You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“I don’t blame you Devy, Elliott would have gotten tied up in something one way or another. You’re probably the reason he didn’t get himself killed sooner, I don’t mean to be so blasé about it all, but you know I’m right,” how else can I be, but matter of fact about the whole thing, we can’t change it and living in the past is only going to make things worse. What’s done is done.

“I didn’t want you to know the truth about your brother, I wanted to keep the memories you had intact and untarnished. I know you were never scared of me, but I couldn’t guarantee that you wouldn’t look at him differently. I know you don’t agree with my decision but that's your issue, not mine,” he says as gruff and unaffected as ever, but we both know he isn’t that unshakable.

“I didn’t agree, you’re right about that but it’s a moot point now. I know what El got up to back then and his reasoning behind it. I know about the guns and that you lot were as high as a kite. Just like I know he was in love with a guy called Damon who got shot the same day El died and he is now in an institution. It made me reconsider who Elliott was but it hasn’t changed the way I feel about him. He was a good guy, despite what he did or didn’t do. His heart was always in the right place,” I pick up a shell and throw it into the waves, my voice is getting louder the more heated I become and I need to take a few moments to calm down.

“How did you come by this knowledge Henleigh and is that all you have learnt or do you have more to share?” His words are a double-edged sword, I want to refuse to answer but I don’t think he will let me get away with it for long. I think he is worried about what I know, but is it because he thinks it will drive a wedge between us or because he doesn’t trust me to keep it to myself?

“El wrote things down and I’ve been reading it, I don’t know everything and I doubt I ever will. I just know that you were part of a gang or club, whatever you want to call it. That you chose the name the Black Hearts, and you were set to take it over one day. I know more than I should, but that knowledge will stay with me,” I have to make myself look at him, I need him to see how sincere I am while I say this. I can’t afford for him to have doubts about me. I can’t afford to lose him, not now that I have him back.

“Can I read it, I don’t care what you know little Hen, I trust you. It would be nice though, to feel close to him again and see how he truly felt about all the stuff we did back then,” I believe his reasoning, but I have to refuse him and I kind of hate myself a little for having to do it.

“I’m not ready to share it, but once I’ve read everything there is I will let you look. You cannot keep it though Devon, it’s all I have left of him and I won’t let anything happen to that little piece of El,” I can tell by the hard lines on his face that he isn’t happy, but he gives a quick jerk of his head to show that he agrees. I bet he’s hating me, just a little right now.

DEVON WAS PLANNING to stay for a few more days, but something has happened and he has to leave. I hate it but I can’t ask him to stay, even though I’m dying to do just that.

“I will see you again soon and you’ll have Sawyer to keep you safe whilst I’m gone. He’ll take care of you,” he says as he pulls me in for a quick hug and I manage to last a few seconds longer this time, before I have to push him away.

“Stay safe Devy, I don’t want to lose you now that I have you back,” it comes out on a croak, as my emotions thicken my voice and threaten to choke me.

“Same for you little Hen, I won’t lose you. Don’t worry though, I will find Dante and then I will make sure that he and his bosses can never hurt you again,” the words are pushed out through clenched teeth, almost a hiss with the way he forces them past his lips.

“I’m planning to stick around, have no fear brother. I will listen to Sawyer and I won’t run, I promise,” it’s all I need to say, I won’t break a promise, and he knows it.

He drops a tender kiss on the top of my head, before grabbing his overnight bag and leaving my home. Harrison is at work and Noah has classes so it’s just me and Sawyer, I get the feeling the conversation isn’t going to be all that riveting today. Oh well, I’m not looking for meaningless words, I’m just going to hole myself up within my room and see what I can do on my guitar with the way my hand is. Maybe I should try to teach myself to play left handed, that would be interesting to see.

“Do you need anything?” Sawyer asks as he comes in from seeing Devon off.

“No, I think I'm going to sit in my room for a little while. But please, make yourself at home,” I say with a small smile on my face before I ascend the stairs and shut the rest of the world out.

I need to give it a shot, I know I can’t just pick it up and start playing like I used to, but I won’t give in this easily. They’ve taken so much from me already, I refuse to let them take anything else.

EIGHT

I DON’T KNOW if it was the shouting, the sound of things being thrown or the broken window that caused Harrison to hammer at my door. Sawyer is standing down in the back garden staring up at me with his mouth hanging open whilst running his hand through his hair.

“What did it do to you?” He calls up as Noah joins him and Harrison is getting louder.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” I shout out, louder than I intended to do, but jeez Louise take a chill pill or something.

“Can you come down, I mean we can talk like this if you want but it’s a little awkward,” Noah calls up and I can’t help but shake my head at him as I comb my fingers through my hair, making a mess and not giving a shit.

“If you can call Harrison off, I’ll be down in a sec,” I reply, my cheeks already heating as my anger starts to wear off and embarrassment is left in its wake.

They walk off and they must have gotten Harrison because there’s no more thumping at my door. I mean seriously, what did he think was going on? It’s not like I did anything bad, it was only a boot through a window and a broken lamp... amongst other things. Dragging my hand down my face isn’t helping, not sure why I thought it would. I’m just so frustrated, I’ve been practicing for two weeks now and there’s no improvement. Every day, as soon as I get home from class or have a day off, it’s all I do. So much so that the tips of my fingers have bled and I’m covered in plasters. I cannot get my fingers to work the way they should and it’s breaking me. I thought it was going okay and then it went to shit and I started throwing things.

Why did they have to be home right now? Sawyer I could deal with. We’re amicable but there’s no connection there, he can judge me all he wants. But not my guys, not while I’m feeling so frustrated with myself and humiliated with the way I reacted. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, and I know it hasn’t been that long but I think part of me was hoping it would just... click into place.

Maybe I should look into physical therapy, I did have it in the beginning and it helped but I wasn’t focusing on the guitar then. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. No, not going there, I need to go downstairs and face the music. Ha.

Walking downstairs I can see from the bottom step that they’ve converged in the living room and they’re all staring right at me. Sawyer looks a mixture of confused and amused if his furrowed brow and slight smile are anything to go by. Noah’s eyes are soft and his mouth is smiling but I can see the creases around his eyes and I know he’s worried. Whereas H just looks pissed, I guess that’s our dynamic. How fun.

I lift my hand up in a small wave and Harrison just shakes his head at me, revealing his ever ticking jaw. I can’t help but watch the way his cheek moves in and out as he tries to rein in his anger.

“I’m sorry about the window,” I say but I don’t understand why H is hissing at my words, am I not allowed to apologise now?

“I don’t care about a bloody window,” he grinds out, his eyes flashing and I can’t understand why he is so angry. Surely his reaction is an exaggeration, right? His mood doesn’t seem to fit the crime, not in my opinion anyway.

“What is your problem, so I freaked out and trashed my room a little. It isn’t that big of a deal, I only broke my stuff so take it down a notch,” I force out, my own anger returning as I step closer and jab my finger into his chest.