You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“How’s Amias?” What the hell, why would I ask that? I hadn’t even meant to and by the way his eyebrows have shot up, he clearly wasn’t expecting it either.

“He’s... different. Angry all the damn time and I don’t know if you ever noticed but his eyes always had a darkness in them, in my opinion it’s gotten worse. There’s a hardness to him that wasn’t there before, I think he’s lost and I can’t figure out how to help him,” I can hear the worry in his voice, he’s concerned for his friend and although I won’t admit it, so am I.

“Do you think you could forgive him? You’re giving me a chance after all,” he says softly but the fact he can even compare himself to Amias, just shows how little he understands my reasoning.

“You all lied to me in a way, Noah was about his own health and although it hurt, once I calmed down I got it. It was easy to let him back into my life, I was never angry with you but Dante threatened to hurt you guys if I didn’t let you go so I did. I sucked at it clearly, every time I wanted to run to someone I would contact you, but everything got fucked up and you started telling Amias where I was and how to find me. You even gave my damn number out,” my hands slam into the table and we’re garnering a few stares but I couldn’t give two shits right now.

I keep one of my hands on the table while I drag the other through my hair, I can feel my eyes narrowing slightly as I look at him.

“Do you know how scared I was, knowing that someone was following me. I didn’t know he was trying to keep me safe, I thought he was working for Dante. The thing is, despite all that I know you did it because you cared, even if you did go about it the wrong way. I can appreciate the sentiment behind it. Clearly I’m not over it but I think I can get there,” taking a deep breath I notice his hand on mine and I don’t even know when he did it but I don’t want him to let go. Not yet anyway.

“What Amias did was different, maybe he did fall for me the way I did for him but I can’t trust him on words alone. He didn’t watch and get close to me for noble reasons, he did it because he was ordered to. Can’t you see how messed up that is? He made me trust him, he let me…” my voice is cracking and I take another mouthful of my drink as I close my eyes and try to close my heart to the world of pain he still causes me.

“I understand Hen, I don’t think he does but that’s his issue, not yours. I’m just glad you’re giving me another chance and I won’t mess it up this time, there’s no one else for me,” he says as his fingers brush against my cheek and I lean into it, just for a moment.

The spell is broken when I see his eyes drop to my mouth though and he knows it too, he pulls away but he doesn’t lose his smile. It's right here, at this moment that I finally know. We’re going to be okay.

TEN

15TH JUNE 2009

Two weeks of sneaking around, how did I let it get to this point. I was so convinced I could ignore him and move on, but he wouldn’t let me and I wouldn’t let him go. I know I’m going to have to tell Devon but I’m scared, it would kill him to know it but the BHMC comes first. Yesterday they threw me a surprise birthday party, knowing that I would spend today with pipsqueak and I loved it but I couldn’t stop my heart from missing Damon.

He’s a damn Shaw but he doesn’t want to be, he doesn’t want to be a part of any of this. He wants to get away as badly as I do, maybe even more so. We’ve spoken about it, but we can’t be making plans like that, it’s so early on. Although I already know, when me and Hen leave, I want him to be with us.

As for the guns, well, I went to target practice again today and I’ve improved a lot. This made Devon’s old man really happy but Devon looked as though he wanted to kill someone. Surely he knows I have no intention of ever pulling the trigger, I don’t believe in guns but I needed to know how to handle one. It would kill me if I made a foolish mistake, and it cost someone their life.

Anyway I’m going to take Hen out for our birthday treat, it may be my day but she always deserves to be spoilt. Best damn sister in the whole world, I may have got shits for parents, but she makes up for it all.

BIG GUY: Hey beautiful, can I just say that Uni sucks. The people here are either stuck up, know it alls or only interested in getting shit faced and laid. I’d much rather be in Cornwall with you and I know you’re rolling your eyes right now but it’s the truth. Mum says if I hate it that much then to leave but we both know I won’t do that, I’m not going to quit. I do wish I chose college instead though, I mean you’re doing photography there, why do I have to go to Uni for the same damn course. *insert over dramatic sigh*

ME: Hey big guy, I’ll have you know I did not roll my eyes... much. That’s just the way some people are, they’re carefree, and it’s not a bad way to be even if it isn’t for you or me for that matter. I agree that you shouldn’t just quit and we know your mum isn’t encouraging you to, she’s just supportive and there for you. I know that sounds so bitter but hey ho, what can ya do? Besides, I’m doing photography yes, you’re doing a whole journalistic course my man, stick it out. Get the life you want to live, can we skip the rest of this deep shit now, pretty please. *flutters lashes at you*

“Is that Lija?” Noah asks as he drops his bag down on the table and gives me a sweet kiss.

“Yeah, he’s just bitching about Uni life,” I say with a smirk and a squeal slips out as he pulls me into his arms and spins me around.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” I ask, throwing my head back and laughing.

“I heard from my dad today, he thinks it’ll be okay for me to go back and visit while you’re away,” I can see the relief in his entire being and I’m beyond happy for him.

“Does this mean you’re finally ready to tell me what went down between you guys? You never talk about it and I didn’t want to push,” I say, flicking the kettle on and getting all the fixings for a sugar overload in a mug.

“Okay, you make your special chocolate and we’ll go sit in the garden, I feel like being one with nature today,” he drops a kiss on my head before going into the garden and this kettle cannot boil fast enough.

I SET our hot chocolates down on the table we have in the garden, all with whipped cream, marshmallows, shavings and flakes. Yeah, nothing healthy about this.

I sit down beside him and he wastes no time in wrapping his arm around me and pulling me into his lap.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I say as I feel him sigh deeply into my hair, I didn’t mean to push him into it.

“I know that my love, but I want to,” he sighs again as he starts running his fingers through my hair and I can’t deny the contentment that’s filling me. “I went home after we finished school and mum was getting worse, shaking more and being more forgetful than usual. We knew it was coming but it didn’t make it any easier, anyway I jumped straight in and helped anywhere I could. Making meals, helping her to eat and drink when her shaking got too severe for her to hold her own cutlery,” he’s pressing his head against mine and I can hear the anguish in his voice, I can feel it as clearly as if it were my own.

“I’d been home for over a month and we had a system going, dad wasn’t around much but I expected that, what with me being around and the carers there to help where I couldn’t,” he pauses again and I take the chance to ask him something.

“Why would your dad be around less with you there, don’t you get along?” I wonder if I sound as confused as I feel, his dad didn’t come across as uncaring in the few times he’s spoken about him.

“We get on great, our minds are so similar that we can chat for hours and never run out of things to say. It’s just, he runs his own company, and he’s always been the hands on kind of business man. But as mum has gotten worse, he had to take more and more time away from the office. With me there he could make the time up, it didn’t assuage his guilt but I think it lessened it slightly,” I can hear how much affection he has for his parents, he sounds proud and I wonder how that must feel, to be proud of your parents.