You’ll Never Have Me (Never 3)

“I’m trying to get into my dad’s office okay, I need to know if he has anything on Elliott. It’s not like he’s around to ask,” I sound bitter to my own ears, but I can’t help it. It’s the way I feel when it comes to my parents.

“For crying out loud, I knew it had something to do with that,” he says something else ,but it goes in one ear and right out the other as I hear a girl calling his name.

“Sorry to bother you, get back to your girlfriend. And before you get on your high horse, I never expected you to wait around for me. I just thought it may have taken longer than what, three weeks. Oh no, what am I saying it hasn’t even been that fucking long,” and I’m shouting again. Jealousy is rearing its ugly head, but it hurts so damn much.

“It’s not like that, but don’t be such a hypocrite when you're off with Harrison of all people,” he’s shouting too but I hear him swear under his breath as he realises what he just said.

“How do you know I’m with Harrison?” My tone is as cold as ice and H comes out at the sound of his name.

“No, I…” he’s scrambling, and I think I’ll save him from even trying to extricate himself from the mess he’s created.

“Don’t lie to me, and I’m taking a leaf out of your book now. Bye Elijah,” I hang up as I hear him shout my name and I don’t even think about it as I take out the SIM card and snap it in half.

I’m breathing hard as I try to contain my anger, how did he know I was with Harrison? And the possibilities of who Sawyer was working for seem more endless than ever before, it just doesn’t make sense.

“What’s going on?” H asks as he drops his hands onto my shoulders and runs them up and down my arms, trying to soothe the tsunami of emotions inside me.

“He knows we're together,” I force the words out as panic and anger wage war for the dominant position of how I should feel right now.

“Ahh, and you're worried he may think less of you,” he removes his hands from my arms and the hurt and indignation I can hear helps to settle me a little.

For crying out loud, he thinks that’s why I’m freaking out.

“I do not give two flying fucks who knows I’m with you, I mean I care that it puts you in danger somewhat, but that's it. What bothers me is that he knows, because I never told him. I know Roxie wouldn’t have, so how does he know?” I’m enunciating every word and I can see the moment it registers in his pig headed mind. Atta boy, we’re back on the same page.

“You think that Sawyer guy was hired by him, because that’s stalker level crazy. He doesn’t seem the type.” He’s raising one eyebrow and looking at me as though I’m losing the plot. The disbelief is what’s getting to me, have I been wrong yet?

“I don’t know, but it explains why he never replied to me. He thought I’d replaced them with you, don’t you just love how people jump to conclusions,” I say sarcastically as I start pacing the floor, trying to work out what is going on here.

I know there is something I’m missing, there’s this huge red neon light flashing above me, but I can’t determine what it’s trying to say. What is the bigger picture here and why would Eli have someone following me?

I go into the kitchen to make my third cup of coffee when a loud crashing sound rings out from the hallway, what the heck is Harrison doing now?

Running out, I cannot believe what I’m seeing. The door to my dad’s office is splintered and cracked in two, but at least it’s open.

“You clever boy,” I say as I throw my arms around him without thinking. He stiffens beneath me and I pull back, I can feel my face flaming and I refuse to look at him as I duck into the office and begin my search.

It takes hours of searching every inch of his office before I realise anything worth its weight in gold will be in his safe. I try all the combinations I can think of, mine and El’s birthday, mum and dad’s. Even their wedding anniversary but nothing works, I don’t understand it.

“Try the day he died,” Harrison says casually and I’m looking at him as though he’s bat shit crazy. Why would he choose a day like that?

“No one would expect it woman, it's what I did when I was planning all the ways I could make you suffer. I kept it locked away and I used the date you rammed into my sister, it was a constant reminder of why I would always hate you,” his tone is dark and his face is hard. The only part I don’t like is how he said, always.

He types in the date and we hear the click as the lock releases and I open the door, there’s only one file inside and three letters, one each for mum, dad and me. My hand is shaking as I pull them out, but I put my parents’ letters back. I don’t care what he revealed in those, they weren’t meant to be read by me and I will always respect his privacy.

“You’re not going to read those?” H asks, as his brows draw down into a frown and I slap his hand as he reaches inside for them.

“They’re not mine to read,” it’s all I say and I’m already miles away as I clutch the folder and the letter to my chest and leave the office. Am I ready for this?

I go into the living room and sink down on the floor, it earns me another weird look from H as he sits behind me on the sofa. I do not need to explain myself right now, as I spread the contents of the folder out across the coffee table. Deep breathes Pipsqueak you can do this. I almost fool myself into believing that I can hear Elliott say those words to me, but this isn’t some fairy-tale. I won’t get a chance to talk to him one last time or hear his voice whispering in the wind. He’s gone and I have to face this alone, without him. I know Harrison is behind me but it’s not the same, he’s here out of circumstance, nothing more.

He moves closer to me until I’m sitting between his legs, it's like they’re a barrier keeping me safe from the world. How poetic, NOT.

We browse through everything and I don’t like what I’m seeing, it’s painting a picture of a brother I didn’t have. He was gentle and kind, he didn’t do drugs and carry weapons. So why were they found on him?

“Was your brother in a gang?” Harrison asks as he skims through another page, of course he wasn’t and I tell him as much.

“It was just him and the others, they were as far from being a gang as you could get. For crying out loud, they had me with them half the time,” I’m getting defensive, but he was my brother and I won’t have his image tarnished any more than it already is.