Eternal

“That’s an excellent question Addy, it’s because you are the first person to notice that I am just a huge pretender. Darren and I are supposed to be an item, so then why has he never noticed anything? He claims to love me you know; he’s said it a few times and I see the hurt in his eyes every time that I don’t say it back. And I won’t. Not when I don’t feel it myself. The worst part is the first time it happened I could see the rejection that he felt as clear as day and I didn’t want to be the reason for his hurt. He would have wanted to talk about it and clear the air and I hate that shit. So, to keep him from voicing his feelings, I kind of slept with him.”

I swear her eyes near enough popped out after my confession. She even spluttered a couple of times before she regained her composure.

“You had sex with the poor guy so he wouldn’t pour his heart out to you? God Unya, that is mean,” she stated, clearly disappointed in my choice of avoidance.

“It wasn’t that bad, not if you really think about it. He had a great time Addy, and I made sure that I wasn’t a selfish lover or anything. Besides, I guess I was secretly hoping that I would be able to feel something if we were together in such an intimate way,” I replied, suddenly feeling like I should be on the defensive.

“So, did it work, did you suddenly have an epiphany?”

I refused to make eye contact with her after she asked her question and just slowly shook my head. “I thought if we gave it a shot then maybe I would feel fireworks going off, maybe I could tap into this chemistry that he is convinced is between us. And yet again my senses failed me on all fronts. I couldn’t even bring myself to cuddle with him afterwards. God, I feel like such a bitch sometimes, I guess if you can’t feel love, then how could you even possibly hope to actually enjoy sex?”

It was at that statement that Addy started to crack up laughing. She tried calming herself down by breathing in deeply, but every time she looked at me, she just became more hysterical. She even had to pull her car over so that she didn’t actually hit anything. She finally settled down, placed her hand upon my shoulder and stared me straight in the eyes.

“Unya you do not need emotions to enjoy sex. If you didn’t get to experience the enjoyment that you should’ve, then it is probably because Darren just isn’t all that great in the sack. You aren’t compatible, and that’s nothing to feel ashamed about. But leading him on is cruel, he has every right to move on and find someone who actually wants to be with him. I mean, after everything you’ve told me if he really cannot see anything wrong then he obviously is not right for you either, please Unya just set him free.”

Chapter Three

Unya

I sat pondering her words as she pulled into the college car parking area and I realised my error. I knew I had to tell her that I’d dropped out of my second year, but I decided to leave it for the time being, promising myself that I would fill her in later on. She pulled me in for a quick hug before she waltzed off to her class.

I left the grounds fairly quick and headed towards the beach. There was definitely a plus to living in Devon in dreary England. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I have a problem with England, not at all, I just cannot stand the sudden weather changes. Luckily for me though it was a bright sunny day with no hint of overcast.

I laid my jacket down on the sand and sat down with my knees pulled up to my chest. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and proceeded to take long drags, almost to the point where my lungs were screaming from the exertion. I’d only been here for about five minutes when I felt a chill run down my spine and had the sudden feeling that someone was watching me. I was about to turn around when a shadow appeared overhead and a hand was placed upon my shoulder. I glanced up and suppressed a sudden sigh when I saw Darren. He proceeded to crouch down behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Baby that is a filthy habit,” he stated and then snatched my cigarette from my hand, crushing it beneath his foot.

I couldn’t hide my sigh that time, but all it did was make him smirk slightly and I suddenly had the urge to wipe it from his face. With my fist.

I assumed that the feeling of being watched had been caused by him, so I pushed it out of my mind.

He came around to face me and I heard his gasp when his eyes connected with the mess that had become my face. “What the hell happened to you baby?” He asked with genuine concern written across his features.

The first thought that came across my mind was Showtime. The second was whether or not I should confide in him, for what would probably be the first time.

“Jackie did this; she said some things about my mum, and I lost my cool.”

“You raised your hand to your aunt?” He asked incredulously and I realised image was just as important to him as it was to his family.

“Of course not. I got into a fight with some girl I used to know at school. Defending my family honour and all that, as if my aunt would ever do this,” I replied, wishing that I could feel hate, as I knew that I would probably hate h

im.

“Of course she wouldn’t. My mum would never associate herself with people like that. You know what my parents are like, family values and the way we portray ourselves are very important. There’s a lot of pressure involved when you’re a judge like my dad, he’s damn good one at that too.”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him and closed them instead. He must have taken that as some sort of sign as he was suddenly pulling me into his arms.

“It’s ok. You were just doing what you thought was right, but I wish you wouldn’t let your anger get to you so much. Jackie is always talking to my mum about how worried she is about you. She honestly believes that you’re on a one-way trip to prison. I keep saying that it’s probably just a phase, but you don’t help yourself by throwing yourself into those situations. I was going to see if you wanted to come to my place later on for dinner, but I think it’s for the best if we keep you away from my family until your face is better.”

If I were a normal person, I would probably feel pissed off about that, so I decided that was exactly how I was going to act.

I pushed him away from me and jumped up onto the balls of my feet. I stared down with a sneer on my mouth and I could see from his expression that he was unsure of what he should do.

“All you care about is what your family thinks. What about me Darren? Because I’m never going to change. And you know why that is? Because I don’t want too,” I jabbed my finger into his chest, warning him to not try his usual placating bullshit..

“I happen to think that I am perfectly fine just the way I am and if you can’t accept that, then maybe you should go and find somebody else to hang off of your arm. I don’t care about the bruises and I do not appreciate you talking about me to your mother and Jackie. So, before you say anything else to make this situation worse, I suggest you leave. Now.” I made sure to shout that last word at him so that he could not confuse my intent.

He looked like he wanted to argue, so I pushed him in the chest and this time I made out as though it was an order with one simple and slightly raised word “Leave.” It looked as though his eyes glazed over for a second before he brushed the sand off of his clothes and just walked off.