You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

Big guy: Oh, where you off to, anywhere exciting? You know, just in case the impulse to visit this fascinating place of yours occurs.

Me: Going up to Norwich, the girls have a gig and I may be joining in. I’m not sure yet, I just need an excuse to get away and if that means imposing a week early then so be it.

Big guy: Why don’t you impose on me instead?

Me:...

I nearly drop my phone as Elijah’s face pops up on the screen, texting is so much easier.

“Hey,” I sound so lame right now. Face meet palm.

“Seriously, come see me. I’ve got some free time coming up anyway and I live off campus so no one will bother us. There is even a spare room for you and a sofa bed for that Sawyer guy. I’d love for you to come and see me, please don’t say no.”

“I don’t know Eli, won’t it be weird?” I ask, my hesitation clearly for all to hear.

“Only if we let it, we’re still us Hen and clearly something has gone down if you’re suddenly eager to get away. Nothing has to happen between us you know, we can just be together. Come on Hen, what do you say?” There’s so much hope in his voice but I can also hear the uncertainty. He thinks I’ll say no and honestly, I am tempted to turn him down.

“She’ll do it.”

“What?” I ask dumbfounded, as I turn to look at Noah. I hadn’t even heard him come in.

“Go and spend some time with Lija and I’ll make sure Harrison sorts his act out before you get back. We both know you want him to join the fold eventually, so what’s stopping you?” He asks and my cheeks are burning from the knowledge that Eli can hear all of this.

“I’m terrified,” I whisper and Noah is wrapping me within his arms in seconds.

“I think we all are, but being scared isn’t always a bad thing. It means you care enough to fear it going wrong, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t risk it for something that could be incredible and amazing. Just like you,” he drops a kiss upon my head before pulling away.

“Look after her Lija,” he gives me one last squeeze before leaving the room and closes the door behind him.

“Okay Eli, I’m coming.”

“HAVE YOU GOT EVERYTHING?” Noah asks as he loads my suitcase and overnight bag into my car. Along with my guitar, just in case.

“It’s only going to be for a couple of weeks, you won’t even notice I’ve gone,” I say as I brush my mouth over his.

“That’s impossible, even more so with Harrison sulking. Just go and have some fun and relax and know that we’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”

“Are you still going back to your dad’s?” I ask as we hold each other as though it’s the last time. Why would I even think something like that? It’s not the last time.

“Yeah I’m setting off tomorrow but I’m only going for a few days, and he’ll be at work most of the time so he shouldn’t get in too much trouble while I’m gone,” he says hopefully and I can’t help but cross my fingers that he’s right. H is a wildcard when he’s pissed off.

“He had another bad dream last night, they only seem to happen when I’m not there with him,” it comes out quietly and riddled in guilt.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t help it, knowing that I’m leaving him to face his demons alone. Then again, I wouldn’t be leaving if he had only trusted me. It’s not like I’m leaving him for good but he needs to work out if he can trust me, because without trust, there can be no us.

1ST JULY 2009

I spent the night with Damon and it’s only sealed our fate, I need to be with him but I’m in a really fucking precarious position right now. Mr. Dickhead, AKA Devon’s dad has ordered me to do something, and he doesn’t want Devon to know. Three guesses why that is, but I only need one. Devon won’t be happy that he’s getting me to do this, but what am I supposed to do, I can’t turn him down. He made the point of letting me know that I’m the only one who is allowed to do this clean, if he sends someone else it won’t be as nice. Henleigh could even be placed in the line of fire, he made sure to let me know it would only be an ‘accident’ as if I believe that!

This is so fucked up, why I even waste my time writing in this poxy thing I have no idea. It isn’t going to help, but who else can I turn to? How pathetic is this, I have brothers who I would die for and I can’t even tell them what’s going on? Although, maybe that isn’t exactly true. I can’t tell Damon, my heart tells me to trust him but there’s still that little voice that tells me he’s a Shaw and I need to be careful. As long as Hen is my responsibility, I can’t take any risks. I’m a piece of shit but I’m all she has and I’m better than the parents we’ve been lumbered with.

So, I can’t talk to him but I could talk to Asher. He’s a part of all this but he’s also an outsider. I don’t know why, but he only answers to Devon, I guess he was smarter than me. Then again, that isn’t a surprise. I rarely listen to my head, nope I let my heart rule my decisions, words and actions. It gets me in deep shit it's who I am, my greatest flaw and more than likely it will get me killed one day.

It’s the price I have to be willing to pay I guess, but I plan on having many more years with my sweet, sweet sister and hopefully with the guy who is slowly stealing my heart. Although he can only ever have part of it, my sister will always own the rest, the only girl who ever will.

Okay, I know what I will do now. I’m going to speak to Asher, if anyone will know what to do it will be him. Maybe he can lend me his brain and help me get out of this godforsaken mess I’ve landed myself in.

11TH JULY 2009