You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

My phone chooses this moment to make itself known, I can’t keep the smile from my face knowing in three days I’ll have the only other people I need right here with me. I think it’s about time I started living again.

I CANNOT GET the smile off my face as Roxie goes to pull me in her arms, but I can’t handle it. I can’t stop myself from pulling back and flinching. “I’m sorry, I can’t handle physical contact all that well right now,” I say quietly and I don’t know why I feel so ashamed of myself, maybe it’s because of how small my confession makes me feel.

“It’s okay, we get it. I’ll just have to hug you in spirit,” Roxie replies as she hugs herself and sends me an exaggerated wink, whilst the other two are smiling at me. I’ve missed these girls so much and even though I have no idea what we’re going to do to entertain ourselves, I know we won’t be bored.

“I heard down the grapevine that Elijah is in town,” Bella says and the guys and I can’t believe what we’re hearing.

I know I was going to hear him out, but we haven’t even discussed it yet, so what is he doing here now?

My phone chooses this exact moment to go

off and I guess I must have thought his name too many times and summoned him to me. The girls are looking at me with sympathy, other than Roxie, she looks bored.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” I say, before answering my phone and stepping out into our back garden. I’m not sure if this is the kind of call they will want to overhear.

“Hen,” he’s saying my name like it’s a prayer, but it’s making my hackles rise.

“What are you doing in Cornwall Eli? I thought you were busy with uni and… other things,” I don’t know if he was hoping for more excitement or a little joy at least, but he isn’t going to get it. Not from me, not until I know why he has suddenly decided he wants to reach out.

“I was hoping if I came down you would see me, I don’t even know what I’m hoping for but I want to see you. Even if it does end with me going back to Cambridge and drawing a line through us for good,” I don’t think he’s saying it for my benefit, he wants closure and if I’m being honest with myself so do I.

“Okay, I can meet you in town at one,” I offer, he agrees and we decide on a small coffee shop that I love going to, best cakes ever.

“Thanks Hen,” he says quietly, but I have nothing left to say in reply as I disconnect the call, I need to get back in and enjoy the couple of hours I have before I have to leave. Only, I’m not ready to be around them, if anything I am nervous and dreading this meet up.

I can only give myself five minutes, before brushing off my doubts and angst and placing a smile on my face. Only the guys will notice how fake it is but I can explain it to them later, for now I have a tour to give.

It takes ten minutes for Mikaela to excuse herself to the living room and Bella follows her, I feel like this is a deliberate thing and I can’t help but wonder what it is that Roxie is going to say.

“How you doing baby girl?” she asks, whilst peering at her nails, she acts oblivious but I know she’s faking it.

“I’m getting there, the guys have been amazing and they’re helping me to find myself again. Now that’s out of the way, just spit it out Rox. You have never minced your words, so don’t start treating me differently now otherwise you will not be getting another invite,” I instil so much attitude into my voice and even do this weird little head wiggle, making her roll her eyes and smirk.

“We’re going away and we want you to come with us, no guys just us. The thing is it isn’t just a holiday, we’ll be performing,” and there it is, they are still trying to get me to commit and refusing to believe that I cannot play anymore.

“I can’t play, why won’t you listen to me,” my voice is getting louder with every word and she’s already putting her hands on her hips.

“They reset your hand baby girl and they never said it was impossible, just unlikely that you can play again. Why aren’t you fighting for this, trying to prove them wrong?”

“Because I don’t care,” I scream, I actually bloody scream right at her.

“Bullshit, pull your head out of your arse and face the truth. You’re scared to want it and you’d rather give up playing and let those bastards win then give it a shot,” she gives me one last look, glancing over me and she is certainly finding me lacking this time, before she turns away and joins the girls in the living room.

Is she right? Am I letting fear rule my life on this too? Fuck my life, I hate when people call me out on my shit, even more so when they make me realise something I should have known myself. Although she wasn’t entirely correct, yes it scares me to get up and perform in front of a crap load of people but that isn’t the main reason I’m holding back. I’m scared that if I try to improve my grip, and it fails, then I would have given myself false hope. I’d rather just suffer the defeat without the extra pain that trying and failing will bring me.

SIX

SITTING HERE IN THE CAFE, staring out of the window and watching people walk by is calming. Especially when I make up stories about the people I can see, it’s easier than being stuck within my own head, a dark fucking place that’s become.

“Hey, is this seat taken,” I look up into his eyes and it hurts my heart. He doesn’t look any different but his eyes are darker and they don’t have the usual twinkle I had grown used to seeing.

I can’t say anything, I mean I’m opening my mouth but nothing is coming out, it looks like he wants to smile but is deciding against it. He falls down into the chair and is just staring at me, if he is waiting for me to go first, then he’ll be waiting for a long arse time.

He exhales and drags his hand down across his face, before slowly shaking his head almost as if he’s shaking off the cobwebs.

“I've missed you,” I don’t know which one of us cringes first and his awkward smile seems fitting for this situation. “I wanted to reach out sooner but I was being an arse or more precisely, a petty little shite. I was pissed that you let Harrison in but shut us out, that you shut me out. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with you after Devon got you out of that place, I just didn’t know how to make it happen,” he sounds like he’s being straight with me, but he can’t even meet my eye. Seems like a guilty conscience to me.

“You fucked me and left, with nothing but a letter. I understood it even though it hurt, but then you ignored me. I tried to leave you be, like I had planned, but it was hard to stay away because I missed you.” Slowly, I turn the spoon in my coffee cup, watching how the liquid swirls and trying to find the right words without coming off as argumentative. The irony that I tried to do the same thing to Amias isn’t lost on me, but this is about me and Elijah. “When you rang me to help get in my dad’s office, I was more excited than I had any right to be and then I heard a girl’s voice. I shouldn’t have got jealous but the speed in which you moved on from me, the girl you claimed to love, really hurt. I couldn’t help but think that you never loved me, that or you don’t understand what that really feels like and how to recognise it.” Unlike him, I refuse to break eye contact once I start, the way he looks off to the side when I talk of the other girl has me turning green with jealousy. I hope he can’t tell.