“I can accept you, that’s what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way.”
Mom nods reassuringly at me, trying to let me know that I can believe him, but I’m not totally convinced that he can change that easily. Even with Mom whispering in his ear. But I suppose time will tell.
“Okay, well we’ll see, won’t we?” I shrug, refusing to back down quite as easily.
“Son, what more can I do? I have told you that I’m going to be better…”
“Words only mean so much. Actions mean a lot more.”
He opens his mouth as if he’s going to argue this, but then he seems to accept that I’m right. There isn’t anything he can say to change my mind. It’s going to take time. There are years of negativity that we need to get past. That doesn’t happen in just one conversation. He needs to get that.
“Right, well this has been good, but I need to go now. I need to find Lexi, to see if I can make it right.”
“Will you apologize for me?” I nod at Dad, not sure how much this will work. “Thank you.”
I leave the house, pondering over everything that just happened. I don’t want to take it in too much because right now, it’s my mother’s influence, but I suppose it’s the best progress that I can ask for. Dad has never apologized to me before, or admitted that he’s wrong, so it’s something. It’s a start in the right direction at any rate. I will take it for now, and just see where we go from here. It’s the only way.
I just hope that it’s enough for Lexi, I hope a start is all she needs.
But as I make it to her home, and I knock on the door, I can already tell that she isn’t in. There aren’t any noises coming from inside. I guess when she said that she wanted space, she really meant it. I’m sure I would be able to find her in the hospital if I really wanted to, however much she wants to get away she won’t leave Jane, but if she needs a break then I need to let her. If I don’t, I will only push her away further.
I sigh loudly and walk away, still a bit frustrated that I can’t solve this right now, but I suppose this is the way that it has to be for the moment. I just need to wait and be patient. I suppose it will give me the time to sort things out with my family, and I can start
my business as well.
I need to use this space positively. It’s the only thing that I can do. I need to make Lexi proud of me, to make myself irresistible to her, to make her see how good we could be together.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Lexi
I lean my head back on the bed that’s becoming less strange by the day and sigh loudly. It’s been a long day today, and the worries are getting the better of me. I have a bit of a clearer mind without all of the Isaac drama surrounding me. That’s still there, but it isn’t as prominent since I can’t actually do anything about it right now. But my panic about Jane is getting worse by the day. She’s looking terrible at the moment, and it’s a strain. I can’t tell her, of course, I’m doing my best to remain positive, at least in front of her, but it’s hard.
It’s difficult not to crack, not to crumble in front of her, not to weep like a baby and hug her. I want to cling to her and beg her not to leave me, but I need to remain positive and strong in front of her.
I don’t have any more tears to cry or I would. I’m completely drained. Emotionally and physically. I don’t have a scrap of energy left. All I can do is lie here and try to get some sleep, to start again tomorrow.
“It might be a good day tomorrow,” I tell myself. “Things could still turn around.”
At least I’m with her all the time, that’s the only good thing about not having a job. I can be at my sister’s side all the time. I have enough cash to keep me going, for the time being anyway. That’s another thing I can compartmentalize for now and deal with at a later date, when I have the time.
As my eyes closed, Isaac’s face floods my brain like he’s been waiting there all day, and now he’s finally allowed to come free. It’s difficult because I’m not sure that dreaming about him is helping me at all, but I can’t help myself. He’s the only man that I have ever loved, and ever will love like that. The times that we shared are unlike anything else that I have been through before. I wish that the world wasn’t against us and we could just be together. I wish it was simple. I guess one day it might be.
I sigh and turn onto my side, remembering what it was like to be with him for a little while. Recalling the sensation of his hands on my waist, his lips against mine, him whispering that he loves me… it was all so wonderful, like a fantasy dream come true. No other man will ever be able to compare.
You did the right thing by pushing him away. We both need space.
But the space is hard, however sensible it is, and that’s all I can think about as I slowly drift into a restless night of sleep. I don’t remember what it feels like to be settled, and I’m not sure I will again.
I get dressed rapidly in the morning, barely bothering to brush my hair or put on any make up, before I make the short walk over to the hospital. That’s why I chose this particular motel, because it isn’t far, and I can be there when I need to be, to help out Jane. I stuff my hands in my pockets and move my feet quickly. The sooner that I’m there, the better, then I can have something practical to do, so I can get out of my head.
The staff in the hospital all greet me as I go in, especially the ones working in Jane’s department. I have become even more like a part of the furniture because I’m here all the time. Then I finally get to Jane’s room where she’s sitting on the edge of the bed, talking intently to a doctor. I keep a bit of a distance because I’m too scared to eavesdrop. I fear what I might hear. I’ve gone beyond the stage of wanting to know.
Once the doctor leaves, I make my way over to her bed and take my usual seat. “Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’m good.” She leans back and smiles. “I don’t need to be out of the room for a while today, so we can hang out. Which is good.” She nods. “Because you have a face like a smacked ass, and I need to know why.”
“What?” I immediately try to smile as best I can. “I’m good. Don’t worry about me.”