You’ll Never Have Me (Never 3)

“Don’t get worked up over it, I’m used to him by now,” he’s trying for nonchalant but failing miserably, I can hear the slight choke in his voice and his eyes are filled with pain and regret. “I guess I just wanted to say thanks, I screwed up your life, but you helped me to fix mine. Guess I’ll have to find a way to repay you,” his eyes are screaming at me to give him that option now, but I’m beyond help.

“Don’t worry about it, I hold no ill will towards you H. Just no more PastFinder and trying to make people feel small and scared.” I say the words gently but inside I’m screaming; I want someone to see the fear I’m hiding and stop me from making what I know will be just another costly mistake.

“I’ll try, but I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. Too much like the old man I guess,” he laughs but it’s dark and mirthless. “See you around Henleigh or I guess, I won’t,” he hesitates again, and he looks uncertain about something but as he closes his eyes and reopens them, the uncertainty is gone. “Don’t do anything stupid Monterey, I remember the note you got. Don’t go getting yourself killed for no good reason,” he goes to step closer, but he doesn’t instead he gives me one last fleeting look and then he’s gone.

STANDING HERE, staring up at the buildings that have housed me for nearly two years feels surreal. Roxie isn’t bothered and she’s just waiting around for me to get my shit together so we can leave. Two weeks tops, before my dad will come and get me and I have to figure out what to do about Dante in that time.

“Erm baby girl, isn’t that your dad?” Roxie asks as she comes closer and points at a man climbing out of a rental, an air of confusion in her voice.

“Yeah, give me a second maybe I read the email wrong,” I say, and she gives me a slight eye roll before climbing into the car waiting to take us to hers.

“Dad, what are you doing here? I thought you couldn’t come down here for at least a fortnight. Did I read your message wrong?” I ask but I’m sure I didn’t, I can recall his word as clear as if I only read them a second ago. Eidetic memory for the win, I guess.

“No, I’m not here to get you Hennie, I’ve been asked to go to the US. Our firm has been given this huge opportunity to land a new client and it will do wonde

rs for our firm. The only thing is, they think I’m the best one to assure they use us in the future. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, and your mother is in no position to look after you,” he sounds so technical and he’s barely looking at me. I never should have let myself hope that we could rebuild our relationship.

“So, what’s going to happen to me then?” I ask, my tone devoid of any infliction, I won’t let him see how hurt I am.

“I bought the cottage; you can use it if you want to stay here or go to uni. I’d take you with me if I could but there isn’t enough time. I’ve put some money into your account, and you have an ISA that should pay out soon. If you need anything let me know, I’m not abandoning you Hennie, it’s just work,” his words are hollow and they mean nothing to me.

He tries to hug me, but I can’t do this, so I step back. He looks a little sad but I’m not buying it as he sighs and shakes his head.

“I’ll let you know when I’ll be back,” he says, and it’s almost as if I’m frustrating him. How ridiculous is that?

“What about mum?” I ask, I don’t really care but someone needs to remind him about his family.

“She’s still in rehab and we’ve separated, again it might not be permanent but we’re clearly not healthy together. I’ve got to go kiddo, I’ll see you... soon,” he smiles weakly before climbing into his car and driving away.

That slight hesitation tells me everything I need to know. He doesn’t plan on coming back and I have very few people I can count on. Maybe I should feel sad, but it just seems inevitable to me. I may not think being alone is best for me anymore, but maybe it’s my destiny to always end up like that anyway.

Screw it, two weeks with Roxie is what I’m going to do and then I’m gone. She’s my best friend and I’m going to keep her safe, she doesn’t need to know I’m not returning to my dad. I’ll spend a couple nights at the cottage and then I’ll lock that up for good too. I’d refuse the money if I could but I’m not an idiot until I can sustain myself, I have very little choice but to use his hand out.

Death threats, no family and having to abandon the people who may actually care for me. Oh yeah, this is the best year of my life. Not.

TWO

BEING at Roxie’s is fun, but it only serves to show me how lonely I really am. She has a family that adores her and does everything they can to include her in their plans. She finds it stifling and I’m nothing but envious. Why couldn’t I have this too?

My phone has not stopped going off since I got here and it’s been eight days, I’m trying to ignore it but I’m curious by nature, I guess. I think I need to get out of the house and away from the happy family for an hour or two, and Roxie is seeing Declan, so it’s the perfect time to get away and be alone.

Her family is so lovely her brother even offers to tag along, but I politely decline. Sitting in my car and leaving their drive; I feel as though I can finally breathe.

I’m a glutton for punishment and looking through my phone only intensifies all the pain coursing through me. What’s that saying ‘a watched phone, is a silent phone’ well they were full of crap. Seeing as mine choose this moment to play Elijah’s song, don’t answer, do not fucking answer Henleigh Monterey.

“Why are you calling me?” My voice is thick with emotion and I’m holding my breath just waiting to hear his voice.

“Because you’re haunting me,” So soft and desolate, not a trace of a smile to be heard. I’ve done this to him, I should be so proud. I hate that my inner voice is so sarcastic.

“Elijah,” his name is nothing more than a whisper and I can hear how jagged his breathing is becoming.

“Is it the same for you? If not, then why did you answer?”

Because I miss you.

“To tell you to stop,” I say out loud, but I sound hesitant and unsure to my own ears.

“Liar,” he laughs softly, and it warms me up inside.