You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“Maybe you can take me back to see them again one day,” I say quietly and his face goes from shock to ecstatic in no time.

“I’d love that,” he says with a soft smile and he’s looking at me as though I just told him he won a million quid.

“Okay... I’m going to put my stuff away, see you downstairs in a sec?” I sound so awkward but this is a strange arse situation and I need a few minutes to find my composure.

“No worries, take your time Hen,” he doesn’t take his eyes from me as he moves in closer and drops a soft kiss on my cheek.

Lightning shoots up my spine at the contact and I’m starting to realise that although some things still trigger me, the more comfortable I feel with someone, the easier it is. Elijah can make me so mad and irritate me to no end, but I do feel comfortable with him.

Closing the door behind me I unpack my bag and my eyes can’t help but fall to the Journal. I really shouldn’t read it now, after what I read in the car I think I need to take a break from prying into El’s past. Only my heart isn’t listening as I hold it within my hands and open it up to the next page.

20TH JULY 2009

I did it, spied on my parents and gave all the information to Dickhead, he made sure to remind me not to let Dev know. Only Asher won’t let me stick to that, if I don’t tell Dev, then he will. Only, his dad would know I spilled the beans and I’m worried about what could happen, I’m really starting to regret my decision to join the ‘club’ although the way he runs it, it’s a fucking gang. How does no one see this? Just because the Black Hearts are a legitimate bikers club, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s a front, just like the bar and club they own. I know full well most of their money comes from the stuff that no one talks about.

I mean come on, when I turn eighteen they’re going to give me a tattoo to show I’m a member, it will stop low life thugs from starting on me. Only if I mess up, it gets removed and the style of removal varies depending on Dickhead’s mood.

No, I can’t let that happen, I’m getting the fuck out of this place. I’ve got a fair bit of money saved up, just two more jobs and we’ll be good to go. I’ll miss my brothers but loss is inevitable. Better to run than one day watch them die, that’s what will happen. This gang is for life and their enemies aren’t to be messed with. If you don’t run, you’ll die, maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will happen. It won’t always be collateral damage or at the enemies hands either.

I’m sorry Devon, I love you man but I won’t die for your dad’s cause. I hope you won’t either.

Fuck it, I’ll send him a text in a bit and ask him to meet me tomorrow, as for tonight I’m going to see Damon. I’ll wait until Hen is asleep and I think I’ll lock her door just to be extra safe, then I’m out of here.

PIXIE: Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business but... is everything okay? Harrison is being a right grump and he won’t tell me anything other than he fucked up and you left. Again tell me to shove off and I won’t be offended. Miss you, plus you’d be so proud I haven’t punched anyone for two whole days. I am clearly growing as a person.

I can’t help but laugh at that, fuck me Ivy you are a character and a half. Maybe she should stay out of it, but I haven’t got the heart to tell her to mind her own business. She risked herself for me and I still don’t know why?

Me: He doesn’t trust me, he came home and found me and Scott on the sofa and you could see him jumping to all kinds of conclusions. Until he found out that Scott was gay and then everything was hunky dory, doesn’t work like that. He has to be able to trust me for this to work, I know it isn’t easy but surely he knows I’m not going to bring a guy home. We had this conversation not that long ago, and I thought he accepted it. Guess I was wrong. As for the other thing, girl I am so proud. If you last an entire week, I'll bring you a cookie.

Pixie: What a moron, don’t worry I’ll sort him out. And if I make it a week, I should get a whole pack of cookies, you tight arse. So I was going to come down and see you but seeing as you’ve left, I won’t bother oh woe is me. *wondering if this act is working on you yet*

Me: Not really, all I can feel is the endless sarcasm lol. I had to get away, but it ain’t so bad. I’m spending some time with Elijah and I think we’ll see if we can make something work between us. I’m scared but I think for once, I’m not going to run from it. I guess there really are good kinds of fear, about time I started to experience them myself.

Pixie: Please don’t ignore me after I say this but, Amias has been asking after you. I haven’t said anything to him but... he misses you and I know he hates himself for what he did. I’m not saying forgive him, I just thought I’d let you know. And girl if you are with Elijah then you are not that far from me. He better be prepared to share you... out of context that sounds so bad.

Speaking of Elijah, I should get back downstairs and spend some time with him. I knew the journal would only distract me but I couldn’t resist its call and I love that he’s given me my space. Although I do wonder why he hasn’t come up yet, did I want him to?

I think the hard part is, back at Padstow before everything went wrong, Eli was always up in my space and definitely touchy feely. I respect the hell out of him for controlling himself but I don’t know if I want him to, he shouldn’t have to change himself because of t

he way I am. I want to get better, not drag them down along with me.

“Come on Hen, I’m not getting any younger,” I hear him shout from downstairs, I’m smiling at it but it isn’t easing this unsettled feeling that is taking root within me.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I shout back, descending the stairs and making my way into the living room.

He’s sprawled out on the sofa, flicking aimlessly through the shows on Netflix. His eyes give me a quick once over before returning to the tv, okay then.

“So, what’s the plan?” I ask hesitantly, why is his attitude bothering me so much. Was I expecting him to be excited that I am here? I mean, I am running away from one guy to another, how can I or even why should I expect anything?

“I thought we could just chill for today, I mean you did just get here and you spent quite a bit of time upstairs. I gathered you were tired or something,” he says but he isn’t looking at me and I really want to throw something at him.

“Sure, okay,” I move into the room and claim the recliner, folding my legs underneath me.

Five, four, three, two, one…

“Have you changed your mind or something?” I tried so hard not to ask anything but I can’t hold it back any longer. Okay, maybe I didn’t try that hard.

He sits up slowly, his eyebrows drawn down and he looks thoroughly confused.