“What on earth are you talking about, you’ve completely lost me here.”
I’m telling her everything that transpired since leaving Padstow, including my epiphany when I sat beside Harrison. She is looking so shocked, if I wasn’t finding this situation so hard, I’d probably be laughing right now.
“Damn girl, does anything normal ever happen in your life? So, what is this big secret that you don’t want anyone to reveal and what are you going to do about Amias?” She looks so curious, and I can see the cogs turning in her mind.
“I want to teach him that I am more than just a name, that what he has been doing is so messed up I can’t even put it into words. I want to make sure he never does anything like this again. And as for my secret, I’ll tell you, I just hope you’ll still be around by the time I finish.” I sit up and square my shoulders, bracing myself for the big reveal.
She stays as I tell her and I don’t even know why she is the first person I’m telling my story to. Maybe because she asked or because in my soul I know I can trust her, it could also be because this is her last year and it makes it easier.
“Fuck me Leigh, that’s so messed up. Someone clearly knows about this, who do you think it is?”
“That’s all you have to say on the matter, you don’t hate me or even think less of me? Seriously Roxie, I’m a monster, I destroyed her life,” I’m getting so worked up over this, did I want her to hate me for it? Yeah, I think I did, because I hate myself.
“Look girl, what you did is bad. There’s no denying that and I agree, you shouldn’t have gotten out so quickly, but it is what it is. You’re not walking around unaffected, if anything this is haunting you and that’s a worse fate than any prison sentence. You’re suffering enough, I’m not going to add to that. Plus, she’s alive. Maybe her dream of being a dancer is gone but she’s still here, you didn’t destroy it, you just... altered it. Now as for Amias, I think I can help you with that one.” I can feel her compassion as she speaks, she’s looking at me but not forcing me to hold eye contact and she’s leaning forward ever so slightly. And she says it all with a soft smile on her face, and I would never describe Roxie as soft.
She sits down beside me and tells me everything she did to Declan when he was chasing after her and still with Britney. She made him suffer and earn the right to be with her, I can adapt it to help with what I have in mind. Only I don’t think this version will end happily unlike theirs.
“The one thing you need to ask yourself though Leigh is, do you still have feelings for Amias and is there any chance you'll want to be with him?”
“I don’t know, I guess I just have to hope that I’ll have it figured out by the end of the school year.”
Classes don’t actually start until tomorrow but I’m not going to wait until then to see Noah, he may not even be here yet but that’s no reason to not a
t least go and check.
I’ve got a pair of leggings on, with an oversized jumper that has one of the arms falling off my shoulder and a pair of ballet flats. My hair is up in a French braid and I’m going without makeup, I think I look okay but looks aren’t important to Noah. I guess it just adds to his appeal, I love that boy so much, I’m just not ready to tell him yet.
I’m just going to knock on his door and if he’s not here, then I’ll go back to my room and wait for tomorrow, it’s no big deal.
“Henleigh, hey.”
“Matti, it’s so good to see you,” I say, throwing my arms around him. He’s still tensing, but he’s getting used to me hugging him now.
“It’s good to see you too, Noah got in about thirty minutes ago,” he says with a sheepish grin and I hate that he can see right through me.
“That’s great, I mean, while I’m here I might as well say hey,” I wink at him that makes him chuckle slightly, before I take a minute to figure out the best way to ask him for a favour. “Matti, there’s actually something I’d like to ask you. It’s a bit weird and I can’t say why yet but I was wondering if you could teach me how to,” I move in closer and whisper the word, “hack.”
“Sure, I guess I could. You’re not up to anything illegal, are you?” He asks as his eyes dart around the room.
“I’m not going to lie to you Matti, but I promise it’s for a good reason and no one will even know. I just need some information and I’ve run out of ideas on how else I can acquire it.” I really need him to accept my explanation, I hate that I’m putting him in this position, but what else can I do? Sometimes being selfish is the only way to survive, even if you stop having the chance to be the person you wish you could have been.
He’s rubbing the back of his neck as a door opens behind me, I turn around and yes, it’s Noah and he looks better than ever. More tired than usual but he’s smiling my favourite smile and I launch into his arms.
“Mmm my Leighbear,” he’s spinning me around and nestling his face into the crook of my neck.
He’s not usually this openly affectionate with me, I’m not complaining but it’s a little worrying. I’m taking him in more, the bags under his eyes are darker and his pallor is more sunken.
“Hey Noah bear, damn I’ve missed you,” I say, as I brush my fingers across his cheek and down his neck.
“I missed you too, do you want to come in?” That has to be the best question I’ve been asked all day, of course I’m not going to say no and I cannot get this stupid smile off of my face.
He’s closing the door and his cheeks are growing red, what’s going on with him? I’ve been in his room before and it doesn’t usually make him feel embarrassed.
“What’s up Noah, you’re going all red. I mean it’s cute but I can’t figure out why,” I say, making him burn even brighter, so damn cute. It’s making my smile grow if that’s even possible.
He comes closer, so we’re now standing toe to toe. He’s raising his hand to my face, but it’s just hovering there. He’s not actually making contact and I can’t help but arch my brows at him.
“I’m having the test done, when this school year ends I’ll finally know. I’ve been raised to look out for others and to not be selfish, but for once I really want to be.” He inhales deeply as his fingers twitch but he still doesn’t conquer the inches between his hand and my face. “I want you Henleigh and I don’t want to fight it anymore, I don’t know if there’ll even be a future for us once we finish school but I’d really like to live in the present. With you.” He’s bending over slightly to conquer the height difference, so we’re standing here, just staring at one another.