What you’re seeing is real. No it’s not. What you’re seeing is real. No it’s not.
There were moments over the last couple months where I thought he’d be gone for good because I hadn’t seen him, but then out of nowhere he always manages to pop back into my life.
“Addy, love,” I hear him say.
I fight off the urge to continue ignoring him and respond with a simple, “What?”
“Aren’t you going to come lie down?”
“No.” My answer is short, cold, and the tone of my voice is laced with a hint of frustration. “Please, Damien.” I glance over my shoulder and look him in the eye. “Go away.”
He narrows his piercing blue eyes for a flicker of a second, then hops off the bed. A half smirk curls on his lips and he beckons me closer with a slight movement of his pointer finger. “Sometimes I like it when you’re difficult,” he tells me. “It makes things playful for me.” He takes a few steps closer. “And challenging.”
I turn to face him and sneer. “Well sometimes I wish you’d actually listen when I tell you to go away.”
In two strides, he’s standing before me. He peers down into my eyes and tucks a loose piece of hair behind my ear.
He laughs and that makes me even more frustrated. “Stop it,” he teases. “I know you don’t want me to.”
But that’s where he’s wrong.
I used to think that I’d never want him to leave me.
I used to hope and wish and pray that we would be forever and ever.
And the sad reality is that we’re not.
He’s dead.
I can’t bring him back.
“Damien,” I whisper. “Please go.”
I’m trying hard not to make eye contact with him. It’s at that moment that I usually lose control of my emotions. The moment I start swimming in his pools of blue, my thoughts don’t exist anymore. I drown slowly.
Sink into the sapphire depths.
Before I can remind myself of how to swim, I’m almost at the bottom of the ocean floor.
I tilt my head to the side and dip my chin down, staring at a visible crack in the concrete floor. Don’t look at him.
I can’t.
I won’t.
I refuse.
“Adelaide,” he muses in a sing-song voice. My eyes snap shut when I feel two of his fingers tilting my chin up. “Look me, love.”
I clamp my mouth shut refusing to utter the words I’m holding back.
No.
Damn it.
No.
Not now.