Oh good, she’s feeling exactly the same way that I am. “I like you too, Winter.”
“Right, I thought as much.” She rests her hands on my shoulders. “Because we click well, don’t we? We have a good connection. And we are both in the industry so that’s always good…”
I try to answer her, I even part my lips wide, but before I can get anything out, she has crashed her mouth to mine in the most shocking thing ever. It’s so awkward, so confusing, and there is absolutely no chemistry there between us. The chemistry that we have as Cherry as Richard, isn’t anywhere to be seen.
“What the hell is going on here?” It takes me a couple of moments because of the shock and the fact that it feels like she might be playing a prank on me right now, but soon I move away from Winter. “What are you doing, Winter? I don’t understand, this… this doesn’t make any sense…”
“What are you talking about? I thought you just said that you like me too.”
“As a friend, yes!” I insist. “But not as anything else. I didn’t mean like this. I have a girlfriend. You know that, I have talked about Darcy in front of you, to you, you know that she exists.”
“You don’t talk about her much though.” Winter throws her hands in the air in frustration. “And she doesn’t understand you, does she? We talked about that, didn’t we? About how people not in the industry don’t understand, so it’s better to date within the movie business. And me and you… we have something.”
I’m blown away, I don’t know what to say to her, this is too much. I only thought that we had a friendship there, which is now completely stripped away. If I had even suspected for a second that there was more to Winter’s feelings than meets the eye, I would have been more careful. I wouldn’t have let that happen.
“I… I didn’t exactly say those things, Winter, I don’t know what to say to you. Me and Darcy have something good going and I don’t want to give up on her. On us. I didn’t know that you were feeling like this…”
“You aren’t happy,” Winter scoffs. “No way. You don’t look happy at all. I think that the relationship is draining you because you’re clinging on to something that can’t work. You probably aren’t making her happy either. How can you be when you’re both draining the life out of one another? You need to be apart; you need to grow alone; you need to be with someone who gets it. You should be with me.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I move away from her and turn on my heels to walk. I don’t want to be with Winter, that hasn’t ever been the case for me, I have only ever wanted to be her friend. But, there is something that doesn’t feel like it should with me and Darcy as well. I keep thinking to myself that it will get better… but isn’t it supposed to be better now? Shouldn’t this be the honeymoon period?
God, I’m so confused. I don’t know what the hell to think. All I know for sure is that my love for Darcy is all of me. It’s all I want and all I need… but is it enough?
Chapter Twenty-Six
Darcy
January 20th
Oh my God… what the hell is happening here? I absolutely cannot believe what I am looking at. This is just… crazy. I mean, I only got the stupid test because my online searches suggested that I should, just to put the idea out of my mind. I’m not supposed to have this result. I don’t even know what to do with it. Stupid sickness and no menstrual cycle. I am supposed to have some life threatening illness not this… not now.
But we knew that this could happen, that’s the problem. Me and Seth haven’t been using birth control for a while and that is for a reason. Because we moved to LA together, because we are in love, because we want a family… I didn’t think I would find myself in this position. Unable to find happiness in Hollywood even if everything that I have ever wanted is in front of me.… and with a positive pregnancy test.
“Fuck.” I shake my head hard as tears roll behind my eyes. I don’t quite let them out because I am sick of feeling sad, but they are there all right.
This is supposed to be a moment that is so happy, so full of love, shared with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but it doesn’t feel that way. There is too much emptiness inside of me for that. Instead, this will just be an added complication to a life that already doesn’t quite feel right.
My brain races at the speed of light. I know that I need to act but I’m not sure how. Do I run? Escape all of this while I try to wrap my own head around it? Or do I lean against Seth and get him involved? Will he even want to be? I mean, this is an integral time for his career and since we haven’t been together for that long, despite how long we have known one another, it may be too quick for him. He might be the one to run.
“Shit.” All of a sudden, before I can decide anything, the door clicks open and I hear Seth bursting inside. He’s been out with the people that he works on the movie with. A night that he asked me to join him on but I made up a stupid excuse, because I wanted to take this test alone. I thought that I was simply over reacting to not feeling like myself and I didn’t want to scare him over nothing. I didn’t expect him to be back yet…
Although as I glance at the clock, I realize that it isn’t that early after all. It’s pretty late. Not the sort of time to be discussing a shock pregnancy, especially if he’s drunk. So, without giving myself even another second to worry about it, I stuff the little white stick in the bottom of the trash so he can’t see it. Much as it feels wrong to be hiding it from him, I quickly convince myself that this is for the best.
“Hey!” Seth smiles at me, all bleary eyed. Obviously, he is rather intoxicated. “I didn’t know that you were still up. It’s so great to see you. How did your work thing go? It sounded super important.”
God, how do I tell him that not only was there no work thing today, but that there hasn’t been anything work related to work out for me in LA? He so wants it to happen for me, I can see it in his eyes. I am just letting him down by being a failure over and over again. I can’t seem to get anything right for anyone. Least of all myself.
“Hmm, fine,” I reply blandly instead. “How are you? Looks like you had a good night.”
“It was awesome. We were celebrating the love scene that me and Winter had to do today. And we nailed it. We really did well. So well that we left work early and were out all night which, as you know, isn’t like the director at all. But he loved the chemistry that we brought on set today, so yeah… it was a good one for me.”
I can’t freak out, however much I want to. This is just his job after all. Sex scenes are going to happen, I know that. I have seen them happen in some of his other movies and not got this jealousy, but there is something about the idea of him and Winter and their ‘chemistry’ that kills me. Maybe it’s because this is a different type of movie for him, perhaps it’s because this is the first one since we have been together, or it could be just the bad, inexplicable, feeling that I get from her. Whatever it is, the idea of them filming a love scene together makes all of my insides squeeze tightly together with a pain like nothing I have ever felt before. But of course, it would be totally uncool of me to let that show because I knew that he was an actor in movies before I came to LA.
“That’s great,” I reply through gritted teeth, silently blaming my newly discovered hormones for the internal over reaction. “Glad that you have enjoyed yourself. You must be tired though.”
“I might have a shower; I haven’t had a chance since we went out straight after. You want to join me?”
As he wiggles his eyebrows playfully at me, I feel dreadful. Normally I would love this idea, but today I am too emotionally drained to feel anything at all. I shake my head and smile regretfully at him.