You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“I refuse to talk to Amias and as long as he’s in the BH it will stay that way. Lija has reached out and asked if Leighbear will talk to him but it isn’t for me to decide. Besides why do you care? I didn’t think you thought much of them after everything that went down,” Noah replies but he doesn’t sound confused, he says it in such a way that hints that he already knows why H is asking.

“I don’t, but I worry about her. What if they turn up unexpectedly and make things worse? She’s already closed herself off from us, I don’t want it to get any worse. I love her Noah and I want her to come back to us,” I can hear the pain and anguish in his tone and the way he chokes up just a little. His voice is thicker than mud and I want to comfort him but something in me clearly disagrees.

“I haven't left,” it falls free with no resistance and they look a mixture of guilty and shocked. That’s right fellas, no more secret conversations will be taking place under my roof.

“Maybe not physically, but mentally you have. I want the girl who never gave up and called me out on my shit. Tell me how I can get her back,” Harrison says, stalking closer to me and only stopping mere inches away.

“I need time, bloody hell H, you have no idea what you’re asking of me right now,” I say, as my frustration takes over and all I want to do is slap him up the side of his head and knock some sense into him.

“Then tell me,” he shouts and an icy fear washes over me, but it’s not the only thing that occurs within me, there’s also anger, hot and all consuming.

“I can’t,” it comes out on a scream and I’m shaking all over as I close another inch that separates me and I can see his eyes flash with something.

“I guess I need to leave then, because I can’t do this. I want to be with you Henleigh, even as you are now but I won’t keep being shut out behind a thick concrete wall. It’s killing me,” he’s shouting now and Noah is just looking at us with his mouth hanging open.

“Go, but don’t expect me to welcome you back with open arms if you change your mind,” I fire back as I turn on my heels and storm off to my room. I’ve just told him to leave, this is definitely up there in my top five, biggest mistakes.

Leaning my head against the door, all I can do is close my eyes and listen to the footsteps that are coming up the stairs. We really should get carpet, it would dull the sound just a little. Stop focusing on trivial shit and fix this before he leaves!

Damn I hate my inner voice but I can’t ignore it, it always seems to talk sense even if it is cruel at times.

I can hear his door opening and I think the whole damn street can hear the way he slams it closed. Do I go straight in or do I give him a few minutes? I prefer the latter but it's the easy option and I cannot take that, not with Harrison. He deserves to have someone fight for him.

Opening my door is harder than it should be, maybe because of the weight of what I’m going to do. Deep breath in and out, just for a bit of courage. I know I cannot knock, he’ll ignore me and I deserve it so I have to bite the bullet and go in unannounced and uninvited.

“Harrison,” I say, as I push open the door and stop in my tracks to see him staring into his wardrobe with his duffel bag at his feet.

“What do you want Monterey?” He's using my last name, and it's slaying me, I miss him calling me woman, that’s his nickname for me and it means something.

“That’s how he kept finding us,” he looks at me as if I’m speaking in a foreign language. “There was a tracker on my duff

el bag, he put it there when he set my dad’s place on fire. Dante told me and I guess I must have forgotten all about it until I saw your bag and the memory came rushing back,” I’m speaking way too fast and I have no idea if he understands me right now.

“Okay,” he draws the word out, exaggerating it more than needed as he starts pulling clothes out of his wardrobe and throwing them straight into the bag.

“Don’t leave,” it feels as if I’m begging, I wonder if it’s coming across that way to him, he has stopped pulling clothes out but his shoulders are pulled taut.

“I have no reason to stay,” he’s shaking and I wish he would just turn around and look at me.

“You have me,” such a feeble reason, and by the way he’s shaking his head he clearly disagrees. He spins around and his cold, hard eyes fall straight on to mine.

“In what way do I have you Henliegh? You don’t let me near you and okay, that one I can live with for a while, because you are someone worth waiting for. But you won’t talk to me unless it's meaningless and trivial, so no I don’t have you. I’m starting to wonder if I ever did,” why is he such a defeatist all of a sudden. Have I done this to him? Fuck, I have been so selfish.

“In the way that I feel like I should let you go but I don’t want to, hell, I want to run into your arms and never pull away but my fear keeps me from doing so. I may not be showing it and I’m sorry for that, but I still want you H,” I can feel myself trembling and despite the fear and angst I need to keep going. “They broke me and I’m trying to piece myself back together, it’s just hard. I wish I wasn’t reminded of them so damn often. I want to enjoy this life. I was given a second chance and I’m wasting it,” that’s it, my voice has gone. I can’t hold back the tears any longer and I just want to curl up and disappear.

“Do you see their faces when you look at us?” He asks and all I can do is nod my head.

“Every time?” I shake my head this time, I can’t trust myself to speak and I don’t know what to make of the sigh he just released.

“Put your hands down by your side and close your eyes, you're safe with me woman I won’t hurt you. So, if you can, I really need you to trust me right now,” his tone is almost desperate and although I’m scared I can’t refuse him. This could be the make or break of us and if he leaves I won’t let him come back. Please don’t leave.

I can hear him coming closer and my heart is thrashing in time to my breaths, I’m a quivering mess and I’m terrified. Not of him, never of him but of what he’s going to do and how I may react.

“Henleigh, you helped me when you had no reason to. All I had done was pick on you, bully you and try to make you feel small. Yet you visited me when I was in hospital and you never asked for thanks,” his tone is soft and I can feel his breath washing over the back of my neck, drawing out an all over body shiver in me. “You got my arse out of that chair when I was being an insufferable bellend towards you and Benjy and you made it so I could pass the school year and get out of there. You kept me from going insane by gaming with me, still shocked by that one, and you stood with me even after it was my fault that everyone knew what you did,” a finger is tracing along the back of my neck.

I hate that I’m flinching at the touch or the way he lets me go until his fingers glide down my arm. They are leaving goosebumps in their wake and my fingers fall open as he gently takes my wrist and turns my hand, palm up. He traces the lines on my hand, which is making my fingers curl slightly, and my breath is coming out in rapid bursts.

“You helped me without a second thought, please let me do the same for you,” There’s an air of desperation to his voice, I do not need to be able to see his face to notice it. I’m shaking but I can’t refuse him, I wonder if he can see the way my breathing is staggered or how I nod quickly so I won’t change my mind.