If I Can't Have You

s are wrinkled, and her hair is sticking up in odd ways. “Someone did the walk of shame,” I say, turning back to the books.

“Well I’m might have come home with my roommate and bestie if she was at the party with me.”

“Don’t you blame this on me,” I say, trying to work out a problem from my calculus book. “You’ve always had a mind of your own.” I know that even if I was there and tried to make her leave if she didn’t want to she wouldn’t have.

Whit walks over to me and pulls the pencil out of my hand. “This has to stop.” Whit chucks the pencil across the room.

“Hey!” I snap and get up to find my pencil. “I have a huge Calc test Monday. I need to study!”

Whit grabs my shoulders and shakes me. “Enough with the bullshit, Robs. I know you know your Calc problems for the test. And I also know that you’re missing out on the real college experience.”

I peel her fingers off my shoulders and walk over to the left corner of the room to retrieve my pencil. “I’m not missing out on anything,” I tell her. “You know the party scene isn’t my thing.” I pick up my pencil and face her, narrowing my eyes. “Besides, one of us really wants to do well in college.”

Whit rolls her eyes and huffs, “Puuhhllease. We all know that you could get straight A’s even if you strolled into class every morning drunk.” My eyes widen and my mouth is agape. “I’m not saying that you’d ever do that. I’m just saying you don’t need to bury yourself in the books to get awesome grades.”

“Yes I do,” I argue. “This isn’t high school, Whitney.”

Whit shakes her head and falls back on her bed. “You’re trying to distract yourself on purpose. You’re burying your head in your books because you don’t know or won’t know how to act to act if you see him.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I say with an eye roll as I sit back down at my desk.

It’s not ridiculous though. It scares me how right on Whit is. I’ve stayed in every weekend since we moved in two months ago and the only places I go to is the hub to eat and to the library. I know he could randomly pop up at either place, but somehow those places seem safer than parties or clubs. The library is quiet and big and I can hide in the back where no one really goes. The hub is always loud and crowded and I never stay very long. Only long enough to grab food and come back to the dorm.

“You’ve got to get over this,” Whit tells me. “It was just a summer fling.”

“No it wasn’t.” It wasn’t a summer fling to me. I’ve thought about Elliot every day for the last three months. Not only thought, I have dreams about him and right after we left Paradise those dreams used to wake me up in the middle of the night. I’d be gasping for air, drenched in sweat, and sometimes I’d even yell so loud that my mom would have to come in and comfort me.

I know it all seems juvenile and silly, but I can’t help the effect Elliot had on me. The effect he still has on me.

When we’d arrived home from Paradise I tried again to contact him, but he changed his cell number. Then I’d even tried to friend him on Facebook, but he declined the request. That led me to believe that he was done with me. That he never wanted to see me again. That I should just try to move on. But I found out even though I told myself I was going to do those things I couldn’t. I couldn’t move on.

I’m not afraid to see him out in public. I’m not afraid to talk to him. What I’m afraid of is his reaction to seeing me. What if I try to talk to him and he ignores me? What if he says something dickheadish? Or worse, what if he’s already with another girl? That would be too much for me to handle. I am sure of it.

“Listen.” Whit sits up and I look over at her. “So I know this bouncer at a club a few miles away from campus. He said he could sneak us in through the back. I mean you have to be twenty one to get in, but he kind of has the hots for me so he’ll do whatever I want him to. I’m gonna go tonight, you should totally come.”

“I’ll pass.”

Whit stomps over to me and rips the pencil out of my hand. “You’re coming.”

“Give me my pencil back,” I demand.

“Nope.” Whit lifts her arm and wiggles the pencil, tapping her shoulder with it. “I’m not giving it back until you agree to come with me tonight.”

“Whit, I really don’t want to.”

“This is non-negotiable. You either agree or I’ll wait until you go to the bathroom and then I’ll hide your book and your pencil.”

I exhale and shake my head. “If I agree to this, just this one time will you leave me alone?”

“Maybe.”

“Fine.” I reach up and snatch my pencil from her hand. “I’ll go out with you tonight just this once, okay.”

A smug grin curls on her lips. “That’s my girl.” Whit puts her back to me and digs under her bed for something.

“What are you doing?”

Whit swipes her shower basket out from under her bed. “I’m going to take a shower.” She lifts her arm up and sniffs her armpit. “Ugh. I reek.” I laugh and shake my head as she walks to the door. “After my shower I’m going to take a nap. You should too, Robs.”