Where We Began (Stone Lake 2.5)

“You’re a vicious woman, Junie.”

“You’re a fucking asshole,” she says, the words punching me despite them being softly spoken.

“I’m sorry, Junie. I swear. I had a bad day and—”

“I don’t care—”

“Annnnd,” I say drawing out the word, to try and keep her attention. “I know that’s not an excuse. I had no right to give you shit, just because I had a bad day. It was an asshole thing to do and you deserve better.”

She doesn’t reply, she just stares at me, and those blue eyes of hers that I love so much are full of hurt.

“Howie’s mom cornered me this morning and…” My hand shakes as I rub the back of my neck, reliving that scene in the back of my head.

“Howie is the man that you lost,” she asks and I do my best to focus back on her.

“Yeah. His mom blames me and she’s right. Hell, I blame myself.”

“Which is bullshit. Was it bad?” she asks and for a moment my eyes close, but then I open them back up and look at her.

“It was bad.”

That’s all I say—all I can say. Maybe Junie hears in my tone just how bad it was, or maybe she sees it on my face. Whatever the reason, I can feel her body soften under my hold.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” she says, her voice gentle, and reaching a hand out to touch my face. I grab it, holding it there for a minute before bringing it down and staring at it.

“I’m the one that’s sorry. I shouldn’t have purposely struck out at you because I’ve had shit come at me today,” I tell her. I keep staring at her hand, maybe because I’m avoiding her eyes, not wanting her to see something on my face that might betray just how screwed up my head is right now. I flatten her hand out and rub my thumb over it. It blurs in my vision and suddenly I see Luna’s hand there with her ring on her finger that clearly says the relationship we had meant nothing and that I wasted my time because she didn’t truly care about me.

“Ben?”

That’s when I notice I’m holding her ring finger and my grip is not light. I immediately let go and look at her.

“I’m sorry, Junie.”

“Is something more going on?” she asks.

I should tell her about Luna. I should let her know how fucked up my head is right now, but I can’t seem to force the words out.

“It’s just been a bad day,” I tell her, which isn’t a lie.

“Why don’t you come home with me? I’ll make you dinner, and we can veg out in front of the tv until our minds go numb?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Junie. My heads not in the greatest of places and you and I have been…” I trail off, because I don’t know what we’ve been doing. I don’t know much of anything right now.”

“Whatever happens, happens. We’re both adults and I think you get by now that I like you. What do you say?”

“Let’s make it my place, and I’ll order a pizza.”

“Afraid of my cooking?” she smiles.

“I want you in my bed tonight, Junie.”

“Ben, I—”

“I’m not saying anything has to happen tonight, Junie. I’m just saying that it has been a fucked-up day, and I’d like having you in my bed, lying in my arms as I sleep.”

“Just sleep?” she laughs.

“If that’s what happens, definitely. No pressure here, Junie. Like you said, we’re both adults,” I tell her, even as I’m wondering what in the hell I’m doing. Having Junie back at my place tonight is a horrible idea. My head is fucked up over Howie, over Luna and hell, life in general. I need to tell Junie that she needs to find someone else. She’s vulnerable, and I don’t want to hurt her. Fuck. I don’t want to let her go either. I shove all of this back, and just focus on tonight. The rest can wait. I don’t want to be alone tonight either. Right now, I want someone in my arms that is there because they want to be. Not because I’m a substitute for a love they lost years ago.

Fuck Luna, this isn’t about her.

This is about me and what I need for once.

Junie

“You’re still awake,” Ben whispers against my ear, his arm pulling me in tighter to his warm body.

“Not used to having anyone in bed with me,” I half lie. That’s not why I’m still awake, but I don’t know how to explain to him about how bad my insomnia is. I’ve had it for a while…. Since Shred, really. What happened here in Stone Lake may have made it a little worse, but it’s a familiar enemy.

“I like that you didn’t leave after dinner and the movie tonight. I like even better that I didn’t have to leave you to go out into a cold truck and drive home to an empty bed,” Ben says and all that he says is nice. It’s not wrong either, because I like all those things.