You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“I may still love you Amias, I mean of course I do. That level of feeling doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I wish it will, but it doesn’t matter. Loving you is a weakness I don’t need in my life and do you know why it’s a weakness for me?” He shakes his head, his eyes imploring me for something that I cannot give. “Because you aren’t strong enough to speak your mind without a second thought, you say what you think I want to hear and I can’t trust that. You’re calculating and you're cruel, someone who enjoys causing suffering in others. I would have loved you fully and completely without asking for anything more than honesty and your love in return, but none of that means anything when it comes from you. You don’t deserve me and I do deserve better.” My voice is strong, even though I’m breaking inside. I feel like an avalanche is working its way down to me and I will soon be buried under the debris, never to see the light of day again.

I turn around and join up with Ivy and Sawyer, my heart breaking and my tattoo itching and not only because it’s a new wound. It itches because of what it represents and I hate myself for what I just said to Amias. If I could take it back, I think I would but instead I’m going to carry on walking and pretend the tears running down my face are nothing more than raindrops from the sky. If I pretend I’m not breaking, then maybe it will stop feeling as though I am. He deserved every word I said, at least I think he did. I roll my shoulders back and my breathing falters as Ivy slips her hand into mine and lends me her strength. I almost stop breathing when Sawyer wraps his arm around my shoulders and rubs the top of my arm. My family is so fucked up, but it's what they are. It just took this long for me to realise that they were included within it, they’re more than just friends or bodyguards, they are my family and I’ll make sure they know that by the time everything's said and done.

“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE OKAY?” Ivy asks for the umpteenth time.

“Yeah, I just didn’t realise how much anger and pain I’d feel at seeing him again,” I say as I rub at my arm causing her to slap my hand away.

“Are you going to tell me what you got?” She asks with a perfectly raised eyebrow, how does she instil so much attitude into that one move.

“Nope, but once I take the wraps off, I’ll send you a picture,” I say with a wag of my eyebrows and her eyes narrow at my refusal.

“Fine, then I won’t show you mine,” she says with her arms folded across her chest, but I know she will. She's really excited about it.

“Whatever you say my angry little pixie,” if it’s possible I think her eyes have narrowed further, I’m surprised she can still see anything.

“You know me so well,” she turns around and lifts the back of her top to show me her back, it’s of a Phoenix rising up from the ashes. It’s incredible and I’m in awe.

“It’s taken three sittings to get this bad boy finished and I’m beyond happy by the way it’s turned out,” I can hear her happiness in her voice and its shining from her eyes as bright as the sun on a cloudless day.

“What does it represent?” I ask, beyond dying to know.

“My life and all the crap I’ve endured to get to where I am. Rebecca for finding what she truly wanted in the wake of destruction,” she doesn’t look at me as she says that part. “Harrison for overcoming his injury and finally telling his bastard of a father where to go and you. If you look closely you’ll see I mean it as well,” there’s an edge to her voice, is she worried?

I lean closer and see the flames haloing its head and written in the flames are the names of the four people she mentioned. Well blow me, I was not expecting that.

“You didn’t have to do that Ivy, putting my name on your skin is a huge deal,” I point out, I don’t think I’m handling this very well.

“Why is it? Even if we’re no longer talking in five, ten years. It won’t change the way that you made me want to be better, I’ll always love you for that. Besides, you deserve to be there and it’s my back and I’ll do what I want,” the last part has a bite to it and I can’t argue with her. People really do have the strangest ways of surprising you.

MY NUMBNESS HAS WORN off and I no longer feel like I’m going through a complete emotional overload. I’m just glad to be back at Elijah’s but I have no idea where he’s gone. Sawyer is watching some crap on the telly and I’m just sitting here in my room, debating whether I can handle anymore revelations today.

I feel as though I have to get to the end of his Journal, but I’m not enjoying it. I don’t feel as though I’m close to him, all I’m discovering is how little I really knew him. He was living a completely different life and the way he talks about our parents is eye opening. I know mum got bad after El died, but from what he writes, she was so far down the rabbit hole even the sun couldn’t light her way anymore. Then again the biggest shock is dad, he closed himself off sure, but I never would have accused him of being unethical.

“Hen,” I hear being called from downstairs and I know it’s Elijah, my palms feel clammy as it sinks in what I’m about to do.

I leave the room quickly and practically skip down the stairs, I wasn’t expecting him to be waiting at the bottom and I can't get this ridiculous smile off my face.

“Hey beautiful, how was your day?” He asks and his eyes are skimming me over before returning to mine.

“It was good, Ivy is coming round again tomorrow but she’s promised to leave us to it afterwards,” I say, my smile refusing to go or even dim a little.

“Sounds good to me, and I’m glad you’ve had fun,” he says and I can see his fingers flexing and I know he wants to reach out to me, but he’s holding himself in check.

“Ivy has this theory regarding people being able to touch me and if you’re willing,” I take a deep breath in, my heart slamming against my rib cage as my nerves set in. “Would you help me figure out if she’s onto something?” I ask quietly, my eyes darting around as I wait for his answer.

“Of course, anything for you Hen. What do you need me to do?” He asks, his tone soft and almost soothing.

“Will you touch me and I know how that sounds but I don’t mean sexually, I swear,” my words rushing out of me in one jumbled stream.

“Hey, calm down. If that’s what you need then of course,” he says as he steps closer and moves a hand from his side and brings it up to my face.

He isn’t touching me yet, but I swear I can feel it as it ghosts across my cheek. My eyes flutter closed as his hand makes contact and his thumb brushes across my skin and I can feel his other hand resting on my hip. He moves his fingers, kneading my flesh and I think I’m ready to open my eyes because I know nothing is going to happen. Ivy was right, I trust Elijah, and he isn’t causing anything bad to arise within me. My eyes flutter open just as his mouth presses against mine. It’s soft and fleeting but the taste of him sends electricity shooting down my spine and I lean forward as he pulls away.

“Sorry, well actually I’m not sorry at all,” he says with a wink and a devilish grin. “I just couldn’t help myself,” his thumb brushes across my cheek once more before he steps back but the smile hasn’t fallen at all.

“Elijah,” I breathe out and I don’t know what I’m doing as I step forward, cup my hand behind his neck and pull his mouth down to mine.

What are you doing? You’re supposed to be taking things slow. I hate my inner voice and she can jog on if she thinks I’m going to be listening right now.