He seizes my wrist and his eyes narrow as I flinch, oh fuck it! I’m not letting my nightmares get in the way of this, he wants a fight he can bloody well have one.
“Are you really that dense or are you just acting the part?” His eyes are hard and his tongue whips at me with its poisoned barb.
“Where the fuck do you get off? Stop being irrational and start making some freaking sense,” I’m shouting and I can see the other two staring at us with amusement on their faces. Glad they’re enjoying the show. Bastards.
“You locked your door,” he shouts back and his growl may as well be a roar when I roll my eyes at his statement. “Drop the fucking attitude woman, I don’t need it. You locked me out and when I heard crashing noises, I was terrified that someone had managed to get in. I couldn’t get to you and I was helpless and proven useless,” he’s still shouting but the hardness in his eyes is giving way to the fear that I caused in him.
It’s killing me that he recoils as I reach out to touch him with my free hand, instead he releases me and storms out of the room. I want to follow him but I’m worried that I’ll only make things worse if I do that right this second. I never even considered what the locked door would do to them, to him. It was such an insignificant choice, I never even gave it a lot of thought.
“I’m sorry,” it comes out on a whisper and Noah is beside me in a nanosecond. I don’t even react as he wraps his arms around me. “Don’t worry my love, Harry isn’t great at dealing with true fear. I think we’re learning to handle it together,” he sa
ys against my forehead as he drops a kiss upon it.
“What are you on about, true fear?” His words are confusing me, well the meaning behind them anyway. I do not want to assume anything, so questioning it is probably my safest bet.
“We have a lot of things we’re scared of, some make sense and others are so irrational you can’t help but ask yourself why it affects you the way it does. It all pales in comparison however when you discover the one thing that truly scares you, and I mean chills you to the very core and makes you never want to see the light of day again,” he’s breathing hard and I can feel his heart racing a mile a minute as I rest my hand against his chest. “You can have more than one, but they're big. There isn’t anything small about them and cannot be paled to any kind of comparison. I had one when I thought I could turn like my mum but it passed when I was given the all clear. It hasn’t gone though, more changed into the fear that I could pass it onto one of my kids,” he laughs mirthlessly before taking a deep breath. “Like I said, you can have more than one and I know that one of my true fears I share with Harry. It’s you Henleigh, the thought of losing you. Something bad happening and not being able to save you or get a second chance to make things better. We don’t want to lose you Henleigh, I can’t lose you,” his voice is breaking and I can’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around him and holding as tightly as my arms will allow.
20TH FEBRUARY 2009
Ahhh fuck it, I can’t get this stupid smile off my face. I met someone a couple of days ago and I can’t get him out of my mind. He’s kind, sweet and so damn funny. He’s utterly barmy but in the best of ways, he has such a dry wit and he gets me. We spent hours just talking, and it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. So here’s my predicament, I can’t speak to him again. He’s so... good. He’s the kind of guy if he saw keys left in a car, he would stand there until the owner came back so no one would nick it. I bet he wouldn’t even say a bad word about his parents if his were anything like mine. This fucking sucks donkey dick. The first guy I genuinely like and he’s too good for me. For the life I am now leading and the shit I get myself into. It’s bad enough Henleigh is a part of it, even though she doesn’t realise it, I can’t do that to him as well. He has the chance to find someone worthy, someone who can be who he deserves, that isn’t me and I won’t ruin his life like my parents have ruined mine and Hen’s.
I wish I could see him again, just once but I can’t. It will only make it harder, besides who can even say he felt the same way about me. Like I said he was a really nice guy, he was probably just being friendly and didn’t feel like his heart was going to race out of his chest when our hands brushed against each other. Fuck, I am so screwed. Why couldn’t I have met him when I got our lives sorted out? Maybe it’s just further proof that we aren’t right for each other. Surely this life wouldn’t introduce me to the perfect guy only to yank him from me in a single heartbeat.
28 FEBRUARY 2009
Okay, so I know I said I wouldn’t talk to him again but he sought me out. What was I supposed to do, blank him? Okay yeah, that is what I should have done but we’ve been talking for an entire week straight, mainly texts but it can’t be in my head. There’s real chemistry between us and I’m struggling to remember why I shouldn’t pursue this. I know Henleigh will absolutely love him, maybe once I get us away she’ll have the chance to meet this guy who has turned my whole world upside down. Damon Berkeley, the only guy I can see myself being with. I sound so fucking lame but isn’t that the whole point of journaling? Being able to be honest with yourself, without any judgements. It isn’t like anyone else will ever read this and I can’t see why I would ever want to revisit some of the shit I have written down.
Speaking of that, I can’t believe Devon is taking a more central role already. His dad must really see something in him, I’m just not sure that is a positive thing. I love his family and they’ve looked out for me but I know they’re not the good guys, they’re not the worst by far but I’m not sure how far removed they are from being considered as bad as the Shaws.
Yeah, they are psychotic and the people they have working for them are insane. There’s this one guy who, when he looks at you makes you feel as though you’re one step away from death. His eyes are lifeless and I’ve never seen an ounce of emotion coming from him. He can charm as good as any ladies man but... it’s all pretend. It has to be, all I can say is that I hope I never fall onto the wrong side of Dante. I know it's inevitable though, if he’s working for the Shaws our paths will undoubtedly cross again. Devon said he’ll keep me safe and I know in a fight there’s no question who will come out on top, but something tells me if Dante ever wants me dead, it will happen. It will only be a matter of time.
I close the journal and move away from it to stare out of my window. He knew him and he had the same impression as me, I guess like brother like sister. Devon knows Dante as well, did he know there was a possibility he could escape? If so, then it’s my fault, he would have killed him if I hadn’t asked him not to. If he comes back for me, I’ll only have myself to blame.
HARRISON IS SITTING in the garden swinging on the bench swing, I need to go to him but I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should apologise but at the same time I feel as though I shouldn’t have to say sorry for putting a lock on my door. I don’t even know why I did it, okay that isn’t exactly true. I did it because I didn’t want anyone walking in while I was reading El’s journal and then it became a way to keep them out whilst I was trying to teach myself to play the guitar again. Maybe I need to tell him that, he knows about the journal, not what's written in it or anything but he knows I have it. So, why am I so reluctant?
Walking over to him, I can’t miss the way his shoulders tense and his eyes narrow. Maybe I haven’t given him long enough to calm down, but if I don’t do this now I more than likely won’t do it at all. So instead of turning around and walking away, all I can do is claim the seat beside him and hope he doesn’t leave.
“I didn’t mean to scare you like that, I never even considered what it would do to you guys. I didn’t mean to be so blasé about your feelings, I just wanted some privacy and the lock gave me that,” I’m speaking quietly as I fold my legs beneath me and look at him from the corner of my eye.
“You don’t need a lock on your door to ensure privacy, we would never just barge our way in, not unless we thought you were in danger. I don’t even know how to do this Henleigh,” he says in a tone I can’t recognise and the words are fucking scary. What does he mean?
I can’t bring myself to ask him that, instead I’m plucking a flower from a bush beside me and pulling its petals off, one by one.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” He asks, is there sarcasm in his voice, what does he want me to say?
“I’m scared to,” I reply, swallowing over the lump in my throat. The funny thing is, I’m terrified of losing them too.
“I don’t know how to do this relationship crap, especially when there’s more than two people involved. Although I don’t think it makes much of a difference how many of us there are, I just don’t know what I’m doing,” he climbs to his feet and starts pacing the ground whilst dragging his fingers roughly through his hair. “I’ve never done this before and I suck with the heavy stuff. It’s drowning me and I feel useless, I can barely even help you,” he’s saying every word slowly, carefully.
“You are helping me, it’s because of you I can even handle being held. The reason I don’t have to sleep alone at night and face every one of my nightmares. It’s all because of you tough guy and to be honest, I’m just as out of my element as you. I shut myself off for so long, it’s hard opening myself up and trusting completely. It’s scary, but you guys are worth the fear, you’re worth everything to me,” I don’t even know when I stood up or walked over to him, but I’m holding my hand out and he’s leaning his face into it.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispers and I stroke my thumb across his cheek. “I feel the same way,” I s
ay softly as he lowers his face to mine and captures my mouth in the softest, sweetest kiss I have ever experienced in my life.
It doesn’t stay sweet for long, as he deepens it sweeping his tongue along the seam of my mouth. I grant him the access he’s seeking and his hands are sliding down my back and gripping my arse as his tongue explores my mouth, tangling with my own. I place my hands on his shoulders and waste no time in gaining the leverage I need to be able to wrap my legs around his firm waist.
I can feel him hardening against me and I can’t stop myself from thrusting my hips enough to feel him rubbing right where I need him. His mouth pulls away from mine as his head lowers to my neck and he sucks and bites on the sensitive skin, making my toes curl.