You Were Never Honest (Never 2)

“Come on, let’s get our studying on. I have a thing later that I need to practise.”

“Sure, if that’s what you need to do,” he replies as we head back towards the library and Benjy gives me an appreciative smile. No worries here, I’ll look after him for now. Besides, he does seem to listen to me.

He’s doing so well, I can’t see him having any difficulties with passing this, apart from English. He just doesn’t care enough to apply himself fully, and it’s clearly holding him back.

“You can do so much better than this, you know the school is really strict about our A-levels being scored on the high side. Why did you even take English if you don’t like it?” I ask, I can’t wrap my head around it.

“My parents wanted me to, they want me to go to university and get a useful qualification. They don’t want me focusing on a pipe dream that might not lead anywhere.” His nonchalance has to be practiced, he cannot be this unaffected, this blasé about the whole thing, surely.

“What’s your pipe dream, come on if you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.” I wonder if that sounds flirty to him, because it sure as hell does to me. Fuck my life, I really need to watch what I say or more like, how I say it.

“Fine, I liked fighting because it helped me to unleash my anger, but I wasn’t passionate about it. For me my true passion lies in motorbikes. I want to build custom bikes, as well as take old ones in that have seen better days and give them a new lease on life. All I want to do is go to college so I can do a bike mechanics and body shop course, but they don’t think it’s practical.” A fire is burning in his eyes and there’s this terrifying beauty in his anger, when it isn’t being directed at me.

“That’s ridiculous, a pipe dream is hoping you can be the next top model and make enough money that it won’t matter when you grow old and grey. Being a mechanic is practical, besides you’d never be stranded on the side of the road,” I point out and I almost get a smile again.

“Your turn.”

“Turns out I have two passions, one I knew about and another I had no idea about until I came here. I play guitar and sing a little, tell anyone and I will kill you. And I also love photography. Capturing those unique, wonderful and special moments. I’d love to do it full time, and that’s what I’m going to do when I leave here. I’ll go to university probably, but I want to be a photographer,” I say and he’s got this wicked look on his face, I’m a little worried now.

“You play guitar, yet you’re not helping your friends. I’d call you selfish, in fact I’d love to do that, but you helped me a lot over the holiday when you had no reason to. So why won’t you do the same for someone who probably deserves it more?” There is nothing but curiosity in his question, I can tell by his tone and his eyes, but how honest do I want to be? Better yet, how much of myself am I willing to reveal?

“Because I’m scared, sometimes that one reason can really hold me back from doing a lot of things that I end up regretting later on. Besides no one else knows, and I’d appreciate it if you’d keep it to yourself. You probably won’t because you’re an utter arse, but hey it’s out there now,” I say and although I’m scared he will tell every fucker in Padstow, I don’t regret it.

“You made me feel a little more like me, for that I won’t tell anyone. That’s the only nice thing you can ever accuse me of though, I mean it Monterey.”

“It’s a deal, now continue your healing so I can continue to kick your butt on the track,” I say as I get up and start to grab my things.

“Are we done for today?”

“I am, you need to decide how bad you want to get out of here. Get a C grade at least and if you really want to go to college then do it anyway. You can’t live for your family,” I say as I scrunch my eyes closed. Shit, my voice is breaking, I’m giving too much away.

“Oh fuck it,” his voice is gruff and I don’t understand why until he’s suddenly holding me, what the hell?

“Don’t tell anyone about this Monterey, like you said enemies for life,” his voice is muffled but his mouth is so close to my ear, I wouldn’t have missed it if an orchestra started playing.

“Then why are you holding me?” I ask, hesitant to find out his reason.

“Because I understand the pain that you had in your voice just then and I guess, for the same reason you’re letting me.” His tone is soft and revealing more than I think he’d like, I just can’t decipher what he’s revealing right now.

He pulls away and I’m swiping at my face to get rid of the stray tears, I look at him for a moment before I rush outside and hide behind a set of shelves. Why did I let him, have I started seeing him as some kind of friend? How messed up is that?

I’m going through my pockets when I realise I’ve forgotten my phone, I really should go back to leaving it in my room. At least I can’t lose it that way, Harrison has gone, and it isn’t taking me long to retrieve it and escape to my room. It’s about time I stop hiding from PastFinder, it’s about time I responded.

Did you find it? The countdown to the day that will change everything, it’s a shame it couldn’t be sooner but the idea of you leaving here without any of the friends and guys you covet fills me with this undeniable pleasure.

The thought of you suffering is my Christmas and birthday gift to myself and Rebecca. I can never forget about her, unlike you!

The Shepherds as you call them are so easy to manipulate, the new year is going to be ram packed full of surprises, and none of them are pleasant.

PastFinder

Funny, it’s dated a month ago. But then again, the emails are never consistent. Matti has confirmed that I’m still getting emails sent to me supposedly from Elliott, but I can’t handle those. They may not read like him in any way, shape or form but it’s still sick. It hurts my heart to receive anything addressed from him.

I have a letter Dad gave me the day after my birthday in Elliott’s handwriting that I still can’t bring myself to read.

No, this isn’t what I need to do, I am going to send this mystery person a reply and then that’s it. I don’t expect anything to come from it, but what else can I do? Ignoring them isn’t working, maybe this is what they want.

Dear PastFinder,