You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

He slams the handle into my arms over and over again, not stopping until dark black bruises are beginning to form. Should I be happy that he hasn’t stabbed me with it?

“You fuckwit, no wonder Chelsea fucked your father. I bet he was the father of her baby too,” I say through the blood, laughing hysterically as I finally snap.

I can see it, the moment I push him too far. His face is filled with such a murderous rage, dark and twisted into something truly hideous, that I don’t think I’m going to come out of this alive.

His hands are around my neck and he’s squeezing so tight I can’t get any air into my system.

I thought Dante would be the end of me but I guess I was wrong. Finley will be the one who robs me of my life.

My hands shoot up to his, clawing at him with my nails and drawing blood but it only makes him smile, and it chills me. Black fills my vision as I continue to scratch until my arms fall loosely to my side. I’m going to die.

MY SCREAMS ARE FILLING my room and my hands are streaked with blood, but even though I know I’m not in that basement anymore I can’t stop screaming and seeing his face of pure adulterated hate before me.

“Henleigh,” Harrison is right in front of me, but I can’t see his face. All I can see is Finley’s, and it only makes my scream that much more intense.

“You can’t,” Noah says but I don’t know what he’s talking about. “Fuck this shit, let her kick me out, I’m not going to just stand here and watch this anymore,” Harrison shoots back at him, as his arms come around my shaking body and pull me against him tight.

I’m smacking my fists hard against his chest as I thrash around and he drops me back down onto my bed before pulling me back up, only this time it’s with my back against his chest.

“Woman I’ve got you, stop screaming and close your eyes,” his voice is the softest I’ve ever heard it but it still has that growly quality that I’ve always loved.

My screaming dies out, but it’s more because my throat can’t take anymore than what he said. I slide my eyes closed and I can feel his breath whispering against my hair.

“It’s just me, I told you before that I will keep you safe. I’m sorry I failed and bad shit happened, but I’m here now. You can’t push me away, no matter how hard you try,” his words are nothing if not heartfelt and I can feel my tears sliding down my face.

I jerk back into his chest as something brushes against my cheek and I hate that I’m whimpering like a puppy dog.

“It’s just me Leighbear, I can’t bear to see you cry,” he says as his hand lays gently across my face and when I pull away, he doesn’t follow.

He’ll never push me and it only furthers my love for him, I wish I wasn’t so broken. I move my head back slowly and I can hear him exhale as I lean against his hand and my sobs break free but I don’t fight them anymore. Even as Harrison lies us down on my bed and Noah lies on the other side of me, I let them stay. I won’t open my eyes out of fear that it won't be their faces I see, but knowing that they are with me helps to keep the nightmares at bay. This has to be the best night sleep I have had since I was taken.

THEY MUST HAVE LEFT in the night, because they’re certainly not in here with me anymore. I don’t know if I should feel relieved, but I don’t, which is confusing. I want them to keep their distance but after last night, I think they’re the only ones who can help me get through this and defeat the demons that are haunting me, whether I’m asleep or awake.

Getting up is a struggle, I’m so worn down and I have zero energy, at least I haven’t got class today. I can just stay at home and try to find something to keep my mind off everything else. Well, I say that but I know what I will do, reading El's Diary is becoming an obsession but I can’t stop. I’m discovering the person I never got to see, I’m not sure what to make of him but he’s still my brother and it’s clear that his heart was in the right place. I know I could have read it in a day or two, but I want to draw it out. It’s keeping El with me and I need that.

10TH JANUARY 2009

I knew I could prove myself to Devon, and he’d see how valuable I could be to his family, only he’s not happy about it. He wants to keep me safe, all of us and he’s worried about what will become of Hen if I get in too much trouble. It isn’t like I’m going to risk her, for crying out loud I’m doing this for her. To make sure she grows up happy and carefree without the poison that is our parents.

He keeps talking about this poison but I don’t know what he’s going on about, I could flip to the back and discover whatever he’s hidden back there but I’m not sure I’ll understand it if I don’t read this for its entirety.

He said his father (I know they’re not related and all that but he’s more of a father to Devon than ours is to me) has seen me around and wants to talk to me. Not as his son’s friend but a possible recruit and when I hit eighteen, a full-fledged member of the Black Hearts. Devon chose the name, apparently he refused to join anything that called themselves the heathens and his dad let him. Anything for his boys, especially as Devon will be the leader one day.

My job, to prove my loyalty and show that I’m worthy of a position, is to steal a car. A fucking expensive one at that, my moral compass went a little haywire at first. Isn’t stealing wrong? But Devon assured me that the person I’m stealing from not only deserves it but he can also afford it. Apparently they have a strict code and even though I’m not sure what it is, it does assuage me of my guilt.

15TH JANUARY 2009

I can’t believe I did it, I stole a fucking car, it’s insane! At least I know Devon was telling the truth, no innocent owner would have a boot full of semi automatics. I don’t know what the Black Hearts will do with them and I’m not going to ask. His dad doesn’t approve of anyone asking too many questions, sure it should worry me but it doesn’t.

Man it was such a rush, even when someone came out chasing after me with a gun in his hands it didn’t dampen it at all. I think my attitude concerns Devy a little but his dad is happy and that’s all that matters.

PAGE AFTER PAGE he writes about the small crimes he did but he had the same impression I’m getting, they were leading up to something bigger.

HARRISON IS FINALLY home and I’m sick and tired of staring at the four walls of my poxy bedroom. I’m bored stiff and I guess I’m hoping it will be better if I socialise with the guys I love. Even if I no longer tell them how I feel or show any inclination of still being interested in either of them. Should I let them know that nothing has changed for me, even if I myself have?

I can hear voices coming from the living room, should I make myself known or loiter? Okay, I know which one I should do but fuck it, it’s my house if I want to loiter in the hallway, I will.

“Have you spoken to either of them?” H asks, and he does not sound happy, I don’t even need to try and guess who the ‘them’ are.