Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC 4)

It’s great that she came out of the depression. She saw a psychologist and was able to put it behind her. And something heavy sits in my stomach to know that Polly went through something like that. She was having all these terrible thoughts until she broke, and I just never knew. I just thought it was the stress of the new baby, which I was also feeling.

But…

I was Polly’s husband. Not once, not when she fell pregnant, not during the pregnancy, not even afterward, when she was feeling that bad, did she say anything to me. Never asked me for help, or even told me she wasn’t feeling too great. She allowed things within her mind to build and build and build until she exploded, when her only option was to get away from it all.

It upsets me that she never came to me.

And the end result of it all was her disappearance and my small family narrowing down to two. I look at Polly, sitting across from me, who is avoiding my eyes. She knows that her excuses sound petty and foolish, considering what I went through. She got to evaluate everything and feel better about her actions. And I got ten years of being terrified of allowing anyone that close to me again while struggling to raise a daughter alone on my small wage.

“It’s not fair.”

Polly looks up. It takes me a moment to realize that I’ve said those words aloud.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly.

I close my eyes briefly. Then I open them again.

“That’s not good enough,” I say, and she sits back. “After ten years, you think an apology is going to solve anything?”

“No, of course not, but…” Polly tries.

“No. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to give me that poor excuse for an explanation and then expect everything is all good. You say you were confused by your own actions several months after you left, which resulted in you going to the psychologist. You say you’ve spent the last few years dragging up the courage to speak to me. You say you’ve known approximately where I live for the last year and half, and that you’ve only now gotten around to contacting me. Bullshit, Polly.”

Polly gasps.

“What…?” she asks. “I told you the truth!”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t the truth. “I’m saying it’s all bullshit. You didn’t talk to me, before or after Lily’s birth. You should have said something! Maybe we still would have ended up divorced, with me having custody. But that would have been a hell of a lot fucking better than you leaving a note and walking out on me!”

“I know, I was young and stupid…” Polly says.

“We were fucking adults!” I roar, suddenly furious. After all this, she’s still trying to make excuses. I’m done hearing them. “We were married! We had been together for years! We weren’t two stupid teenagers who had no clue about how a relationship works! I was your husband!”

Polly cringes back. Guilt is on her face now.

“I’m sorry,” she says in a small voice.

Abruptly, the anger drains out of me, and I slump back in my chair. What’s even the point of getting angry right now? It’s ten years too late to say any of this. It’s not going to make me feel better.

“You abandoned us,” I say quietly. “You tell me how saying “I’m sorry” is going to make that better.”

“I was young and stupid… I didn’t realize what I had,” Polly says. Then she gives me a tremulous smile. “But that’s still just excuses, right?”

“Yeah,” I say. I’m tired. I want this to be over with already. I want Polly out of my home. “None of it even matters anymore. I only wanted answers so I could stop trying to imagine what happened.” I raise my eyes to meet hers. “Ten years have gone by for both of us. I’ve spent those ten years raising my daughter on my own and locking all memories of you away. But, lately, Lily has been asking about you. Part of me wants to stop the two of you from ever meeting; I’ll never forgive myself for allowing this if she gets hurt.”

“She won’t,” Polly says instantly. “I promise, Ethan. Please, give me one last chance to prove that I can do the right thing. Please.”

“I should send you away and tell you I’ll think about it,” I say. I sigh. “But the decision has already been made, by Lily. You’re lucky we have such a beautiful daughter, inside and out. She’s willing to forgive your ten-year absence so she can meet you.”

“Thank you,” Polly says. She hesitates. “For what it’s worth…I did love you, Ethan, with all my heart. What I did to you was terrible. I’m trying to make up for it, now, even if it is far too late. I hope we can make this work.”

I think of Lily’s beaming smile and sigh.

“So do I,” I say.

Chapter Twelve

Georgia