What will I do? Will I stay here the night and mope in a puddle of my own misery while I think about all the mistakes I have made? Or…
“I’ll need his address,” I say to Kyle.
Or do I go to Grant’s apartment and beg him to listen to me? I’ll get down on my knees if I have to. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell Grant everything. But I know that I can’t allow things to keep going like this.
Kyle gives me a small smile.
“Sure.”
Dinner is quiet. Allison still looks unsure, but she doesn’t say anything, and Kyle doesn’t seem to have anything to say now that he’s voiced his own opinion on everything. I don’t really know what to say either.
“This is really good,” I finally say towards the end of the meal. “Thanks for cooking me dinner.”
“I’m glad you liked it,” Allison says with a small smile.
I glance at the clock. It’s seven.
“Grant had the lunch shift today,” Kyle says, almost as though he could hear my thoughts. “He’ll be home.”
I feel as though it’s burning, the paper Kyle had scrawled Grant’s address down on for me in my pocket. It crinkles as I touch it. Now that the time has come to leave, I can feel my heart pounding.
“Thanks,” I say, my mouth dry.
“Would you like a lift?” Kyle asks.
I almost say yes; it’s been so long since I’ve been on a motorbike. The last time was with Grant, when we were still together. It’s one of the things I missed most after I left him and, before discovering I was pregnant, I toyed with the idea of learning to ride myself.
“No,” I say though, shaking my head. “I think I want to walk and clear my head.”
“Fair enough,” Kyle says.
He stands and clears the plates before carrying them to the kitchen. Allison leans forward immediately and holds out something small and gleaming.
“A key to the apartment,” she explains when I look at it, confused. “If you come back tonight, you can use it to get in. I’ll leave some blankets and pillows on the couch, just in case.”
“You’re not expecting me to come back?” I ask wryly.
“No… I’m hoping you won’t come back,” Allison corrects. “Because that will mean everything went well. But keep that anyway. You don’t have to give it back to me.”
I smile and take the key.
“Thanks, Allison.”
I stand. I can’t put it off for much longer.
“Good luck,” Allison says.
I try to smile at her and then leave. If I stay any longer, I won’t go. But Kyle is right. This is important. I’m not the only one suffering here, and I need to start making amends. I can only hope that Grant will at least hear me out.
Grant doesn’t live very far from Allison’s apartment, but I’m only halfway there when I feel the first drops of rain on my head. I pause, glancing upward; I don’t normally check the weather, so I have no idea if it was supposed to rain or not. I’m suddenly wishing I’d taken Kyle up on his offer for a ride.
In moments, it gets heavier and, grimacing, I break into a run. This is just my luck, isn’t it? Maybe the world is laughing at me. “Hey, look at the woman who seems to think she can get her ex back after hurting him without any explanation three years ago.” Maybe it’s what I deserve.
By the time I reach the apartment building Kyle had directed me to, I’m soaked and shivering, even in my jacket and jeans. As I rush inside, I flick my wet hair out of my eyes and try to smooth it back. I no doubt look like a wreck, which is not the impression I wanted to give Grant when I’m arriving to ask for his forgiveness.
Grant lives on the top floor of the building, and I take the old rattling elevator up, wringing my hands. The urge to run away is getting stronger. But I need to stop doing that. Fleeing is what got me in this mess to start with. I need to stand up and face what I’ve done
.