You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

I HAVE no idea what Ivy is getting done, but she’s been in there for ages. I’m just sitting here flicking through the tattoo magazines and watching Sawyer as he talks about adding a tattoo to his chest. The guy always wears sleeves, I didn’t even know he had a tattoo.

My head is back in the magazine when I hear his voice. No, no, no. Please tell me I’m hearing things, but I know I’m not by the way Sawyer suddenly goes ramrod straight and turns around to stare him down.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, his voice this dark, foreboding sound that I never would have thought could come from him. It’s like lightning striking in a park full of trees, you know you should run for cover and get away from the danger, but you just can’t look away.

“I’m here for a tattoo,” his dark tone sets my skin ablaze, damn it Amias, why did you have to show up right now?

“Yeah, yeah likely story,” Sawyer bites out as he folds his arms across his chest and Amias wastes no time in copying the move.

I’m so glad his back is to me, hopefully this is just a coincidence, and he doesn’t even know I’m here. Although, when have I ever been that lucky?

“What are you doing here Saw, I heard you were down in Cornwall?” The underlying question is loud and clear, he knows where Sawyer has been which means, he knows I’m here or at least in Cambridge.

“Tasks change, you should know that better than anyone,” Sawyer replies and I see the flinch that takes over Amias, good serves him right.

“If you really knew Henleigh then you would know she is so much more than a task, she’s…” Sawyer’s hand is suddenly over his mouth and they’re gaining some very strange looks from the guy sitting behind the desk.

“I’d stop right there if I were you, for old times sake,” Sawyer cuts him off and I’m glad he does.

His eyes flick to me, the traitorous bastard and Amias just stops. He doesn’t move, he just stands there with his back straight until Sawyer pulls his hand away and he slowly turns around to look at me.

“Little cub,” his voice is filled with awe and there’s a softness that I’ve never heard before, but I can’t let it affect me.

“I’m going to wait outside Sawyer, I’ll make sure I stay in your line of sight,” I say, completely ignoring Amias before shouldering my way outside the door and stepping into the icy winter air.

I hear the bell above the door ring as the door is opened behind me and I turn around before he can get any notion of trying to reach for me. My eyes lock onto his, pain meets pain. There’s also a hardness in my stare that I know he’s never seen before. I need to be hard right now, anything less and I’ll fall into him and I know this time, I won’t stop.

“I heard you were here, but I didn’t believe it,” he says, he starts to walk closer but he must see something in the look on my face as he comes up short and shoves his hands into his pockets. He starts rocking back and forth on his heels and I’ve never seen him this nervous before.

“Who told you?” I ask and I can certainly give him a run for his money with the layer of ice that follows my words.

“Someone from Devon’s people, for some reason a few of them still like me and let me know that you’re okay. I won’t tell you who, I’d rather they don’t get punished for it,” he replies, still staring at the ground.

“I wouldn’t let that happen, I don’t enjoy causing suffering in others,” I say coldly, but his flinch doesn’t make me feel good, it just adds to the suffering that I’m already feeling at seeing him again.

His eyes run over me and stop at the cling film wrapped around my arm, I see the surprise register on his face before it's replaced with a blank mask.

“You got a tattoo.”

“You should find a job with those impressive observational skills,” I retort, my tongue dripping sarcasm like it's honey.

“Henleigh,” it falls out on a sigh and it's full of his frustration, how did he expect me to react? Was I supposed to be happy about seeing him? How do I feel now that I’m looking at him?

“Are you over me Henleigh, did I destroy everything that was between us so thoroughly that you can never forgive me? Is it really over between us, for good?” He sounds fearful but I can also hear the waiver of hope that I may still harbour a semblance of positivity towards him, that I may still want him.

“What did you think would happen? That I would never find out and we could live happily ever after until Devon reappeared and pulled the rug out from under us. Because I was always going to find out Amias, but I don’t think you ever planned on telling me yourself. How can I be with someone that could trick me so thoroughly? How can you expect me to believe anything you say? As far as I know, it was all a trick. I was a job to you and that’s it,” I shout, my heart racing as the anger floods my bloodstream and heats me like its magma.

“Henleigh, it was all real for me. I am not that good of an actor, I was never supposed to kiss you or touch you. I was supposed to keep an eye on you, be a friend if I had to be and that was it. I was under strict instructions to never get too close, but I couldn’t stop myself,” he drags his fingers through his hair before closing the distance between us. He doesn’t touch me, but he’s close enough that he could if he wanted to, I want to move away but it would only be showing him weakness and I can’t do that. “I fell for you and I was always going to, don’t you see that. You are incredible, who wouldn’t fall in love with you given half the chance. I know you loved me, can you really say it's gone? And if you can’t, can you ignore it? And what about the others, especially Harrison, you can forgive him but not me?” He’s got this steely resolve in his eyes and it's screaming at me that he’ll never let me go, the funny thing is, it isn’t his decision. I also do not appreciate the condescending way he speaks about Harrison and I won’t stand for that.

“It doesn’t matter,” he rolls his eyes at my words but it won’t stop me from saying the rest. “Because although love may be this great and powerful thing, it’s also a weakness. That’s why I stayed with you even after knowing what you did. Because I loved you and that love made me weak, loving you near enough destroyed me Amias. But they don’t, Noah, Harrison, even Elijah. They make me strong and fill me with courage and a strength I never thought I’d possess, do you honestly believe you could have the same effect on me? Because I don’t think it’s even worth us having this conversation, if you can’t say yes.” I won’t take my eyes from him and he can’t say anything, I can see his struggle to find the right words and that’s how I know he isn’t worth the pain. He won’t say what’s on his mind and I don’t need pretty words that need thought and time before I can hear them.

“Is everything okay out here?” I glance over Amias’ shoulder to see Ivy standing in the doorway and her eyes narrow at the way he’s standing over me. He isn’t meaning to be intimidating, it's just the way he is and to be fair, he isn’t intimidating me.

“It’s fine Pixie, in fact I think I’m ready to go grab a bite to eat,” I reply with an easy smile and she gives me one last look before ducking back inside to retrieve Sawyer. I’ll be surprised if he has any teeth left by the way he’s been grinding them, as he watched us from the window. I’m glad he gave us space though, it was easier without an audience.

They come out and he still hasn’t said a thing to me, I shake my head at hi

m before stepping away and walking around him. Although I do have one last thing to say, I may not enjoy causing suffering, but sometimes the truth has to be said even if it will hurt.