Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC 4)

I laugh.

“Well, I’m sorry, too,” I say. “I didn’t mean to say what I did.”

“It’s okay if you did,” Ethan says. “You weren’t really wrong. I am a coward. And I do hide behind needing to look after Lily to avoid relationships. But Lily is getting older now, isn’t she? I can’t use that excuse forever. Soon, I’m going to have to face it.”

“It’s fine, Ethan,” I say, reaching out to pat him on the shoulder. “You know, Polly really got to you. It’s not something to get over easily, especially now that she’s back in your life. But we can work things out. You’ll get used to Polly being around, and we’ll always be best friends.”

Ethan’s expressions twists when I mention Polly, as though he wants to say something. But he just purses his lips again and stays silent. I remember on Saturday, when he was afraid that Lily will eventually come to love Polly more than him. It’s absolutely ridiculous, of course, because Lily adores Ethan. No doubt a similar thought that he doesn’t want to voice is going through his mind now.

“It’s going to be fine,” I repeat. The words “I love you” are on the tip of my tongue. But I hold them back for a moment. I am not going to confess while we’re talking about Polly Truman or Sanders or whatever the fuck her name is now. “If it makes you feel better, there’s a carnival that came today. They’ll open tomorrow. Want to take Lily on the weekend and forget about everything else?”

“That sounds amazing,” Ethan sighs. “But I had to pay lots of bills this week. I don’t have much left.”

“My treat, then,” I decide.

“Georgia…” Ethan starts to protest.

“Please?” I say. He pauses. “Let me do this for the two of you. You’ve been working really hard, and stressing about both Polly and Lily’s birthday on top of that. You need a break before you explode.”

“I exploded a little this morning,” Ethan confesses. “Polly turned up without messaging first, and I kept snapping at her. We almost started arguing, but then Lily got up.”

“I wish I had seen that,” I grin. “What did you say to her?”

“Um…” Ethan frowns, thinking. “She said something about me being in a bad mood and asked if I’d slept badly last night. So I told her that I was in a bad mood because she keeps showing up and demanding to be part of our lives, and I pretty much said she had no right after she ran off.”

I snicker. “Now I really wish I had seen that. I bet that didn’t go down well.”

“It didn’t,” Ethan says, deadpan. “She wasn’t happy at all. As I said, if it wasn’t for Lily, it probably would have gotten ugly. I have you to thank for that, putting me in a bad mood.”

“The one good thing that came out of that,” I joke. “Polly probably had no idea what was going on, especially since you guys had such a good day yesterday.”

“Yeah, well, she’ll probably be back next weekend, so now I need to prepare for that,” Ethan mutters, looking reluctant. He pauses. “Fine…we’ll go to the carnival on Saturday?”

“Sounds good,” I say. I smirk, because I know why Ethan gave in so quickly. “So you can message Polly and tell her that she doesn’t need to come around until Sunday.”

Ethan quirks a smile.

“Sounds good,” he says. His smile drops. “Though, maybe if I’m lucky, she won’t want to come around next Sunday.”

I glance at him. Is it just me, or has Ethan’s anger at Polly somehow gotten worse? Maybe the two of them arguing this morning stirred a lot of old feelings for him? Still, something doesn’t seem quite right. I open my mouth to ask, but Ethan unintentionally cuts me off before I can.

“I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore,” he says quietly. “When you yelled at me last night, I didn’t know what to do. Still, it’s made me do a lot of thinking.”

“Like what?” I ask, curious.

“I am a coward, as I said,” Ethan sighs. “Even if I’m falling in love with you, I don’t know if I can just open myself up like that again. So I don’t know what to do.” He looks beseechingly at me. “I’m sorry.”

There’s a roaring in my ears. Surely I just imagined that, right? I’m not even sure Ethan realizes what he just said. I open my mouth and close it several times. Finally, I manage to force some strangled words past my lips.

“What did you just say?”

Chapter Nineteen

Ethan

I blink, confused by Georgia’s question. I told her that I’m not sure if I can open my heart again, didn’t I? I just apologized, because she deserves that. Even if Georgia doesn’t look at me in that light, I need to tell her because of my actions a week ago.

But why is she looking at me like that? Her eyes are wide and her skin is a shade paler. She’s gaping at me. What changed?