I feel guilty, given how I feel about Cole but again, how can I be sure what I feel for him is even real? This though, this feels more real than anything I’ve ever experienced before, I can feel tears pricking the back of my eyes knowing that this is the only kiss we’ll be able to share, and how I’ll have to pretend that this never happened.
I pull away and back
up slightly, dropping my eyes down to the ground. “That was incredible Liam but it shouldn’t have happened and there won’t be a repeat. I’m not supposed to even look at another guy while I’m here and yet I’m kissing one, I can’t risk being sent home. Even though there’s a part of me that is willing to risk everything just to have one more moment with you,” his hand comes up to stroke my face as he pulls me in closer once more and guides my head to rest on his shoulder.
“I understand, but I do think this is the perfect goodbye. If I see you anymore, it’s just going to be harder to not do this again, so this will be our goodbye to one another.”
“I don’t want you to go Liam,” I burrow in closer as he strokes my hair once more. “Neither do I Luna, neither do I.”
I look up at him and just this once I’m going to say fuck it, if it’s the last time I’ll see him before he leaves then it can be the best goodbye imaginable.
I capture his mouth with my own and pour everything I have into the kiss until we’re both a panting mess and I know when he leads me back to my room that I may never see him again.
17
Preparation is Key
I’m finding it hard to believe that I kissed Liam and I want to regret it but I’m struggling with that as well. Daria has fast become my mealtime buddy and she’s actually really nice even though I was adamant about not liking her out of principle. It’s ridiculous but I hate the fact that she’s only sitting with me because she’s been ordered to, even if she hasn’t come out and said it, I know that’s the reason why.
Five days until the masquerade ball and Liam leaves and although I felt guilty at first I’ve started to realize that Cole has been a fantasy for a long time but he can never really be more than that. He’s my sister’s doctor as well as working here and I haven’t even seen him since Aeron stole me away.
“Hey girl, French toast again, huh?” She rolls her eyes and I shake my head and roll mine in return.
“Hey D, yeah it’s my favorite from the breakfast selection.”
“I have to ask, why do you serve yourself?” I hate this question, as if I should expect people to wait on me but I guess I may as well answer her.
“Because I can get my own food, if they set the station up and a mere few feet away, why shouldn’t I serve myself? I’ve gone this long without having people waiting on my every desire, I’m not going to start here.”
“Fair enough girl, I get it. So, what do you want to do before classes start?” She looks so earnest but I feel like a charity case right now.
“Look, I appreciate you sitting with me but you don’t need to make plans for outside the mess hall. You’re here because Bradley ordered you to and I get it, but you don’t have to pretend that you desire a friendship out of this,” I get to my feet, discard my plate and walk out of the mess hall, feeling like a piece of shit for saying that but I always try to speak the truth.
“Hey, you can’t say something like that and not let me get my own piece in,” she shouts out and I come up short, I wasn’t expecting a scene to break out.
Already, people are filtering out of the mess hall to see what is going on. Carly is front and center with One and Two and there’s actual glee written all over their faces.
“Will you lot fuck off, this is between me and her. Go on, run along,” she shoos her hand at them, before grabbing my arm and leading me outside and down into the garden.
My eyes fall on the maze and my skin heats just thinking about being in there with Aeron, and again I need to remind myself to stop thinking of those stolen moments with fondness. A business transaction would be better suited, and although it makes me feel dirty, it’s not a fallacy.
“Okay little miss woe is me, no one ordered me to sit with you. Bradley asked if I would and I said yes, because I liked how you spoke your mind in the waiting room and that you didn’t avoid me like every single one of those fucking idiotic girls. If you open your eyes, you may see that we’re in the same boat. Girls hate me because I’ve been claimed and Bradley won’t look twice at any of them and they hate you because they think you’re the Prince’s favorite and those who aren’t jealous… well they’re scared shitless about what Shane will do to them if they so much as look twice at you. So yeah, we may be unlikely friends but I’m sick of only having two people to talk too. Boys are dumb,” she shakes her head and I can’t hold in the snort and she’s right, boys are so fucking dumb.
“So, want to conquer the maze?” I look at her and she narrows her eyes before hooking her arm through mine.
“Yes homegirl, let’s conquer this motherfucker,” she has the biggest smile on her face and I can’t believe how much she cusses, she may as well be a sailor.
“Do you ever not cuss?”
“I could ask you if you ever cuss in your life, like seriously after everything you’ve been through already and yet you are the epitome of meek and polite,” she looks at me as we walk through the maze, “yeah girl, I’m not buying it. I just can’t work out who you’re trying to fool, yourself or everyone here.”
I don’t like the route this conversation is taking, I feel like I’m being put under the microscope and honestly, I’m scared of what she may discover.
“I cuss, just in my… head, don’t laugh at me Daria. My mom raised herself a polite child and I own that. Although sometimes I wish I was someone else, more confident, less scared of the spotlight. I don’t know, it’s hard; she never made me feel as though I had to be the perfect daughter. I think it’s because I’m adopted and I’ve never wanted her to regret choosing to bring me home that day.”
“Damn girl, that got deep quick. I’m sorry but at least you have a mom who loves you enough to care, honestly half of those guys wouldn’t recognize a loving parent if they jumped up in front of them and spanked them for being so damn rude to the girls here,” I think she cares for the guys and that surprises me. I knew she cared for Bradley, but it isn’t just him and I think I’m going to be pondering on this for a while.
“Come on, less chatter and more making this maze our bitch. Then we’ll go to lessons and then we can find some extras to sign up for, you’re going to love having me for a girlfriend,” she slides her arm around my shoulder and I laugh as I push her away but it feels a little forced. I have no idea how to do this, what if I’m a terrible friend?