“Because it could make things super awkward. Because it could get really challenging.”
“So what? Who cares? What story of true love ever runs smoothly?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t ever been in love before.”
“Well, maybe it’s time to put all of that behind you. Perhaps you shouldn’t be so scared.”
“Scared?” I screw up my nose. “It isn’t because I’m scared. It just isn’t right.”
“According to who? Who makes that choice?”
“I don’t know. Everyone. It’s just a fact, isn’t it? That you shouldn’t kiss where you work.”
Mom tosses her head back and laughs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. If you like this man, then you should try and understand him. Embrace him.”
“It sounds so simple when you put it like that.”
“It could be that simple, if you let it.”
Mom’s words make me think about Carter’s voicemail. Not the first one he left me when he clearly let his temper out in a drunken rage, but the second one when the booze had made him pensive instead.
“I’m sorry, Raelyn,” he said to me. “I shouldn’t have said all of those things. I had too much to drink and it made me crazy. I’m probably still a bit tipsy now. I shouldn’t be calling you again, but I wanted to say sorry. For that and for everything else. I’m a jerk, I know it. It’s just… things haven’t always been easy for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but yeah… it makes me a difficult person. And what happened between us… well, that meant something to me. More than I can express. But it still doesn’t need to be awkward. We can just act normal, like it didn’t happen, and I will stop being a jerk to you, I promise. Just… come back, please.”
I almost jumped on a train again the moment I heard those words, but I needed time to sort my head out. That combined with what Mom is saying is making me think that I can find the strength. I can go back. For my business, yes, I would never turn my back on that. Thank goodness I have had Leon to keep things going for me. But to see what’s going on with Carter too. He isn’t what he seems, there is something there, it could be good or it could be absolutely terrible I won’t know until I see. I guess I just need to work out what.
“You’re right, Mom. I do need to go back. Even if it scares me.”
“Especially if it scares you. That’s when the rewards are best.”
She goes on to tell me the story of how she met my father, and how terrified she was, but how it turned out to be the best thing in her life. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on here, but I want to find out.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I thought I was okay. I have built myself up for this moment and I assumed that I was there, but now, looking at the office I don’t think that anything could have prepared me better. My heart is pounding, my tummy is all over the place, I feel like I want to throw up everywhere. Maybe I should just go home…
My eyes flicker towards the bar across the road from the office, the bar where it’s possible Carter called me from, and I wish that I could run into it to have a drink to steady my nerves, but being drunk won’t help me. Especially not this early in the morning. I need all my faculties about me. I have to do this. No matter what.
“Oh! Hey, Raelyn.” Gary’s warm voice greets me. “You’re back.”
I force a weak smile on my face to try and greet him. “Yeah, I’m back.”
“How are things with your mom? I hope she’s doing much better.”
It takes me a second to realize what he’s talking about. I almost forgot that I said that about Mom. “Oh right, because she was sick. Of course. Yeah, she is doing much better now, thank you.”
“Good. I’m glad. And not just because we’ve all missed you. Especially Carter.”
“Carter?” I gasp, his name bringing a lump in to my throat. Shit, am I about to cry?
“Oh yeah, he’s missed you like crazy. He must be really used to having you around now because he was cranky without you here.” Gary laughs. “I mean, crankier than usual. Obviously. I know what he’s like. I see it!”
“Hmm, yeah. Well, I suppose with the changes it’s been hard on him to oversee all by himself.”
“We’ve served you well. Particularly Leon. He has been an absolute legend.”
I can’t help but smile too. “Oh, Leon is my saving grace. I’m so glad that I have him.”
“Come on in then. I can’t wait to show everyone that you’re here.”
I feel better walking in with Gary. It’s better than doing it alone. He gives me a confidence boost which gets me through the doors. It only ebbs away the moment I step inside and Carter’s eyes widen in shock to see me. He doesn’t look pleased or annoyed. Just totally blown away by my unexpected presence.