You’ll Never Have Me (Never 3)

ow he also makes me simmer in a low heat when he looks at me in a certain way. Do I have feelings for Harrison and if so, when did they start?

“I can feel you watching me,” he grumbles as his eyes open just barely to look my way and see that I am in fact watching him.

“Just making sure you’re still in the land of the living,” I reply, waving my hand dismissively, he narrows his eyes at me before shaking his head and closing his eyes again.

“Do you think Roxie can help us?”

“I don’t know but I trust her and there aren’t many people I can say that about,” it comes out quieter than I intended but it’s the truth.

“I know how you feel, that’s Ivy for me. It used to be Finley until he fell in with the Shepherds and became all about his status,” he snorts at that but wasn’t he the same way?

“You ruled that school, how were you any different?” Stop making yourself seem so interesting to me, I don’t want to like you H.

“I didn’t seek it nor ask for it, it was handed to me when I walked in and refused to let anyone get away with their bullshit. When I’d use my words as well as my fist to get a point across, and then there’s the old man. He’s old money and he keeps on making more, unfortunately money speaks to everyone; the only reason I fell at Padstow was because I developed a weakness. Otherwise, I still would have been the guy the girls were scared to want, and the guys were terrified to refuse.” He’s so upfront about it all, but also offhand. As though none of it mattered and maybe he’s glad it all went away.

“Why did you stand up for me?” A simple question but I don’t have a simple answer for it in return. I lay my head back and close my eyes, I’m going to answer I just need to figure it out before I do.

“I can tell you the reason I did it was because it was the right thing to do,” my eyes are still closed but I can feel his stare burning through me.

“Is that why?” A monotone voice, free of all emotions. I wonder what he’s masking behind his stoic facade.

I drag my hand across my face, the light streaming behind my closed lids, I turn my face to him, but my eyes remain sealed.

“I don’t know why, it’s not a cop out. It was the right thing to do and I would have done it for anyone, but I wouldn’t do it for the Shepherds so why did I do it for you?” I groan and crack my eyes open to find him watching me intently. I feel like an animal in a zoo, is he wanting me to perform a trick or something?

“That’s what I’m wondering, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. You tutored me because the old bat somehow convinced you to do it. You stayed with me in the swimming pool because Benjy asked and no one ever refuses that old teddy bear. But no one told you to go to bat for me, yet you did. It doesn’t make sense, so why did you?” He’s staring at me, his eyes moving side to side, switching from my left to my right. And all I can do is stare right back.

Is his face getting closer, is mine? No, it’s all in my head, I’m imagining it. I sink back into the seat and so does he, there’s a tension in the air that keeps growing thicker. What will happen when the tension breaks? Because that’s what will happen, it’s a black cord pulled tight and closing around us. A cord can only be pulled so far before it bends to the pressure and falls apart or snaps so loud it will be as quiet as a herd of elephants.

THE FIRST PLACE I visit as soon as we hit London is a bloody bathroom so I can empty what little I had in my stomach. It’s cramping like nobody’s business and I’m finding it hard to remember why I was so determined to make it back here in the first place. No good can come of it, but if Roxie is here then clearly, I need to be as well.

“Where are we supposed to camp while we’re here?” he asks as soon as I join back up with him.

“I have no idea, all I can do is hope that she’s already arrived. I am playing everything by ear right now,” I reply, shifting my bag onto my back and heading into the bustling crowd.

“Ring her, if you still have her number of course,” so simple and I have no idea why I didn’t think of it.

I guess it’s because I’m avoiding using my phone, only breaking the exception to get a message passed to her from Ivy. I hope she is being honest and the message didn’t turn into a horrible round of Chinese whispers.

My hands are shaking like a damn leaf, I wonder if I’ll drop my phone and add it to the list of things that have been broken since this all kicked off.

“For the last time, fuck you,” says Roxie as she answers her phone, in a whole new level of animosity that I didn’t think she had.

“How did you know that was my favourite greeting?” I can feel my mouth turn up into a smile to rival the Cheshire Cat. Harrison is rightly confused, I’ll have to explain it in a second, focus Henleigh.

“Baby girl, no freaking way,” her excitement is enough to make my ears bleed, damn Roxie. “I thought Ivy was full of crap. She wasn’t, was she?” Her mood changes fast enough to give me whiplash.

“Roxie concentrate, are you in London because we are,” that’s all I need to say, hearing her inhale as clearly as if she stood next to me. I’m sure I can hear whispering, but she quickly tells us where we need to go.

“Are you sure about this?” Harrison asks, his eyebrows poised high on his head, and rubbing the back of his neck.

“As sure as I’ll ever be,” what more can I say, look out London a Monterey is back let’s hope you won’t swallow me up and spit me out.

I DON’T THINK I can feel any more loved than I do right now, being held tighter than a baby or a tatty but well-loved toy, man I’ve really missed Roxie.

“I really should be kicking your arse,” she says through a tear riddled voice, she really should.

“Please do, I know I deserve it for disappearing on you. But in my defence, I did think I was protecting you,” I say meekly, looking up at her through my lashes, wrong audience though as she’s rolling her eyes at my antics. I know I can see a hint of a smile though, so I think I am in the clear. For now.