Sinful Protector (Roughshod Rollers MC 2)

“What?” I ask tiredly.

There’s a wretched look on his face. Once upon a time, right at the very beginning of our relationship, that expression might have tugged on my heartstrings. Now, I just raise an eyebrow at him, unimpressed.

“Allie… Allison,” he says, and I blink at his use of my full name; it’s been a long time since he’s used anything other than my nickname. “I just… I’m a mess. Things haven’t been right since you left, see? I’m drinking all the time, I can’t get a job…”

My mouth runs before I can stop it.

“How is that different to what you were like when we were together?” I ask.

Damnit, so much for keeping things peaceful.

His expression drops in surprise, as though he doesn’t understand how I could say something like that to him. It’s ironic, especially considering that I’ve said a lot worse to him over the course of our relationship.

Don’t keep talking, I tell myself sternly, the logical part of my mind rising up and attempting to take over. Don’t say anything else. He’s drunk, you’re drunk; just walk away.

Unfortunately, I’ve never been the greatest at listening to logic, even while sober. With alcohol flushing my system, my loose tongue begins to move before I can even think about stopping it.

“Your drinking was one of the reasons I left you,” I tell him. “You spent more time drunk than you did sober, and half our arguments started because you said something stupid while you were drinking. Then there was the fact that you couldn’t keep jobs because you went to work while you were either drunk or hungover, and you spent the entire time you were there complaining about how much you didn’t want to be there. Then there were the disgusting things you would say to me all the time, calling me a whore and a slut and bitch and anything else that entered your mind.”

“You gave as good as you got!” Jesse protests, finally finding his tongue to defend himself, though he still looks shell-shocked.

I wonder, vaguely, what will happen when his surprise wears off. I don’t think it will be anything good.

I consider what he says, however, and then nod, conceding the point. I’ve always been headstrong, and I certainly didn’t just take it when Jesse started insulting me.

“Yeah,” I admit. “I did. Sometimes I started the arguments, too.” I give him a severe look. “But hasn’t that told you anything, Jesse? We weren’t good for each other. We spent every day angry at each other, or shouting at each other, until I don’t think either of us remembered why we wanted to be together in the first place.”

Jesse opens his mouth as though to argue this, and then slams it closed again, a conflicted expression on his face. Is he actually thinking this through? Is he finally going to see what I do and realize that our relationship had always been doomed to failure?

“Jesse, once upon a time we did love each other,” I say gently with a sigh. “Maybe. We stayed together for a reason, after all. But we stayed together for too long, far longer than we should have, and we almost destroyed each other in the process. I’m not saying it’s been easy; we were together for two years, and now I have to adjust to living on my own, and so do you.”

“But…” Jesse seems lost. I try and smile at him, my fleeting anger gone; I had chosen this man a long time ago and I didn’t want to see him suffering. “I need you.”

“You don’t,” I deny. “What you need is to get back on your feet and keep moving forward. And you can do that without me.”

For a split second, I think I’ve done it. He’s staring at me, his shoulders trembling slightly. Were we really, finally, at the end of it all? Were we both on the same page, agreeing that our awful relationship should never have lasted as long as it did? Could we really walk away from this with amicability?

Then rage washes over his face and I regret hoping for even a moment.

“No,” he says. I don’t know if it’s him or the alcohol talking, but I guess it doesn’t matter; these days, they’re one and the same. “No, I don’t accept this. Things were better when you were there. I need you.”

Irritation rises in me, and, this time, I don’t even try to push it away.

“No, what you need is the money I gave you, which you squandered on drugs and alcohol,” I snap.

I’m so over this conversation. No matter what I do, Jesse isn’t going to accept the end of our relationship. Fine, I’m not going to stand here, this late at night, and try and convince him otherwise. I have a warm bed to get into, chips to eat, and classes to be up for tomorrow.

Jesse can live in his deluded world. I want no part of it anymore.

“Whatever, Jesse,” I say with a sigh, rubbing my hand over my forehead. Jesse is all but vibrating in rage in front of me, his hands clenching and unclenching. “It doesn’t matter. I left you weeks ago, for my own reasons. I’m not going back.”

A high flush steals over Jesse’s cheeks. I vaguely remember the last time he looked this angry; it was only a month before we broke up, and it had started the worst argument we had ever had. After that, I kn

ew that we were done, and I spent the next several weeks sorting my things from his, looking for a new place to live and convincing myself that I was doing the right thing for both of us.

Jesse’s fists clench and he lifts them up in a threatening manner. I eye him, bored; one thing that I can say about Jesse is that, despite the arguments and the insults and the drinking, he has never once physically harmed me. He’s knocked over lamps, kicked down tables and chairs and punched walls, but he has never turned on me. So I’m not worried, at all, as his entire body tenses. He’s no doubt going to shout for a little while and then storm away, cursing up a storm as he lets the entire world know about his displeasure.

I blink. All of a sudden, Jesse is charging at me, and I dimly note that the expression on his face, half-mad, is one I’ve never seen before. His hands are outstretched and he grabs my shoulders and pushes me back. My back hits the fence behind me with a clang that sounds terribly loud in the darkness, and I can smell the alcohol on Jesse’s breath as he leans in closer to me.