, wondering what I should do now. There isn’t really enough time to head back to the office, there won’t be any work to oversee since everyone will be about to leave, and I know that the building can be locked up fine. I could just go home, to just hang out by myself and relax for a change. I definitely don’t do that enough. I could have a shower, watch a movie, cook a nice meal… just be by myself.
But even as I think that, I know that it won’t happen. There isn’t a chance in hell. I won’t be able to relax having not seen Raelyn. I won’t be able to sleep. She often stays late at the office anyway. That’s how we keep ending up in this mess, so if there’s a chance that I can spend time with her alone, then I will.
I step into the car, smiling to myself. It might be the crazy decision but it’s the right one. Raelyn is my drug; I’m absolutely addicted to her. I need a hit no matter what it takes. This is the only choice I have.
As I drive along, I find myself singing along to the radio which almost makes me laugh. What a turn around this is. I never thought I would be happy going to see a woman again after Anna. I honestly didn’t think that it was possible, but it seems like it is. Maybe everyone was right, even my mother. Not that I’d ever tell her that.
It doesn’t take me long to get to the office, I might have been driving a bit too fast in my eagerness to get here. Thank goodness Raelyn doesn’t know that, I don’t want her to think that I’m some sort of a crazy stalker!
I narrow my eyes at the building, making a mental note of all the lights switched off. It doesn’t really look like anyone is in here at all. For once, Raelyn hasn’t stayed late. I can’t help but wonder if that means she normally stays late for me which is a deeply thrilling thought. I really hope that’s the case… even if it’s disappointing because it means I can’t see her now. I will just have to do what I can to relax until tomorrow.
Should I go inside? I ask myself. Check and be certain that she isn’t around?
No. I shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t go inside, that’s pushing it too far. That’s being weird. I can’t start acting too crazy because that’s a slippery slope. Being hurt in the past shouldn’t affect my actions now. I bring the car back to life, ready to drive away, but just before I do, I spot a glint of light in the corner of my eye.
Someone is in there! My heart skips about ten beats. I can see her. I get to see her!
I unclip my seat belt, turn the car off, and get ready to step out of the car. The excitement builds even more as I see the only person that I’m so desperate to see standing in the doorway, ready to leave. I don’t know what will happen here, she’s locking the door of the office behind her, we will be in a new territory, but that might be a good thing. It may well transform things into something new. We could do with that…
A car pulls up beside her. I was so absorbed in Raelyn that I didn’t even see it coming. She smiles. This is someone that she’s expecting. Okay, so I don’t get to spend time with her because someone else is already taking up her time. That’s fine, I can cope with that. She has a life outside of me…
Shit. It’s a man. A guy with shaggy blonde hair and a bright smile that I can see from here. It might be her brother, her friend, a man that she knows through work… this is nothing to worry about at all.
But my heart doesn’t believe any of that. It hammers against my rib cage hard that it actually hurts. My brain tries its utmost to find a rational solution, but as this asshole leans across and kisses her on the cheek, it can’t. There is something more going on here, something I don’t want to accept, never mind think about.
I bang my fist hard against the steering wheel as I watch her get into the passenger’s seat. It hurts, but not as much as the pain ripping through my chest. How am I here again? How have I ended up in this position? Falling for a woman who doesn’t give a shit about me? Who treats me as disposable? What is wrong with me?
The car pulls off with Raelyn and the man inside, and I don’t have a choice. I don’t have time to think about it, I just act. Before anything can even go through my mind, I turn the car on and I drive off to follow them. This isn’t the right course of action, and there’s a tiny voice in the back of my brain screaming that at me, but I can’t hear it. There’s a buzzing of pure unadulterated rage completely over shadowing that.
“What the fuck?” I scream out into the abyss. “What the fuck is happening?”
It’s me. It has to be. There must be something so unlovable about me. Why else would this keep happening otherwise? This isn’t normal, most people I know can have a happy relationship. It’s just me who can’t make it happen. I’m the common denominator, so there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I can’t see inside the car in front of me. I wish I could, but I can’t. I don’t know if her hand is on his leg, if she’s laughing at his jokes, if there’s any sexual chemistry. So, of course in my brain, it’s the worst. This man, whoever the hell he is, is getting a part of Raelyn that I haven’t ever had.
All I’ve had is her hateful stares, her anger, and her body. Lust. Not love.
Shit, is that the problem? Is it because it’s only ever been sex? I mean, I don’t really know anything about her, this really could be her brother. I don’t know anything about her family because I haven’t bothered to ask. I haven’t even attempted to make myself look like a decent person. This isn’t necessarily her betraying me in the way that Anna did, this is probably to be expected because I haven’t let my walls down.
I didn’t let Raelyn in. It’s only ever been sex; no wonder she’s looking elsewhere.
But does she have to do it right in front of me? Did he have to pick her up from work?
If this is a message, a game play, then I don’t want any part of it. If this is me getting what I deserve, then there isn’t really anything that I can do about it. I just wish I wasn’t in this horrible position right now.
The car eventually signals off the road and still I follow. It’s like I want to torture myself, to really know what’s going on. I keep backwards, trying not to be seen, I’m acutely aware of the fact that Raelyn might look back and recognize the car which will leave me in a whole load of trouble. But I stay close enough to see where they are going, which as it turns out they are headed towards an Italian restaurant. A nice place, not an establishment that I have ever visited, but one that’s good for a date.
Of course she hasn’t been there with me. I’m not the dating type. I didn’t realize that I might want to be the dating type until it was too late. Instead, I allowed myself to be just the taboo fuck, the mistake before she meets the love of her life. God damn it, how am I going to get over this now?
“Fucking hell.” I park on the side of the road, unable to stop watching, and I see them get out the car. Like a gentleman, he steps to her side of the car and gets her out. That makes it even worse, he actually seems like a nice guy. I haven’t been that; I’ve been a jerk. No wonder I’m here and he’s there. With her.
I’ve made a mistake. No, not just one, but lots of mistakes. With so many people, but especially with Raelyn. I hate myself for what I’ve done to her. I so desperately wish that I could run out of the car and I could tell her how I feel. But I can’t do that. There isn’t a chance in hell. She’ll freak out and never talk to me again.
I have already ruined any shot that I didn’t really have with her. I can’t wreck business as well.
I suck in a deep breath as he leans across to kiss her on the cheek as they walk inside. She actually moves away, rejecting the kiss, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m sick to my stomach, ill because she’s picked him over me and I don’t damn well blame her. I wouldn’t too. He seems nice and I’m an ass.
After a few moments, the door has closed behind them and there’s no chance of them coming back out. Unless I intend to sit here for a couple of hours until they come out, like a psycho, I need to leave. It takes every scrap of my will power to switch the car on and to pull away. Every fiber within me is pulling me backwards,