You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“Huh, you’ve lost me,” he says and the confusion in his voice is genuine.

“Do you want me to go or have you decided it’s better if we stay friends?” My voice is getting quieter with each word I say.

“What are you going on about? Am I missing something here because this isn’t making a damn bit of sense to me,” he says as he gets to his feet and comes closer to me.

“Okay, so usually when you invite someone to come and stay you make them feel welcome,” I bite out, crossing my arms over my chest and I just stare over his shoulder.

“Hang on, what have I done to make you feel unwelcome. I don’t understand what’s gotten into you.”

“You aren’t talking to me, you lay on the sofa flicking through crap and I don’t know what to do. Sure, now that I’m saying it out loud, it sounds ridiculous but you’re being different with me and I don’t like it,” I feel and sound pathetic but I can’t seem to stop it.

He crouches down in front of me and I can tell by the way he moves his hands that he wants to take mine, but he doesn’t. I do however, hold myself tighter and brace myself against the chill that is consuming me right now.

“I don’t know how to be around you Hen, I know how I want to act and what I want to do but I don’t know if it will affect you. Honestly, I couldn’t wait for you to get here but it’s harder than I thought. Actually…” he trails off as he gets up and leaves the room, what the fuck? I mean sure say all that stuff and then just walk away, thanks mate.

My phone is going off in my pocket, but I don’t see any point in checking it. Noah isn’t going to be calling me until tomorrow and I doubt it will be Harrison. Although, what if it’s important?

Tough guy: There’s no awkwardness when we text and I’m not saying we’ll spend the next week like this but... I think it will be easier for me to say what I need to, if I do it like this. Think you can humour me for a minute?

I hear a throat clearing and I glance away from my phone to see him standing in the doorway, looking at me with the most intense look I have ever seen coming from him.

“Go for it,” I say, he can text, but there’s no point in me doing it. He shakes his head, with a small smile forming on his mouth as he stays in the doorway and returns to his phone.

I guess he’s either writing an essay or he’s slow at texting because nothing comes through, for at least five minutes.

Tough guy: Okay, so I’m going to be completely honest and you can choose to ignore or brush over any part you don’t like or aren’t ready for. Either way, I’m saying it so it’s out in the open and you can get this ridiculous notion that I don’t want you here or that I only want friendship, from your pretty little head. Henleigh, every time I see you all I want to do is pull you into my arms and kiss you senseless and make it so you can’t think about anything other than what my mouth is doing. All innocent I swear.

I can’t hold back my choked laughter that is taking me over as I look up at him and he’s just standing there, staring right at me.

The thing is, I’m a touchy feely guy and I want to be able to touch you but I know you don't want that. I also know we’re taking things slow, but I can’t even hug you or hold your hand and it’s hard for me. I wasn’t expecting us to brush everything under the rug because you’re here now and I’m willing to go as slow as you need, but I have to be honest and this is all a part of it. So yeah, I have no idea how to act right now and I feel awkward as fuck. I want to be myself, but what if it makes you uncomfortable or hurts you? I don’t want to do that to you, I lost you once, I won’t risk it again. I…

“I love you.”

The only words he didn’t write down and his voice is so soft that it’s like a melody and a shiver travels down my spine, as I look up at him. He hasn’t moved an inch but his eyes are shining and I can see his hands trembling, just a little.

Standing up, I have no idea what to do or say. I’m not ready to go there with him yet, but I do love him and it feels wrong not to say it back. I move closer until I’m only a hair's breadth away from him and I close my eyes as I hold my hand out. I soon feel the stumble on his cheeks grazing across my fingertips and my eyes flutter open. He’s so close I can feel his breath brushing across my face and the way his face is leaning into my hand makes my heart melt just a little.

“Elijah, I love you too,” it falls out easily with no hesitation and his smile is blinding. “I don’t want you to act differently with me and I’ll let you know if anything is too much. I still want to go slow with you, but you need to know that the way you are feeling isn’t one-sided,” I brush my fingers down his cheek before pulling away and smiling gently.

“Okay, I’ll be me,” he says as he grabs my hand and pulls me across the room and down onto the sofa. My heart races but it's manageable as he flicks a horror movie on and we sit together, we’re not touching but I feel close to him and I’m happy.

“RIGHT I’M STARVING, time for dinner,” he suddenly says as he stands up before stretching his arms above his head. My traitorous eyes won’t move away from the flash of skin that I can see as the hem of his top rises up.

“Hey, my face is up here,” he says with a grin and he winks as I finally drag my eyes up to meet his.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck and I can feel my cheeks heating under the blush that is no doubt travelling across my face and down my neck. I wet my dry lips and his eyes follow the movement as I stand up and he steps closer.

I’m looking right at him, as he suddenly steps back and laughs nervously before disappearing into the hallway and I jog to catch up to him.

“What are you hungry for?” He asks, as he rummages around in the fridge.

You. I can’t say that, but part of me wants to. I think food is a great idea and it should distract me long enough for my hormones to settle down.

“Anything you feel like giving me,” I reply and he looks at me slowly as I start laughing, oh yeah I know how that sounded.

“Careful what you say Hen,” he says thickly as his eyes darken and I can’t help but grip onto the surface for stability as my knees go weak.

“Pizza,” it just comes out, and he laughs softly as he pulls out the ingredients and I can’t believe he’s going to make it. I thought he'd be ordering a take away, I didn’t even know he could cook.