You Were Never Honest (Never 2)

“Afternoon you must be Henleigh,” Rebecca says, I’ll never forget her and as she lo

oks up from her wheelchair, it almost transports me back to that day.

“Yes I am, sorry for intruding. I never expected for you to want to see me in person,” I say, as she moves back and invites me inside her bungalow.

“Please, come inside. It will be easier to do this sitting down, and I have already put the kettle on if you would like a drink.”

I am so confused. Why isn’t she screaming at me, telling me how evil I am and how I ruined her life in one stupid and reckless moment.

“It isn’t poisoned, look I’m not going to pretend that having you here isn’t unsettling and even a little painful. But I would like to hear what you have to say. I never read your letter, I was too messed up at the time and my mum threw it away. So, by the time I was ready, it was too late.”

I sit down and accept a cup of coffee, not sure I need any more energy, I feel way too jittery but I just need to keep my hands busy.

“I’m not sure what it is you need to say, just begin when you are ready and then I have a few things I would like to say to you.”

I nod my head in agreement and she relaxes back into her chair, Harrison never looked this comfortable but I guess after four years she’s found ways to help her adjust.

“To begin I would like to tell you why I acted so reckless and what caused me to be out there that night, I’m not trying to make excuses, it’s just the events that led up to the biggest mistake of my life,” I say, and she nods her head for me to proceed.

“My brother was killed eleven years ago, and it destroyed my family, none of us were ever the same again after that. I became despondent and an utter loner, my father became obsessed with work and would disappear for days on end and my mother turned to drugs.” It’s getting a little hard to stay calm, and this is the easy part. “It started off as prescription painkillers, but it didn’t take her long to turn to the harder stuff. She has been in and out of rehab ever since but every time she fails, she hits it hard and I get the backlash. The night of the incident, she told me that it was my fault my brother died and she wished it had been me instead of him. At least then she’d have a child she could be proud of,” I stand and begin to pace, I’m getting close and my nerves are eating away at me.

I take a couple of minutes to brace myself and try to find my inner calm. And all this to me she just sits there, waiting patiently for me to finish. Her face giving nothing away.

“She always says cruel things when she’s high, but that day was the worst by far and I guess I reached my breaking point. My Dad wasn’t around and I’d had enough of coming second to not only drugs but the ghost of my brother. Now I adore him, he was my everything but it’s hard to live in his shadow. But that isn’t relevant, anyway, there was this group of troublemakers that kept trying to entice me to join them and that night I did.

I helped myself to my mum’s weed and a few of her ecstasy tablets and I left, I was out of my head and I loved it. For the first time in forever my mind was blank, and I was having fun. I wasn’t thinking or remembering every little detail and when Tom told me to take over I didn’t refuse. I don’t even know where we were going when I hit you, I was freaking and Tom and his mates weren’t any help and we ran. I should have stayed with you and made sure you were okay but I didn’t. I left you for dead and ran away, and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you. I really am sorry,” I finish as my throat closes up, but I won’t cry, I don’t deserve to.

“Before I say my piece, there is one thing I would like to ask you. If you could go back and undo it, would you?”

How do I answer that, it’s not as clear cut for me. I guess I need to be honest and accept her hate and loathing.

“If I could go back and make sure I didn’t destroy your dreams then I would, but I wouldn’t stop it,” I hate myself right now, how can I even say that to her.

“Why?”

“Because I never would have gone to juvie or been sent to Padstow, I didn’t want to go but now I’m sad that it will soon be coming to an end. If I hadn’t gone to prison for what I did to you then I never would have met my boyfriends, the truest friends I’ve ever known or your brother. I also wouldn’t be the person I am today.” I need to take a moment before I continue, this isn’t easy because I’m admitting that given the chance I’d hit her with the car all over again. But she deserves honesty. “I try to be less selfish and to think of others, I question my actions to ensure they won’t hurt someone else and I always take a second to think about it before I do anything too reckless. It doesn’t always work but it has helped me to be better, I don’t want to go back to the person I used to be. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and nothing can ever make up for it, but at least I won’t let something like that happen on my watch.” I won’t let the tears that are pricking my eyes fall, if my life was a rollercoaster this would be the point where the reach the top of the highest drop and you don’t know if you would be excited or terrified.

“It took guts to be that honest with me, and now I am going to be honest with you. I hated your guts for the longest time, I thought you had destroyed my life but the thing that really broke me was how you left me. You didn’t even look back, I was broken and bruised and I felt worthless. It’s taken a lot of work to come to terms with that and to use my anger in a more constructive way.” she’s twisting a ring on her hand and I can’t help but notice the finger it sits on. She’s engaged, I hope he’s good to her she deserves it more than most. “The thing is, I don’t hate you anymore. The wheelchair is hard going but I refuse to accept that I will always be in this chair, and I will keep on trying to regain the use of my legs until the day I die. I also realised after a while that I don’t miss the ballet, I loved it whilst I was doing it but it was tiring. I always had to be on point and the epitome of perfection and I feel free now I no longer have that pressure resting upon me. Honestly, I think my family was hit worse by this than me in the long run.” I can barely breathe, she doesn’t hate me... I wonder how that feels. Maybe one day I too could get to a point where I no longer hate myself for all my ill deeds. “I know seeing me broken and my attitude change overnight was hard for them but if I can move on, then so can they and they should. I’m finally living my life solely for me and I’m happy, I’m training to be a teacher and I’ve just moved in with a guy I have loved since I was a little girl. I can’t give you my forgiveness Henleigh but I’m okay if you decide to forgive yourself.”

Tears are flowing freely down my cheeks and I don’t know how to respond, I could never be this forgiving.

“My brother is a dingbat but you mentioned him as a reason why you wouldn’t change your past, do you have feelings for him?” she asks, and I need to take a minute before I can answer her.

“I don’t know how I feel, but I’m proud of him for what he’s overcome and how he’s handling it all. I like him even if we are enemies for life.” A laugh slips free, part joy and wonder but mainly confusion.

“No life sentences Henleigh, it’s too short for that. Thank you though, for being honest and I’m glad you wouldn’t change anything. You learned an important lesson and sure it sucks that it comes at the cost of my ability to walk, but at least it wasn’t a pointless incident. It had a purpose, I can deal with it. I don’t think I can see you again for a while, it’s still hard for me but that’s my issue not yours.” Her eyes are soft and I can’t help but wonder just how difficult this is for her, staring at the person who robbed them of a life they knew, knowing that I can get up and simply walk away if it ever gets too rough. “I don’t want to cling to my anger or hold grudges, but I’m glad I met you. You’re different from the person I conjured in my mind and its really helped me. Take care of yourself Henleigh and continue to not make rash decisions that could end up with dire consequences.”

The rest of Christmas flies by, I don’t know what it’s going to be like when I return to school. There really isn’t long left to go, and it’s passing by so fast. I still need to find out who Mr. Terrifying really

is and who he’s working for. That has to be my top priority, and getting my own back on the Shepherds, I am really looking forward to that. Watch out Chelsea and Octavia, I’m coming for you. I won’t be alone and I will not stop until I teach you a valuable lesson. Don’t do anything if you’re not willing to have it returned to you tenfold.

“You’ve got your thinking face on again,” Roxie says with a grin and it only widens when I tell her my plans. Of course she wants in on it and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Chelsea first, then Octavia. Anyone else will just be a bonus, what do you think will hit them the hardest?” I ask.

“Chelsea believes she is the centre of the universe, that every girl should want to be her and every guy is dying to have her. Break the illusion, show her what people really think and you’ll break her. As for Octavia, she’s a little more tricky. She is all about her looks, you take those away and she’ll be helpless.”

We brainstorm for a little while, until we have a rough plan beginning to form. It isn’t perfect and it can backfire in so many ways, but at least we have a place to start.