“Well, look, we at least need to get a replacement for her, don’t we? This office was practically run by Amelia. Especially when you weren’t around too much. We need someone to fit in.”
For a brief moment, that idea annoys the living hell out of me. I don’t want to be told what to do, to know that he thinks I’m not good enough to work this shit out alone. Especially since I’ve just told him that I’m going to be in the office more in the future. But then I think of the possibilities… a new girl around the office… could be fun. I’m growing tired of all the ones that we have around at the moment, that’s why I don’t bother.
“Okay, fine. I’m going to get a new PA. Does that make you happy?”
Charlie shakes his head, giving up on me. “Sure, that’s fine, but make it quick. Because I might have already read the report, but your father hasn’t yet. He will treat you with more aggression than I ever could.”
“I know, I know, my father is a bastard. He will kill me. Whatever. Can I go now?”
“Yes, I suppose so, I just want to… I just want things to be better around here. Acting as a go between isn’t my main job, yet it seems to be all I do. Trying to make you and your father happy, and it’s getting exhausting when neither of you seems to care about how the other one feels.”
That strikes me a bit, but only for a moment. “Yeah, see, it isn’t just me. He’s just as bad. I’m not on my own in this cycle. You know that as well as I do. Don’t pretend that you don’t see it, Charlie.”
I’m burning all over, full of anger. It isn’t fair. We’re both adults, him even more so than me since he’s been doing it for a lot longer, so why exactly does all the stress need to rest only on my shoulders?
“One of you needs to break the loop, that’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“Well, it shouldn’t have to be me. You’re right, I agree, but I don’t see why it should have to be me.”
With that, I stalk out and I slam the door behind me. I head all the way to my office, and I take a seat in my super comfortable office chair. It’s nice to be here, where I can relax. I have it this way on purpose so I can sleep it off if I need to. But today I guess there won’t be any sleeping. Today I’m going to have to get this job ad sorted so I can get a new PA in here sooner rather than later. I suppose it’s best for me to appease Charlie. I really don’t want my dad coming down here. He’s always a mega dick when he comes in.
“Right, so what do I want?” I mutter to myself. “What qualities do I need in a PA?”
I know what qualities that I want, but they might not be right so I guess all that I can do is get a big standard message out into the world, one that represents the ‘company values’ and go from there. See who comes in.
“God, I need to get out of here,” I mutter to myself. “I should strike out on my own.”
I want to, and I have some ideas as well. I kinda know what I want, but I’m scared. I guess being on my own would be a big risk and I’d really have to commit to it. That terrifies me, so does the idea of failure. I can’t handle it. Which is why I stay here, stuck in th
is loop that I don’t like one bit. In this job, with no way out.
Fear. That’s why.
“Coward.”
I hate myself for it, especially when I’m so confident in other areas of my life. But I suppose at least my cowardice is deep inside where no one can see it. Except my father. I think that he might see it which is half of the problem between us. I hate anyone knowing what’s going on underneath the surface and seeing who I really am. It’s why I don’t let anyone in properly. I have my flings, my fun, but I don’t let anyone ever get to know the real me.
I don’t screw around and party all the time just because I want to, although I do like it, I do that because I have to. Because it keeps me who I am… or it keeps the mask on anyway. Right where I need it to be.
Chapter Five
Lexi
Fuck. My brain races at the speed of light. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel way out of my depth, like I’m spinning out of control. If this wasn’t absolutely necessary, then there’s no way in hell that I would be on the subway now, heading to the posh end of the city where I really won’t fit in, to interview for a job that I know I won’t get.
I’ve taken a day off from work for this, I’m missing out on a whole shift at the restaurant, which is money that I’m really going to miss… all because I got called in for an interview, probably just to fill up a quota. In this day and age, people probably need to have a certain amount of no hopers come in, just to make up numbers or make themselves look good. Honestly, if the salary wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t even be considering this. But it is. It’s the sort of money that could make a real difference in Jane’s life.
That’s why I need to do this, that’s why I have to give it a try, even if it’s hopeless. For her. I’ve been reading the documentation, trying to see how good this treatment could be, and while it’s experimental with no guarantees, it could really work. The initial testing has been positive, and I need to strive for that.
I just hope that whoever is interviewing me, sees through the lack of experience I have. I need this. If anyone knew what I was going through, they would know how hard I’d work for them, but I can’t say that, can I? I can’t beg. I will just have to make sure that I show the interviewer how dedicated I can be.
You can do this, I try my hardest to convince myself as we pull into the subway station. You can. You are worthwhile, you have the skills that people will want. You can make this work for yourself.
But this isn’t for me, thank goodness, it’s for the one person in the world who inspires me. Admittedly, I falter when I walk down the street and I see the building where I’m hoping to get a job. It’s just so sleek and professional. None of the people that I’m used to serving and dealing with would set foot in here. Kick ass women with sparky attitudes and dirty infectious laughs. Men with dirty shoes and grease on their clothes. No, this will be suits, suits, and more suits. Not my sort of people at all. But I’m doing my best. I’m wearing the closest thing to a suit that I own today, since I couldn’t afford anything new. Maybe if I hadn’t chucked money at Will on that date, trying to prove that I’m not the sort of woman who needs to be paid for… but I do, I could have got myself something new.
Still, a white blouse with a bow at the neckline, a navy blue blazer, and a black pencil skirt will do. Plus, heels so sky high that I can barely walk in them, and stockings with a line up the back of my leg. Sure, you can still see some of my tattoos, they are impossible to hide, but I’m still looking about as good as I can. I think. I even braided my hair to keep it off my face. It’s the smartest that I can possibly look, so it will have to work. I need to be good enough. I’ve made a serious effort on Jane’s behalf.