Her Perfect Gift

“By speaking to the media?” I don’t want to burst his bubble, but he seems to have added two and two together and come up with some obscure number. “What did she even say about you to this Jasmine?”

“Oh, it was about me being like my dad, so I guess it wasn’t the best, but that has to be a way to get my attention.”

Oh God, he really is just seeing what he wants to see here. Despite everything that he has done to me, I can’t help but feel sorry for the little boy deep inside of him who just wants his mommy. It doesn’t matter what she has done to him, he wants to keep giving her endless chances because they share DNA. I can’t stop this; he is on a roll. All that I can do right now is push my feelings to the side and deal with this later on. Help him.

“Okay, well I will come with you,” I say determinedly. “I will support you. Whatever you need.”

An ice cold sensation washes over me while I watch his face contort with stress. Immediately I can tell that I have said the wrong thing which makes me feel so fucking stupid. I have pushed all of my sadness away, I haven’t even mentioned how much I am dying inside, and he doesn’t even want me.

“I think that this might be something I should do alone. Just because I don’t know what I will find.”

“I don’t make you happy, do I? You pretend for my sake, but I know the truth.” His words from the middle of the night flood my mind in the worst way possible. “It doesn’t matter how much we love one another, being here isn’t making your life as complete as it should be.” Tears haunt me, I have to swallow back hard so I don’t let them out. “I always feel like you might be on the verge of leaving.” He’s worried about pushing me away but now he doesn’t want me around. “Winter kept saying tonight that she doesn’t think I am happy either. I think I am, but what if she’s right?” He isn’t happy, I can see it in his eyes. The idea of meeting his mother has thrilled him far more than being with me ever could. I can’t keep acting like I don’t hate it either. Not now.

“Okay.” I nod and act like this is all good. “You do that. Good luck with it all. I will just…”

I wave my hand dismissively and give him a bit of a look. I just want him to see me, just for a split second. I want him to know that I am suffering, that all of this doesn’t push anything to the side for me, but of course he simply looks right through me. His mind is on something else entirely. I might as well not be here.

“Right.” He grabs his keys and smiles thinly at me. “Well, I am off. See you later.”

He rushes towards the front door without looking back, without kissing me or even hugging me, without giving me any reassurance that my female intuition and subsequent jealousy about Winter was all for nothing… instead he goes while I remain stewing in it, wondering what is left for me now. Nothing it seems.

“I might as well not be here,” I mutter while clinging on to my belly. “I should go.”

That thought keeps circling around through me as I wander around the very beautiful LA apartment that I have tried to fit in to, but haven’t yet succeeded in. It hasn’t ever felt like mine, however much Seth wanted it to. None of this has been good for me. I haven’t blossomed into the person that I was always meant to become, I haven’t gotten my business off the ground, or grown because I am out of my mother’s watchful eye. I am still stuck.

“This isn’t right.” The ears start falling hard down my face as I tell myself the truth. “I am nothing here. Just the sad girlfriend waiting at home for her man to finish work with a beautiful woman who adores him.”

This isn’t the magical happily ever after, this isn’t the wonderful end to the story that I want, this isn’t anything. This is a life that I don’t want and that I don’t need to hold on to anymore.

Without even thinking about it any longer, I grab my cell phone and I start searching for flights. I really might as well not be here any longer, I need to go back home to rethink things, to get myself in the right frame of mind because LA is toxic for me and I can’t get anything done properly here. It doesn’t work for me.

We tried. This isn’t like six years ago where we shared one kiss and we were left wondering ‘what if?’ afterwards. We know now. We tried and it didn’t work out. Yes, it’s a massive shame and it is going to be hard for me, but I have some answers now. I won’t be constantly day dreaming about what could have been. I guess that even if you are the right people for one another, if the timing is wrong, that affects everything. It can’t happen, can it? The outside factors affect things and if they are wrong then they are wrong.

I am a bit numb as I book the ticket. I don’t even really allow myself to think about anything. I just act, knowing that it’s the right thing to do. I can’t be miserable when I have such life changing decisions in front of me. I can’t allow unhappiness to taint that. I don’t know if this is me leaving forever, I’m almost positive that it is, I would say ninety nine percent sure that I am done with him, but I am willing to give myself the time and space to think. To make the right decision for all of us. For me and my future, for Seth and his career, and for this unborn child as well. The baby deserves better than this.

It sucks. It really does suck because I wanted this so much, but even once I have hit the book button, a weight lifts off my shoulders. I am already a little bit lighter. Then as I move about the apartment, gathering up my few belongings to pack them in to my suitcase, I know that I need this. Home doesn’t have a lot for me either, aside from my disappointed family and my friends, but it has to be better than this. It has to be…

I should have written a note. That thought doesn’t hit me until I am standing in the airport waiting for my flight to come. I should have left a letter for Seth to let him know why I can’t do LA anymore. I was basically in a daze as I called a cab and I exited his house, but now I realize that was a mistake. Whatever Seth has done to me, we have been in one another’s lives too long for me to just ghost him like that. We had our amazing friendship, then a great love story where he treated me well, it isn’t his fault that it didn’t work out…

Well, aside from all of the Winter drama, but I am trying not to think about that because this isn’t the time or place for me to fall apart. Right now, I am simply doing what I can to hold it together. Not cry and wail on the floor because I don’t want to be looked at like a freak. Nor do I want someone photographing the poor sap who thought that she could have Seth Bishop over Winter Basel. That will be a wonderful laughable story for them.

I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and stare at the screen, wondering if putting in a call to him would work. Sure, I don’t really want to drop this bomb on him in the middle of one of the biggest days of his life, I also don’t want him to beg me to stay when my mind is already made up, but I can’t just go, can I?

No. I stuff my cell phone away, changing my mind just as quickly as I make it. If I have the emotional strength, I will call him when I get home instead. Then he may be done with his mother, or the woman that I’m sure must be pretending to be his mother to get his attention because this all seems far too strange, too Hollywood, for me, and he won’t be able to change my mind. I can explain it all calmly then. Hey, maybe I will even tell him about the pregnancy. I don’t know, that is a subject that I will need to handle carefully.

Thankfully, just as I am about to get in to full on panic mode, the gate for my flight comes up on the screen and gives me something else to do other than stand around panicking. I don’t need to get myself all worked up right now. Instead I need to get away from the place that has only brought me unhappiness. Every step that takes me towards my plane is nice, it’s relieving. It would be better if Seth was with me and we didn’t have all of this Wint

er drama to cope with, but I can’t have that. He is here now, sucked in by Hollywood, and I can’t be.

This is the end.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Seth

January 21st

“You sure this is the right place?” I ask Jasmine anxiously. “This is where you met her?”