Jacqui goes silent. It isn’t true, not really, not for the reasons I’m giving her, but I want her to stop digging, already. I’ve made my decision. Her attitude just makes it harder than it has to be.
“You know I’ll support you,” Jacqui finally says. “I swear, I haven’t even messaged Kyle since you told me that you broke up. You’re my main concern.”
That makes me feel a little better. I had wondered if Jacqui and Kyle were in contact at all. I hope Kyle doesn’t feel bad that he lost both of us, since I know that he and Jacqui were getting along.
“Even if you and Kyle didn’t look compatible, I think you were,” Jacqui continues, and my stomach drops. I need her to stop talking. “Even if you don’t have anything in common, why does that matter? You and Jesse loved the same music and movies and had the same taste in food, but you guys weren’t compatible at all!”
I wince. Yes, that’s true. My excuses kind of fall flat in the face of that.
“So, talk to me, Allison, make me understand what happened,” Jacqui says. “Even if it was only brief, you seemed really happy.”
I sigh. That’s true, too. Kyle made me happy in a way I hadn’t thought possible. My heart clenches at the thought of him. What is he thinking about me now? He asked me to give him a few days, but I haven’t heard anything from him at all.
“Allison?” Jacqui asks.
“Fine,” I sigh. “I just…don’t think I’m ready for another relationship right now, Jacqui. Jesse and I were together for two years, you know. And we’ve only been broken up for several weeks. Now, when Kyle comes along, Jesse comes back in my life, too. I think it’s all too much. Especially since my relationship with Kyle started because of Jesse.”
“What do you mean?” Jacqui asks, startled.
“Every time Kyle and I had sex, it was because of Jesse,” I explained. “The first time, he had just assaulted me and I used Kyle to forget about Jesse. On that Friday night, Kyle was only there because he was worried about Jesse, and then we both got really drunk. Then, on Saturday, those photos came, and I used him again to put it out of my mind. See? Our relationship is based on me trying to forget Jesse or being too drunk to care who I’m sleeping with.”
Except last Wednesday night. But I haven’t told Jacqui about that night. I told her that we went on a date, and then I implied we went our separate ways, only for me to call Kyle in the morning and tell him that we weren’t compatible at all. That memory is something I’ll keep close. Besides, if I told her about it, she would never believe my excuses.
Jacqui has a grimace on her face.
“I never thought about it like that,” she says slowly.
“I used Kyle,” I say. It’s the truth, and I’m not proud of it. “Twice, he tried to push me away, because he thought I wasn’t dealing with what happened in a good enough way, once on the Wednesday night, the next time on the Saturday. And both times I threw myself at him and begged him for sex because I couldn’t handle what Jesse had done.”
“Wow…” Jacqui says, her eyes wide.
I scoff. “I’m surprised he agreed to even be friends with me. Or maybe he only said that because we were already talking, and he didn’t think it would be polite to refuse. Maybe now he’s just going to pretend I don’t exist.”
“I hate to say it, but that’s what I would do,” Jacqui admits. “You really put the guy through the wringer, Allison.”
I sigh and slump. “Yeah, I know.”
Suddenly, my phone chimes. We both jump, not expecting the sudden sound. It chimes twice more before falling silent.
“A message?” Jacqui asks as I pick up the phone and turn it on.
My eyes widen. “They’re from Kyle!”
“Hey.”
“Hope you’re doing okay.”
“I know we’re not together anymore. But if you need any help let me know.”
I stare at the message, speechless. And then my phone chimes one last time with another message.
“I’m still here for you.”
I’m not aware I’m crying until the sob rips itself from my throat. I try and wipe away my tears because I have no right to cry right now, and I shouldn’t be crying considering I’m the one that broke up with him, but I can’t help it. Jacqui plucks the phone out of my hand and smiles softly.
“He’s a better person than I am, then,” Jacqui says, shaking her head. “Seriously, girl, why did you let this one go?”
Because I had to. I gulp in a deep breath and rub my eyes dry, reminding myself of that. This isn’t Kyle’s fight. It’s mine.