You’ll Never Have Me (Never 3)

He goes to find Bella just as Mikaela arrives, I’ve missed her too. She may be quiet and unassuming but it’s hard not to notice when she isn’t with us.

ONE HOUR before we leave for the club where we’re performing, how did I let myself get talked into this? I must be out of my mind, but it’s too late to back out now.

“Henleigh,” H says, knocking on the door before popping his head around.

Finally, I can’t believe he’s been ignoring me ever since Noah turned up. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was jealous or something.

“Hey tough guy, you okay?” I ask as I sweep steel grey shadow over my top lid and add kohl black liner on my lower lid and lining the top as well.

“Yeah, just thought I’d wish you luck before you go,” he says gruffly and I can feel my heart plummeting to the cold, hard ground. He’s not coming.

“Hang on, what are you talking about? I thought you’d be there,” I say, coughing to try and cover up the way my throat catches. Don’t cry you sap.

“You don’t need me there, you have Noah,” he says as his eyes narrow and his jaw ticks. Fuck me, but how can I not assume this is riddled in jealousy.

I stand up, not caring that I’m only in my underwear and dressing gown. I’m covered and I need to look at him head on, not through a reflection in a god damn mirror.

“H,” he scoffs at my use of his nickname and it’s aggravating me, why wouldn’t it? I’m going to say it, his shitty attitude be damned. Walking closer to him, I watch my own hand as it lays across his chest before my eyes slide up to meet his own.

“Harrison, please come tonight. I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for you and you give me the courage I never knew I needed, please,” it’s surely no more than a whisper but it conveys so much more than I am willing to say out loud right now.

“Okay,” such a simple word and I wonder if he can see me sag in relief. The twinkle in his eyes tells me he has but it is also screaming at me that I’m not going to like what he’s about to say. Fucking hell, everyone says it was curiosity, but I think anticipation really killed the infamous cat.

“Sing for me,” his eyes are darker than the deepest depths of the ocean and my lungs are forgetting how to function.

“I… I can’t, Roxie is the singer not me. I don’t want to be in the spotlight,” I feel and sound as weak as a bloody feather, I can’t do it and I hate that my voice is trembling.

“I’m not talking about tonight, I mean now. Right here in this room, it’s only me and you. Henleigh, you’re not the only one who needs a little courage. Can’t you lend me some?” He steps closer and cups my shoulders in his large hands, stroking his thumbs over the lightweight material of my dressing gown. “The way you sang in front of me and Benjy when you thought no one was looking, why would this be any different?” Such a simple question in theory, but the answer is far from being clear cut.

“Because it’s intimate,” I say hesitantly and he’s wasting no time in pointing out we share a bed, I hate it when he makes a point I can’t argue against rationally.

“I can play a little, I’ll strum while you get ready. I know you might be dreading the very idea but at least you’ll know how I’m feeling right now.” I can feel my eyes opening wider, what is he talking about? I would love to know why he’s feeling uncomfortable. “Don’t be so naive woman, by the prospect of being a third wheel to you and Noah. You won’t even notice I’m there once you set your eyes on him,” I can’t get a good read on his feelings, especially as he turns his back on me. But maybe his clenched fists are enough of a giveaway that I don’t need to see the way his face looks right now.

Sitting down at my mirror, taking in my own reflection isn’t doing anything to settle my nerves but it’s Harrison. For some reason, he makes me feel like I am capable of just about anything. Humming gently, I try to think of a song that would fit this situation, but nothing comes to mind.

“Can you tell me honestly, what is it you see when you look at me? Do I seem strong like nothing will go wrong or am I meek, the epitome of weak. Hey tough guy what is it you see?

Will you give me your strength, help me to push forward, will you stay by my side help to chase away the lonely. Tell me please, can you see… that it’s you I need.”

I look into his eyes through the mirror, but the way he’s turning away from me is gutting. I wonder if this is the way a fish feels.

I get up and my heart feels heavy and I’m just going through the motions and I feel like I’m about to fall apart. I throw on my clothes with very little thought and don’t stop until I’m standing before the full length mirror.

Deep breaths, where’s my composure when I truly need it? Looking in the mirror, it’s like I’m looking at a stranger. It’s not the clothes I’m wearing, with my skin tight top that accentuates my cleavage or the slices in the side revealing just the right amount of flesh. The black distressed jeans and distressed leather boots or the makeup I have on. No, it’s the look in my eyes, who are you Henleigh?

I need to shake it off and not allow myself to get any more nervous or worried, easier said than done but I have to try.

“Baby girl are you ready?” Roxie calls in a sing song voice. Her excitement is easy to hear, just like finding the sun on a cloudless summer day.

I can do this, I’m mother fucking Henleigh Monterey, I guess we better get this show on the road.

SITTING backstage while a band plays out front is beyond surreal, I’m freaking out.

“Hey, you’re going to do great,” Bella says as she wraps her arms around me.

“Where’s Noah?” I ask, my throat hoarse with nerves. I’m so happy I don’t have to be the one singing tonight.

“Out in the crowd, front and centre. Don’t worry he wouldn’t miss this for the world,” she says with a beatific smile. Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that no one has mentioned either Elijah or Amias?