Fuck. I clutch my stomach hard. I feel like I might throw up. Is this that Jane is trying to push me away? What if it’s because she knows that the treatment isn’t working? I know that everyone keeps telling me this sickness is normal, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. It scares the living shit out of me.
“So, she just doesn’t want to see me? I can’t even go in for a moment to say hello?”
“Perhaps try to contact her via the phone tonight and come tomorrow if she wants.”
“Tomorrow? So, I have to wait all night to see her again. To know that she’s okay.”
“She is fine. I can reassure you of that…” I can sense Nurse Amy getting desperate, but it’s nothing like I feel.
“But that’s you telling me, not me seeing it,” I whine. “And things can change quickly, can’t they? They didn’t with my mom, she went slowly, but not everyone is the same, are they? What if… what if…?”
“Someone from the hospital will be in touch with you the moment you are needed here.”
“Oh, and then I’ll be able to see her again, will I?” I snap, more nastily than I mean to.
“I’m sorry, Lexi, believe me, I don’t want to be in this position.” Her eyes dart left and right as she tries her hardest to find an escape route. “I wish that there was something I could do, but it isn’t my place…”
“I know.” I nod vigorously. “It’s not up to you to decide, it’s Jane’s wish, and she has chosen to push me away.”
“I don’t think that’s what she wants…”
“You don’t know what she wants though, do you?” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “And nor do I. No one does aside from her. I keep trying and trying and now… I’m left out in the dark. And believe me, I hate this ‘poor me’ bullshit, I know that I don’t have anything to complain about but…”
“I understand, Lexi. This is very hard on relatives…”
“But harder on Jane. I know. So, I need to just leave.”
I turn away, unable to look at her anymore. It feels a bit like my whole world is falling apart as I stagger through the hospital hallways. The knowledge that my sister is inside, and I can’t see her is too much for me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to take that. It’s so shitty of Jane, she knows what she’s doing to me. I almost want to storm in there to give her hell… but of course I’m not going to do that. That wouldn’t be right. I’m not selfish like that, but it still really fucking hurts.
I race to the bathroom, unable to face the outside world yet because it feels like giving up. I grab on to the bathroom sink and just let the tears fall. The memory of losing my mom crushes down on me like a big weight. It hurts. Her lying there in that hospital bed, slipping away as me and Jane held her hands, trying to keep her going just that little bit longer. Even knowing that she was going to die and accepting that it was better for her than being in pain any longer, didn’t make the actual loss of her any easier.
“I love you both,” she whispered to us. “You have each other now.”
It was a comfort. Only a small one in such a terrible situation, but this time I will have no one. I don’t want to accept that Jane might die, it’s something that I’ will never ever be able to face. I have thought about it in a hypothetical way but only as an abstract concept. Now, it’s running over me like a painful tsunami, I can’t stop it from coming. The waves are washing over me, drowning me in agony, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do.
“Fuck,” I mutter through the tears. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. This time, I have no one…”
A scream bursts free from my chest. I don’t even know where it comes from, it just explodes. I scream and scream, trying to let all of the bad emotions out. I’m hoping that I will feel better afterwards. But I don’t. I don’t think that I will ever be able to feel better.
One of the toilet cubicles opens wide, making me jump. I thought that I was the only one in here. I step to one side and try an
d allow the sadness to subside a bit, but the dirty look that I get from the older woman tells me that she doesn’t give a shit what my situation is. She doesn’t approve of my behavior.
I probably am being a freak. Perhaps I would feel the same way as her if the roles were reversed.
“Sorry,” I whisper, choking through the sobs. “I’m just…”
“Not my problem.” She holds up her hand to stop me. “You do yours, let me do mine.”
I cock my head to one side curiously, wondering what her deal is. If the roles were reversed, I would definitely be a little more caring. I mean, it’s clear that I’m a mess and I could use an open ear. I might not want to talk to this stranger, but sometimes the offer is all that it takes.
“Yeah, right,” I bite back. “You do yours.”
She shoots me one last disapproving look before she leaves, basically making my next decision for me. I need to get out of here. They aren’t going to let me see Jane tonight, no matter what I do. And to be honest, the mood that I’m in right now isn’t good. I guess it’s for the best. I wouldn’t be good company for Jane.
If anything ever were to happen with Jane, it would destroy me to know that we fell out. Arguing isn’t helpful right now. We need to always be in a good place. I don’t have a lot of regrets when it comes to Mom now, I know that our lives were normal and the spats between a mother and teenage daughter is to be expected, but at the time, when she first passed away, all I could think about were the shittiest words I ever spoke.
I hated myself for a long while and I don’t want that again.