Chasing Ivy (Oak Hill 1)

Unfortunately, before I could even make it down my front steps, he’d grabbed my arm. My body spun around and he looked down at my face, still keeping his hand pressed tightly on my bicep.

“What did you say?” Dawson’s voice was so low that I could barely hear him.

“I did come see you, Dawson. And you know what?”

His eyebrows furrowed, mouth softening into a frown.

“You were fine. You were fine without me, so don’t you dare act like you’re so angry with me for just “disappearing,” because when I came back for you, you were with BREANNA, laughing, and nudging your stupid shoulder with hers.”

Dawson let go of my arm as I hastily snatched it away. His lips parted as he stared down at me. He looked so confused and appalled, but I knew what I had seen all those years ago. I knew he was fine without me, and I knew that if I did go to him, in the state that I was in, he would just be stuck trying to put my broken pieces back together and he didn’t deserve that.

“What? When did you see me with Breanna? That can’t be right…” he pleaded, his eyes roaming around, like he was pushing through hazy memories.

I smiled sadly. “It doesn’t matter, Dawson.” He flicked his eyes up to mine. “I knew, after seeing you happy and laughing, that nothing good would come of me going back to see you.”

The corded muscles along his neck flexed, as did his jaw, but he kept his mouth set in a grim line.

“Dawson, you were right that night.”

His voice was strained. “What night?”

A blissfulness moved the muscles in my face, remembering the kiss we shared and the feeling of pure happiness I had, before everything literally went up into flames. “The last night we were together. We said that things would change…”

“I remember,” he said softly, scrutinizing me, waiting for me to continue.

“Things did change. When I came back to see you, after everything, I wasn’t the same girl I was that night in your room.” My voice began to break at the end but I hurriedly covered it up with a small cough. “I was this hollow shell of a person, completely numb. I was so beyond broken that even you wouldn’t know what to do with me.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. “I’m sorry if it hurt you when I didn’t say goodbye, but honestly, after seeing you happy and smiling with.... Breanna…” God, even saying her name felt gross. Bleh. “I knew I wasn’t good for you. I came back so you could fix me. I went to you because you were my safe place. When everything came crashing down, the only thing I wanted was you.” I looked away, feeling my cheeks flush. “And this had nothing to do with that one kiss… I don’t know if you even really remember it.”

Something resembling a laugh mixed with a sigh escaped his lips. “I remember.”

Looking away, unable to keep my eyes trained on him, I finished what I started. “I just wanted my best friend, but everything was changing so quickly around me. I loved you so much, more than anything else in my life…and I loved you enough, despite the pain of seeing you move on with your life, to let you go. I needed to just… fix myself.”

I hadn’t realized it then, but I had done what I needed to do to in order to save the very last good part of my life. Over the last few years, and after some serious dissecting of why I hadn’t just yelled at him from across the street, or why I didn’t just run into his arms, even with Breanna there, I realized that I was saving that little part of me that loved him.

He was the only part of my life that I didn’t want to ruin. I just wanted him to be…him. Happy and carefree. I would have brought him down faster than my actual house when it burned to the ground.

“Ivy…” Dawson’s tone was so full of hurt that I couldn’t help but look up. I suddenly felt exhausted after putting everything out in the open like that.

I didn’t expect to ever tell him those things. They were so imbedded in my heart that I was surprised I could even conjure them into words.

“You don’t have to say anything, Dawson.” I took a few steps back, leaning against my porch rail.

He looked like he wanted to say about a million things, but I didn’t want him to. That’s not why I’d told him. I actually didn’t know why I told him. He always could coax secrets out of me.

Old habits die hard, I guess.

“I just wanted you to know that I would never not say goodbye for the fun of it. There was a reason why I did it. So…” I looked down at my Converse. “Just stop being so angry with me because I don’t deserve it. Whether you think I do or not, I don’t.”

The sound of him gulping caused my gaze to leave my shoes. His eyes were clenched tightly and he was biting his bottom lip with his teeth. He used to do that when we were younger, too. Except now, instead of it looking adorable, it looked… hot. My face burned with the embarrassment of thinking something like that in such an awkward, intense moment.

Dawson didn’t say anything to me. He pulled his head up and then looked me dead in the eye with such a powerful stare that I almost wanted to retreat backwards. His eyes traveled down to my mouth, then even further down to my legs, and then back up to my face. It was like he was really seeing me for the first time since I’d been back, without all the harsh anger clouding his vision.

A wave of heat gushed through my body and I instantaneously felt like I was sweating, even with the cool, fall breeze rustling leaves behind me.

I was about to say something, anything really, but he took his eyes off of me and walked down the porch steps. I watched him walk all the way to the end of the street and when he turned out of my sight, I lowered my head into my hands.

That was totally not the way I had that planned out in my head.