Three Summers

“Where are we going to get a massive amount of toilet paper in the next ten minutes?” I asked Kyle who was the alpha leader of the pack.

“Just follow me, and be incognito,” he said, and I laughed out loud when he started to tiptoe behind the dumpsters leading to the parking lot. There’s just something about a tall lanky boy tiptoeing that was hilarious. He looked like a ballerina. When we arrived at his maroon-colored Camry, I looked around, wondering where the toilet paper gods were. That’s when he popped the trunk on his car, and that’s the moment my jaw hit the floor. Samantha stifled a laugh as he reached in and pulled out an enormous amount of white, fluffy toilet paper. By now, most of the fans had gone home and the taillights were dimming as they reached the main road. Kyle passed us all some toilet paper and he quietly led us (once again, tiptoeing) to the other team’s bus. I trailed behind the group as Samantha raced up to be in front with Kyle. They were both born to be leaders.

“Not much into toilet papering?” I glanced over at the boy talking to me, and my heart fluttered. It was Rowen, the new kid. We didn’t have any classes together and I only briefly saw him during lunch sometimes, but now that I saw him up close, I was at a loss for words. He was attractive and unlike any of the boys I was used to at Clayton High. It was hard to find an interest in any of them, as we had been going to school together since kindergarten. We all had to go through the awkward pre-teen stage together, and let’s just say, it wasn’t very nice to me.

I shrugged my shoulders as Rowen gave me that grin, the one that still affects me today. “I guess I just don’t see the point in it,” I said matter-of-factly, and he shook his head as we quietly walked behind everyone else. There were a few seconds of awkward silence until we came up onto the giant yellow school bus parked outside the locker rooms. Kyle briefly gave us the rundown of his plan, which was more or less just him telling us to toss the toilet paper onto the bus and then run away to the bushes so we could see the players’ reactions. I scoffed when he counted down from three. Everyone was in their low, hunched state as Rowen and I stood back, both laughing at how serious they all were.

When I looked over at him, he was staring directly at me—then he dipped his eyes down my body and back up to my face. I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks and I quickly turned my head.

“You’re kind of cute when you blush,” he said, and my heart flipped several times while my eyes widened to the widest they’d ever been.

“I am not,” I said, although inside I was swatting away the butterflies swarming around. You know that scene in the wizard movie, where the keys have wings and they’re flying around rapidly? That was exactly what my stomach was doing.

“You are.”

I didn’t say anything as I looked up at him again. He grinned, and just like that, I was swooning. I didn’t think I was one of those girls who believed in love at first sight… until that moment.

“You ready?” He nodded towards everyone else throwing their rolls of toilet paper onto the bus. My heart started to beat wildly in my chest; I couldn’t decide if it was because of Rowen or the fact that I was doing something completely reckless and out of character.

“I don’t know… I think this is a bad idea,” I whispered, as I heard yelling from the locker rooms.

“That’s okay, I like bad ideas,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the bus. I smiled at our interlocked hands and began throwing toilet paper all around the bus. As uncoordinated as I am, mine didn’t even hit the bus but it was fun, nonetheless. Rowen cracked up at my attempts and then we rushed into the scratchy buses, still holding hands. That was the first time I came into physical contact with Rowen, and it definitely wasn’t the last.

Fourteen

You know that moment when your parents look at you with utter disappointment, only to mask their feelings of uncertainty and fear—that’s exactly what I walked into when my parents caught wind of Rowen and I becoming friends. I hadn’t planned on telling them, but in this small town it’s hard to keep a secret like that. I’m pretty sure there is a giant yellow spotlight following Rowen and I around. Maybe even someone hiding in the lush green bushes, writing about our every single encounter… which can’t be much, since I have avoided him like the plague. Until now.

It’s not that I don’t want to be his friend, because I obviously made that very clear by coming back to work at the club this summer but, every time I’m in his proximity, I have to argue with myself over buried feelings; I know they’re just feelings left over from our little love stint two years ago, and I’m more infatuated with the old Rowen, the one before the attack and the one that is two years younger. This new Rowen… he’s not the same. I have to stop comparing him to the old Rowen. Stop comparing the way he still makes me laugh, and still steals small smiles from me, and I absolutely, most definitely, have to stop thinking about the attack and what happened afterwards. It’s like my mind is ready to move past it and become this new rendition of the word “friend,” but my heart isn’t. It’s just still stuck, in the same spot, beating for a boy who no longer exists.

“We’re just friends. Just trying to be cordial with each other. We’ve both moved on, it’s fine. Really.” I say this to my parents although that tiny voice in the back of my head is shouting “liar” at me, over and over again. I roll my eyes at that stupid, unreasonable voice every chance I get.

They don’t look convinced. My dad has his hand perched under his chin with a knowing scowl, and my mom just looks plain concerned. They remember the heartache that I had two years ago, and I get it. I get that they’re afraid, but they shouldn’t be, because Rowen and I—we’re nothing and we won’t be anything, especially after I win this marathon battle with my heart.

“I think he has more on his mind than being your friend, Sadie,” my dad grumbles as he fiddles with his eggs. I frown and cross my arms like a five-year-old.

“Dad, I’m not the same girl I used to be. If Rowen has other plans than just being friends, which I definitely don’t think he does, then he will be disappointed.” He nods his head slowly, but his eyes show every single worrisome thought. I huff as I lean back and focus on my breakfast instead of the disastrous idea of Rowen and I becoming friends.

“So, what do two exes who are now trying to be friends, without touching, of course, do for fun?” Rowen saunters up to me during our last break at work. It’s been a week since we’ve declared friendship and we’ve only had small talk here and there—talking about college, my new apartment, the internship in Haiti… the easy stuff that comes naturally. When he asks to more or less hang out, I have to get my feelings in order and calm my trembling hands. I don’t know why the idea of hanging out with him makes me so damn nervous, except for the fact that my subconscious is giggling in the background, knowing exactly why I’m afraid.

“I’m not really sure. We

could go to the festival or something… ya know, surrounded by a lot of people.”

He quips, “And a lot of staring.” My shoulders slump. He’s right. Everyone will be staring, judging, wondering, gossiping… all of the above, but I’ve learned that if you don’t face the scary stuff head on, it’ll only weigh you down.

“Sadie? Your phone keeps vibrating, like, every three seconds.” I look over at Morgan who is standing in the employee doorway holding my phone.

I get up and slowly walk over to it, hoping that Rowen isn’t staring at my exposed butt, because nothing really changed in my body figure in the last year; my butt still hangs out of my bathing suit. We should really work on changing these.

When I look down at my phone, I roll my eyes and grab at my hair. It’s Mark. Again. For the five hundredth time since I’ve landed in the states. It’s like he had it set in his schedule when I was coming back; he texted me the moment I landed in Raleigh, and I’ve ignored just about every single text or call from him. We broke up—if you can even consider it enough of a relationship to require a breakup. It was months ago, but he can’t seem to get a hint. Showing up at my dorm room, following me around to my classes, even meeting me at the library when I hadn’t asked him to. He. Will. Not. Get. A. Hint.

“Who’s Mark?” I jump about three feet forward at the sound of Rowen’s voice behind me. That was too close, our bodies were entirely too close. I go to slap his chest playfully but then realize that would mean touching and according to my own agreement, we are not allowed to touch. I slowly bring my hand down and cross my arms.

“Mark and I… dated. I guess. A few months ago, and he can’t quite get the hint that I’m not interested anymore, or even was to begin with.” I chuckle and feel my face heating up. Why is telling Rowen about this making me feel so… small? It’s like I’m two feet tall with a lollipop hanging from my mouth.

His eyes darken when I meet them again. “Dated?”

“Yeah. I guess. We only went on a few dates. We had a French class together, but as soon as I told him I wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s like he’s obsessed with me or something.” I remember Alicia coming at him with her straighter one night in the dorms… hilarious. As soon as I’m finished rambling, my face suddenly feels extremely hot and I stutter, “I don’t mean that he is obsessed with me or that any guy ever would be, but—”