I bake for the next hour, until the smell of brownies and cookies fight for dominance, I leave two plates worth of goodies covered on the side and put the rest of the stuff into two plastic containers.
I shove my feet into my battered up high-tops and throw my sweater on before grabbing the containers and heading for the hospital. It’s a bit of a walk but I think the exercise will do me some good with the way my nerves are messing with me right now. I ignore the cars that are driving past me and the people who walk too close for comfort and I don’t miss the dirty looks I get every time I cross the sidewalk to avoid them. I’m clutching the containers to my chest tightly and hoping none of it gets broken on the journey.
The walk is helping to settle my thoughts until the hospital looms ahead of me. I can feel my breath catch in my throat. My beautiful sister, who wastes away before my eyes and I may never know why. I remember when her acceptance letters from colleges started pouring through the door, she was so excited and of course she got selected for more than her fair share. Intelligent, funny and a part of everything. From being a valedictorian to being head of whatever group she chose to join or create. The day she left for college we both cried and I can still see her heartache written across her face. She was pale and I remember she looked scared but she was also excited. She didn’t last past the year.
I don’t know why or how she failed, but she was different when she came back, quiet and jumpy but she soon came back to herself. She gave herself the rest of the year before deciding to go to a campus closer to home, she never spoke about her time before that and I never questioned her. I guess mom must know what went down but what did it matter, she was okay. She was happy and making friends all over the place, she even met someone and then bam.
Two years later and I’m standing here, looking up at the hospital wondering how I can bring her back. Maybe coming here more could help, but if mom can’t bring her back, what hope do I have?
“Luna,” Dr. Cutie, why do you have to be here today?
“Dr. Stevenson,” his name leaves my lips like a prayer and I hate how revealing that could be. I tuck my hair behind my ear and his eyes take it all in, without understanding a damn thing. Thank fuck for that.
“Did you bring me a present?” he asks with a blinding grin and I can feel my cheeks warming from his attention, I will be a stuttering mess if I don’t get moving.
“I baked too much and thought I-I-I w-w-w…”
“Hey, I’m just kidding,” he steps closer and I can’t remember how to make my lungs function and draw breath into them. I've forgotten how to breathe!
He rests his hands on my shoulders and ducks low enough so our eyes are meeting and I can’t help but feel like I’m going to drown within the depths of his emerald greens.
“Take a deep breath and relax, you don’t need to get worked up around me,” his eyes are twinkling and I know he’s teasing me but all it’s doing is making me feel more flustered. My neck and chest are heating under the force of my blush and the problem with being so pale, when I blush I go scarlet.
I move back and out of his reach, tuck my flyaways behind my ear yet again.
“I’m okay,” I mumble, staring at my feet as I dig the toe of my high tops into the dirt.
“Do I make you uncomfortable Luna? I don’t mean to,” he looks worried as he holds my gaze, his eyes widen slightly and he smiles softly at me, like I’m some kind of skittish animal. I guess I am.
“Sometimes, I guess. It’s not you though, it’s me. I’ve got to go,” I try to backtrack, but he’s suddenly at my side and holding my elbow in his palm.
It’s dawning on me that he’s quite touchy feely for a doctor. Is he like that with everyone or just me? I wish it was the latter, I clearly like him more than I should. It’s a fantasy and I know I’ve known him in some sense for over a year now but it doesn’t make us friends. I guess when he helps Poppy and becomes my brother-in-law my crush will cease to exist and I can move on from these ridiculous thoughts.
“At least let me walk you to Poppy’s room, we’ve had a few issues with some of our patients today and I would feel easier knowing that you got there safely,” he sounds genuine, although I can’t help but feel that he is only giving me half truths right now.
“Okay,” I all but whisper and he doesn’t take his hand from me, instead he guides me to a room that is beyond familiar to me. I turn to thank him when a noise fills the air, we both look around for the source when his eyes land back on me.
“I think it’s coming from you,” he says with a smile but I can see the question in his eyes.
“Do you mind holding these for me?” I pass him the containers without even waiting for his response and pull the phone free. I take a deep breath before exhaling slowly and hitting the accept button.
“Miss Carter you have been accepted for the final round of selection, a car will be by to pick you up on Monday. Be prepared to be gone for the next three years,” the phone disconnects and I can’t breathe, think or even function.
I don’t know when Stevenson gripped my shoulders and led me down to the cafeteria, I may have only just got here or I could have been sitting here for the past hour. I think I may be in shock, my heart rate is pounding in my ears and it has leached everything of its color. What have I done? How did I ever convince myself that I could do this, join an academy so riddled in secrecy and rumors that no one really knows what happens. I still haven’t looked at the paper Ms. Vanderbilt gave me explaining the benefits of attending such a ‘prestigious’ establishment. After what happened with the acceptance letter, I probably shouldn’t have left it this long.
“Get this down you,” my eyes flick up to Stevenson as he hands me a mug and I can’t even bring myself to say thank you. I have manners but the link between my brain and mouth seems to be hay wiring.
“Luna is everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost, your mom’s okay, right?”
“I got in,” that’s all that comes out, I don’t even know if he can hear me but his eyes widen as he takes my clenched hand into
his own.
“You got into college, that’s fantastic. Isn’t that what you wanted?” His mouth is turning down slightly at the corners and I don’t know how to answer him. Instead I pull my hand away from his and fold them into my lap.
“It’s something I feel… I need to do, it’s just, I’m not sure I want to. It’s come around much quicker than I thought and I’m scared that I’ll mess up or the experience will change me into someone that I won’t recognize,” I don’t know how I just said all that without a stutter, maybe it’s because of how numb I feel.
“Luna, it’s just college, if you don’t like it or who it turns you into, you can always walk away,” his kind eyes are making me want to cry, he doesn’t understand that his words are impossible for me.