I tossed the picture on the chair as I started up the stairs. I followed the sound of Hailey crying and found her curled up in our bed. She was shaking underneath the covers as I sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to disturb her as she took her moment. If it hadn’t been clear to me before, it was now. Hailey was overly emotional, and I needed to get to the root of it now.
“I’m not cheating on you,” I said.
“Not like you can prove it,” Hailey said.
“I don’t know why Laura showed up today, but I’m willing to track her down and chew her out. What she did to you was wrong. What she made you believe was wrong. And those things she said to you? I would never hit a woman, but I’m prepared to do it now,” I said.
“She knew so much about you,” she said.
“And I have a feeling as to where she got the information,” I said.
“She was so beautiful.”
“Not nearly as beautiful as you,” I said.
“Cut the shit, Bryan,” she said. “You should hate me, and you know it. I don’t know why you don’t.”
“You are not going to talk to me like that. You know damn good and well that I love you and only you. And you know all the reasons why. It’s your stubborn head that won’t allow yourself to believe it because our lives are changing too fast. But now? It’s time to act like adults.”
I saw Hailey’s shoulders tremble with her breaths as she lay there. Silent and steadfast. She was trying to keep up her anger. She was trying to be angry with me. And I wasn’t sure why, but I was trying not to question it. Maybe being angry was better than what was really going on. Maybe being angry was a way to displace whatever metaphorical guilt she was still concocting in her head. But it needed to stop.
And it needed to stop now.
“Hailey,” I said as I scooted closer, “something’s very wrong. And I know it’s not the baby, and I know it’s not about my mother. Something has happened.”
“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because I’ve done this twice with you already. I’ve done the whole ‘you keeping a secret from me to protect’ me shindig twice. And I understand your train of thought, but look where it’s gotten us. You’re throwing things at me, and I almost stormed off and left. It’s time to start working on this. Because we might be okay now, but in a few years when we’ve gone through this rodeo a few more times, we aren’t going to be.”
“You’re saying you’ll leave,” she said.
“I’m saying it’ll strain us to a point where we will change in one another’s eyes. And I love you enough to tell you the hard truth now to spare us a divorce later,” I said.
I watched as Hailey shifted around in bed. When she turned toward me, my heart sank. Her eyes were so swollen with tears and frustration that they were almost closed. Her nose was red, and her cheeks were chapped. She turned over on her side as her stomach rolled with movement, our child using her as a battering ram. The pain washed over her face, and I instantly slid over to her, massaging her stomach as she sighed.
“Thanks,” she said with a murmur.
“You’re welcome,” I said.
I massaged her stomach as her eyes fluttered closed. This conversation wasn’t over, but she needed to settle down to have it. I watched the anger and resentment drain from her face, and replaced with it was the exhaustion I knew she felt deep in her bones. I massaged up her sides and gripped onto her hips, trying to provide her some relief. She was getting bigger by the day, and I loved it, but I knew it was one of the many things that was stressing her out so badly.
“Something else is going on, and I need you to tell me,” I said.
“I can’t,” Hailey said.
“At least you admit it. You’re being extra emotional, and it’s detrimental to our child.”
“It’s not just our child being affected, Bryan,” she said.
“But that is a figure you have to take into account. If I could take this pregnancy from you and carry this child on my own, I would. But I can’t. The only thing I can do is help you to settle down so you and this child are healthy. But I can’t help you if you don’t let me in. And if you don’t want to do it willingly, then we’re going to lie here, or I’m going to call us a psychologist so we can go talk to someone. This is a very serious kink in our relationship, and it needs to get sorted out.”
“I’m not crazy, Bryan.”
“No, but you’re convinced I’m eventually going to leave you like everyone else. So you keep up a fortress to keep me out so it hurts less later. But that fortress you have up is going to be the one thing that rifts us more than anything. You’re creating your own worst nightmare, and I’m trying to stop that from happening.”
Her eyes fluttered up to mine, and I could see a pain behind them, an aching pain I’d only ever seen once before. It was the first fight we’d ever had, when her past with John had come to light. I could still remember what she’d looked like the moment I backed away from her shed. When she tried to reach out for me, and I continued to backtrack.
That was the moment in our history that set precedence. That set an expectation that I would walk away from her. This wasn’t her fault. Her keeping things from me wasn’t solely on her. I had responsibility in it too. I was as much at fault for this as she was, and I had to own up and take responsibility for that.