“You’re not just another in a string of floozies,” I said, more to convince myself of it than her. No, she was different than all that. Different than anyone I had ever had before. Couldn’t she see that? I didn’t know how to explain it to her, though. I didn’t know how to tell her that I never brought women back there with me; I didn’t know how to explain to her that she was special.
Because as much as I wanted her, I understood what she was saying. She couldn’t be mine. And I had to live with that. I had to let her go, if that was what she wanted. Regardless of what I might want. Regardless of how much it hurt.
Abby sighed. “It doesn’t matter if I’m not just some floozy to you,” she said. “I’m afraid of what I saw last night.”
“The paparazzi?” I asked. “Or Gerrard? I know it seems like he’s angry with you, but you have to understand that it’s just to do with me. He just wants revenge or whatever. I’ll make sure he never touches you again.”
“That’s not it,” Abby said. “The violence. Watching you beat him up like...” She trailed off. “Just, I don’t know if I can deal with that. If I can handle that. It was scary, Daniel.”
I was quiet for a long moment. Of course that was what this really came back to. In my head, I could still hear her pleading with me to stop, and I wished I had just listened to her. I wished I had proven to her that I wasn’t just like any other guy, that I knew when to stop. But at the same time, I knew that Gerrard deserved every hit he had taken. I knew that he deserved worse for fucking things up between me and Abby. We had been having a great night until he showed up.
Now Abby was sure that she couldn’t be anything more to me. That we needed to take a step back, to remember the fact that she was just my employee. I hated Gerrard for that. Even though I recognized that it was all my own fault.
When had everything gotten so confusing?
“I never wanted you to see that side of me,” I said in a low voice to Abby. “You have to believe that I would never hurt you. That I wouldn’t ever even dream of it.”
Abby sighed. “I believe that,” she said, but there was something in her eyes that wasn’t so sure. She had to be rethinking everything she had ever thought about me before. She had been so sure that I wasn’t just like the man the tabloids made me out to be, but what was she thinking now? I had gone and proved that I was exactly like they said.
I hated that about myself, more than anything else.
“The trouble is, I have seen that side of you,”
Abby continued. “And now that I’ve seen it, I can’t unsee it.” She paused, looking away from me. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But this is how it has to be. This is what’s best for both of us.”
“Are you going to keep working for me?” I finally managed to ask. But honestly, I didn’t hold out much hope.
Abby looked back at me. “I don’t know just yet,” she said honestly. “I want to, but I have to think things through. I have to do what’s best for me.”
“Of course you do,” I said. I cleared my throat, looking down at the ground between us. It was only a foot or two, but it suddenly seemed like such an immense gap, a space I could never cross. “For what it’s worth, all I want is the best for you.” More than she could ever possibly understand.
Abby stared at me for a long moment, her face softening slightly. “I want the same for you,” she told me. “All the best. I just don’t know what that is yet.”
I nodded, and it seemed like that was all there was to say. She lingered there for another moment, and I kept waiting for her to say something else. I kept waiting for myself to say something, to betray my real feelings for her. To tell her that I loved her, that I wanted to work things out, that, I don’t know, things didn’t have to be this way.
But neither of us said anything, and after a long moment, she left.
I stood in the doorway, watching as she disappeared in a cab down the long and winding driveway. Then, I finally closed the door, hanging my head.
Here I was. Right back where I had started. A man whose name was known by everyone in the city, but a man who came home to the same empty house every damned night.
A man who was completely alone.
And maybe that was how it was meant to be. But for one moment, there had been a glimmer of something else, a possibility of something more. I cursed myself for having lost that. But there was nothing I could do about it now.
I pressed my head against the closed door, remembering how I had leaned my forehead against hers after we’d kissed. It was selfish, but I almost hoped she wouldn’t show up back in my office on Monday. I wasn’t sure I could continue to work with her after this. That I could continue to hide my feelings for her.
But at the same time, what choice did I have? For all that she swore she was the one who had initiated that first kiss, I knew that it all came back to me in the end. I was the one who had made a move on her first, and now, I had to see this through to its very end. I wanted all the best for her, and that meant I couldn’t fire her out of hand.
That ache inside of me, I would just have to push it away. Focus on something else. What else could I possibly do?
THE END