“Luna, one of these days you will look in that mirror and see yourself the way that Poppy and I do. We know that you are remarkable and the moment you own that, you’ll see that the entire world will open up to you and offer you so many possibilities. Just, stop putting yourself down.” I nod my head with one swift jerk and I don’t miss the eye roll.
“Seriously mom, an eye roll. You’re better than that,” I say with a smirk and her face lights up, the only parent who loves it when her daughter gets a little snarky. Probably because it’s out of the norm for me, being a quiet loner who prefers going unnoticed will do that.
“I’d not long lost my husband, Poppy’s father, and I was hurting. I needed something to help me believe that life was worth it again. Poppy did, she was the reason I could even get out of bed, but she could only fill so much of the emptiness that was filling me. I think I needed someone who needed me just as much and who better than a child who had no one,” her cheeks are flushed and I don’t know why she’s feeling so embarrassed, it makes sense to me. “There were a few possibilities, and I felt I could do it, I’d been a nurse on a children’s ward for years and raising Poppy had been… interesting. I had so much love and the kids I was looking at needed it. There was one child that pulled at my heart strings and I was set to pick up the phone and make my decision. I picked the files up and a photo fell out. The minute I saw your face I knew in my heart that my choice wasn’t even mine to make. You were the only child who I would bring home.”
She’s clutching my hand and her tears are falling freely, I feel awkward as fuck but I won’t pull away from her. She watches as I tuck my hair behind my ear and she shakes her head with a watery smile appearing and I prefer it when she has a smile on her face.
“It was your eyes, not the color but the love and the pain that I could see within them as clear as day. I remember thinking 'if that is what’s captured in a photo, then what will I see when I meet you'. But more than that, those feelings were what I saw every time I looked in a mirror, you were my kindred spirit. Four years old and you had already experienced a world of pain, yet you welcomed me so easily. It was hard, and you didn’t speak for nearly a year. You would just nod, point or shake your head but occasionally I would walk past your room and this sweetest voice would fill the air. It turned out that although you wouldn’t speak to me, after six months you would speak to Poppy.”
We’re both crying now and I don’t think I want to hear anymore, I’m about to experience a lot of firsts that will be outside of my control. This one however, is all on me. Getting out of my chair, I throw my arms around her and hear her gasp of surprise as she wraps me in her arms and clings on to me as though she’s scared I’m about to disappear. I mean, she isn’t wrong.
I can’t stop staring at the picture of Selene, I fell asleep with it clutched within my hand and I’m finding it hard to keep my eyes off it. I meant what I said to mom, I really don’t want to know why I was up for adoption but I am curious about Selene as a person. What was she like? Was she a loner who preferred to keep to herself like me or was she the life and soul of the party? Is my nature hereditary or brought on from the circumstances of my life? Is there any way for me to even find out the answers to all the questions that are piling up in my mind?
Right, tomorrow is the day I leave so I will do everything I can to make sure the house is in the best condition I can get it. I’m hoping the extra money will mean that mom won’t work as hard and maybe only one job. Preferably she’ll leave the bar so I know she’ll at least be a little safer, but that isn’t my decision to make.
It’s nine thirty so the shops should be open for business and mom will already be at her first job for the day, there’s nothing stopping me from getting started and it will do me good to keep busy.
It’s a sweltering day, I can feel the blistering heat pouring through my window as I pull back the curtains. I know my usual clothes won’t be an option, knowing my luck I’ll end up with heatstroke. Throwing my clothes across the floor, I try to find something that won’t make me bake but also, that I can feel moderately comfortable in. I don’t do dresses so the ones that mom bought me on an impulse will never be an option. Maybe I could go for a pair of shorts and maybe my black tights with the red skulls on them. They're cute and I won’t technically be showing off any skin. I add my band tank and thrift store leather ankle boots, and I feel okay. Uncomfortable, sure, but it’s the best I can do.
I take off down the street ignoring the catcalls and stares, the moans as I cross to avoid walking directly past people and just pretend that there isn’t any other person around. It’s hard, but I’ve managed this long. It isn’t flawless and the weight of their stares get to me but I just need to develop a thicker skin and I’ll get through, although I can’t really do that now can I?
Stepping into the hardware store is a relief, as I can finally get out of the stifling heat for a few minutes. It won’t take me long to get what I need, I have a very focused approach to shopping. Know what I need, get what I need and no distractions.
I walk down the aisles looking for filler, scrapers and whatever else I can find. Popping them into my basket as I go along. Maybe I should paint the kitchen, brighten it up and give it a fresh lease on life. I think it will make mom smile, and I’m only here for her anyway, so why not go the extra mile?
One issue, money. I’ve got enough for what I class as the essentials but I don’t think I can make it stretch to paint and the supplies that will go with it. I really hate it when things don’t go to plan, I know it isn’t important, but it is to me. I kind of feel as though I’m going to cry and I don’t think I can stop it. The tears are already pooling in my eyes and I can feel my bottom lip quivering as I try to hold it in. My shoulders are shaking and I need to place my basket on the ground so I don’t drop it and cause a scene.
“Luna.”
For crying out loud, is the entire damn universe out to get me or something? This is getting ridiculous. I can’t turn around, I cannot let Cole see me like this. And it feels so weird calling him by his first name, even if it is only in my head.
His hand rests on my shoulder and I want to shake him off, but again, I don’t want to cause a scene. I can feel his stomach brush against my arm as he walks around me and I squeeze my eyes shut just as he enters my peripheral.
“Hey, what’s happened? Did someone say something to you? Hurt you?” I’m not sure if he sounds worried or angry, maybe a mixture of the two.
“N-n-no,” I shake my head frantically and I’m suddenly being cocooned against a warm chest with firm arms wrapped around me. I can hear him make shushing noises against my head as he strokes a hand through my hair. It’s relaxing and I’m trying my hardest to fight the urge to sink into him. This isn’t right, I shouldn’t be leaning on him. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to push him away especially when he’s being so nice and he really doesn’t have any reason to be that way.
My tears are starting to subside and my shoulders are relaxing and despite my best efforts my legs turn to jelly and I relax into his arms. His fingers curl around the top of my arm and he pulls back slightly, he isn’t letting me go, but he is looking at me.
“W-w-what a-a-are you d-d-doing here?” I’m so not getting picked tomorrow, not if they decide to speak to me.
“Okay, don’t freak out or anything,” his eyes are searching mine for something and I nod my head. “I was heading to the store to solve my empty fridge crisis when I saw you, I wasn’t in a hurry so I thought I’d say hi and see if you needed any help. I realized as I was looking for you that it may appear a little creepy so I was going to go and then I spotted you and I couldn’t leave without making sure you were okay,” he’s so sincere and he has the kindest eyes. If I wasn’t so awkward, I would probably swoon.
“You didn’t need to do that, I don’t need any help,” I mutter, and tuck my hair behind my ear… again. I can’t help but do it when he’s around.
“Why were you upset?”
“It’s stupid,” I say as I shuffle my feet and he releases his hold but he doesn’t let me go. Instead his hands slide down to mine and holds them gently, it’s such an innocent gesture, but it’s making my heart thump wildly and I can’t stop myself from looking down at them.
“It’s stupid but… I wanted to get some paint to brighten the kitchen up for my mom. She deserves some brightness in her life right now and I,” I hesitate to continue as he releases one of my hands and tips my chin up so I’m looking at him again.
“It’s okay, no judgements from me.”
“I realized I
couldn’t afford it all, and I got a little emotional, I think it’s because everything is changing and I’m not in control and I’m struggling,” my voice gets softer the more I say but he won’t let me look away and the greens of his eyes are captivating.
“Well, we can’t have that can we?” His words confuse me but he steps back, picks up my basket and with a swift tug on my hand leads me down the paint aisle and we spend the next half an hour picking out the perfect color.