“Okay, so do you want to discuss options?”
“To be honest, I just want to wrap my head around it before I discuss anything.”
“How about I give you some flyers then? You can take the information home with you and look at it at your own leisure when you’re in a better frame of mind to consider things.”
I nod, numb still. “And you’re sure about this? There’s no chance you’ve made a mistake.”
“Miss Tyler, you are having a baby, I am sure of it.”
Fuck. Of all the options that I considered, this was never one…
Dear Isaac Janie,
I am sorry to hand in my resignation like this, but I cannot continue working for you. My personal life is now becoming too overwhelming and I can’t hold it all together…
“No.” I shake my head and drop my pen. “That won’t work. He’ll know I’m lying.”
This is about the thirtieth letter that I have written, and none of them are working. I just can’t find the right excuse to leave the personal assistant job that I definitely can’t continue to hold down with this giant secret swimming around inside of me. It isn’t exactly something to easily keep a secret anyway, is it? As the baby grows, so will my stomach and Isaac will immediately know what’s going on.
He’ll know the baby is his and it will freak him out. I don’t want us to end this way.
It’ll be nice to end things on as good a point as they can be, and that last time we shared was incredible. Me and him hugging in his bed, all the worries in the world melting away because we were together. I would much prefer that, than an intense fiery argument where me and my child get rejected and my heart is shattered.
I know that I should probably just tell him, that he has a right to know because it’s his baby too, but my gut is telling me this is the wrong thing to do. I might even be protecting him by keeping it from him. I don’t know.
I touch my hand to my belly, feeling an intense power surging through me. Now that I know, it feels incredible to me that I went through all that time unaware that I had a baby inside of me. It’s just so obvious. I know I have that information from the doctor, that I have options available to me, but really there is only one choice. This baby is mine, he or she belongs to me, and is my family. I’m running low on family. I need all I can get. Also, there’s a boundless love, like nothing I have ever felt before, surging all the way through me. It really is unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. It’s deeper, powerful, shocking, bolting. It’s the best thing in the world. I’m sure it will only get better when my baby is born, and my life moves to another chapter.
I am going to have this baby, and I’m going to be the best mom I can. Before my mother passed away, she was a wonderful role model. She has shown me the way and she did it alone, I can do the same. I can allow her memory to live on through my mothering skills. That’s actually quite nice, it’ll be a great way to honor her.
“I just need a plan,” I tell myself. “For me, for Jane, and for the baby.”
It’s another weight, it’s far more pressure, but like I always do, I will raise my head high and get through it. I will suck in a few breaths, roll my shoulders back, and I will keep on going forwards.
“Maybe I don’t need to write a stupid letter of resignation. I might even be fired anyway.”
People don’t just get away with not going into work all the time, and I do have a whole lot of voice mails that I know are from Isaac… I just can’t face listening to them. Even now, when I know I should, I don’t.
“This problem might all just go away, huh, little one, what do you think?”
It’s almost laughable, I have gone nuts, but I’m already talking to my little baby. But I’m so much in love. I know that it’s a messed up situation, far from ideal, but this baby was created through love… at least on my behalf. Even though I won’t have that little family that everyone craves, it’s better than nothing. Things don’t have to look a certain way to be happy and perfect.
I make my way over to the couch and collapse onto the cushions, smiling to myself. I have been here for a while, just lying on the couch in sadness, assuming that my life is over, so this is nice. Scary but nice.
“Me and you can do this, can’t we, baby?” There are tears in my eyes. But happy ones. “We can be alone.”
Jane hasn’t been talking to me and she’s hardly been replying to my text messages either, but she’s going to have to stop this blocking me off now. I need to see her, to tell her what’s happening with me.
Lexi: Hey, Jane, I hope that everything is alright with you. I miss you still. Please let me come and see you soon, I have some big news that I absolutely need to share with you. Love you so much, Lexi xxx
I wait impatiently a few moments, but I don’t get a reply. She’s probably just sleeping, it seems like she’s been really tired recently. I guess the treatment isn’t getting any better for her, which sucks, but I suppose as long as it’s working, that’s the main thing. She’ll love this, I’m sure it will give her hope and push her forwards. It’ll give her something new to think about while she’s suffering in the damn hospital, trying to recover.
“Everything surely changed today,” I tell myself, or maybe my baby, with a laugh. “Just not in the way that I was expecting. I can handle the sickness, knowing that it’s for you, my little one. I can take anything.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Isaac
I leave the office practically skipping, glad to be done for the week. No one else knows it yet, but my plans are really starting to come together. After a lot of research, I know what I want to do, and I’m slowly starting to work out how I’m going to make it happen. I’m going to use Lexi as an inspiration, and work for something that means a lot to me. What I want is to help young people with troubles, particular those who have lost parents. It must be a scary time, and I can’t even begin to imagine what they would do. What I want is to offer jobs or help people get jobs, assist them with finding apartments, that sort of thing. Plus, the therapy side and the emotional support. I will do fundraisers and sell goods on the side to help fund this, plus I think there will be a lot of people who want to volunteer their services to help me out with such a good cause. I might even work with the hospital.