Hazardous Duty (Presidential Agent 8)

“Good question, Mr. President,” Robin Hoboken said. “How can he possibly be a doctor without that thing that goes in his ears?”

“I’m not a medical doctor, Mr. President,” Aloysius said.

“Then why did she say you were?”

“What I am, Mr. President,” Aloysius announced, “is temporary chairman of the Citizens Committee to Build the Joshua Ezekiel and Belinda-Sue Clendennen Presidential Library and Last Resting Place.”

“Watch it, Mr. President,” Mulligan said. “That sounds pretty fishy to me.”

“And I have with me a cashier’s check in the amount of ten million dollars to get things rolling,” Aloysius said.

He handed the check to the President.

“That’s hard to believe,” Robin Hoboken said.

The President examined the check and then said, “Shut up, Hackensack, I want to hear what ideas Dr. Casey has for my library and last resting place.”

[FIVE]

1500, 1600, 1700 18 June 2007

The screens of television sets tuned to Wolf News were, accompanied by a trumpet blast, suddenly filled with the Arabic numbers 3, 4, and 5 swirling around the globe like satellites.

“Hello there, again,” the voice of Andy McClarren boomed, as his image appeared in a corner of the screen. “This is Andy McClarren, and it’s five o’clock in New York.”

“And this is C. Harry Whelan,” Mr. Whelan intoned, “and it’s four o’clock in Chicago.”

His image, standing on a Chicago street, came onto the screen.

“And this is Bridget O’Shaugnessy,” Miss O’Shaugnessy proclaimed, “and it’s three o’clock in Sin City.”

Her image, showing her sitting with a good deal of shapely thigh showing on the fender of a shiny black Bentley, came onto the screen. The Bentley was parked on the street outside the Elvis Presley Wedding Chapel and Casino, Incorporated.

“And it’s time for Three, Four, and Five,” Mr. McClarren announced. “The big story today is the fifty-million-dollar defamation of character suit filed against Continental Broadcasting and Matthew Christian by adult film star Red Ravisher for this sequence on Hockey Puck. Roll the tape!”

Mr. Christian’s show of very early that morning was replayed for the edification of Wolf News viewers worldwide.

“Now, what’s wrong with that?” Andy asked. “Can you tell us, Bridget? Over to you in Sin City!”

“Why don’t I let Miss Ravisher herself explain that to you, Andy?” Miss O’Shaugnessy replied. “She’s right here with me. Welcome to Three, Four, and Five, Miss Ravisher.”

Miss Ravisher appeared wearing a dress the side slits of which exposed even more thigh than Miss O’Shaugnessy was displaying.

“Thank you for having me.”

“And exactly what is it, Miss Ravisher, about that video recording showing you punching the paparazzo and then throwing him at Wolf News’s distinguished correspondent Roscoe J. Danton that you find offensive? That you think defames your character?”

“There are those kind enough to refer to me as the Ethel Barrymore of the adult film industry. I have been honored with five Hard-Ons, plus the Lifelong Hard-On Achievement Award. I’m proud of that.”

“Perhaps you should have thought of that before you punched that paparazzo gentleman and threw him at Mr. Danton. You should have known that might, as indeed it happened, see you arrested and taken to jail.”

“That wasn’t me, you stupid [BLEEEEP]ing broad! I never met Mr. Danton, and I never threw anybody at him.”

“That wasn’t you?”

“You’re [BLEEP BLEEP]ed right it wasn’t. I wasn’t anywhere near the [BLEEP]ing airport last night.”

“Then how do you explain what happened?”