I stood at the hospital window, looking out at the beautiful October landscape. The trees were ablaze in vibrant colors, and I knew it wouldn’t be long until winter weather had knocked all the leaves to the ground and covered them with white once again. Until then, I got to enjoy a view that was strewn in oranges, browns, and fiery yellows. It made me miss home and sitting in my living room, getting a full view of everything around me. Soon, though, it wouldn’t be long until I could take Lily home from the hospital. Labor had been hard, but quick, and I was just glad that Hailey had gotten me there before I had her.
Once inside the hospital, Hailey fielded all the questions about where the father was while I focused on breathing through the pain. I wasn’t going to lie. Some of that pain was the absence of Cameron, and how much I struggled through the nine months that Lily was growing inside of me. However, I wasn’t angry with Cameron. He had no idea what was going on, and I had been the one to walk away without any ability to contact each other. It was the stupidest and most reckless decision of my life, and now, not only was I going to pay the price for it, but so was our daughter, possibly never knowing the wonderful man that I knew. I had spent the last eight months scouring the country for Cameron, always seeming to be two steps behind him, and never in front. It was frustrating as hell, but not surprisingly, they moved faster than I could investigate.
A small coo in my arms brought me from my thoughts, and I looked down at the face of my beautiful little girl. She wriggled in my arms, and I looked down at her, in a
we that I created such a beautiful little human being. She was perfect in every way, from her dark curly hair to her eyes that at the moment matched mine. Up to that point, I had no idea that you could love something as much as I loved Lily, and I wanted so badly to share that with Cameron.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and laid Lily down, unwrapping her and then re-swaddling her blanket around her. She had the most perfect ten fingers and ten toes that I had ever seen. Her eyes glimmered in the lights, and her face puckered and released, waiting to be close to me once again. There was more of a rush of need to have Cameron in my life than there ever was before. I wanted to protect and provide for this little girl, and in fact, it was more than a want. It was a deep primal need that flooded me every time I looked at her innocent little face. She was given to me as a gift from the universe, and it was my responsibility to make the best choices I could on her behalf, and that included making sure that her father knew she existed. I knew how important that daddy-daughter bond really was, especially since I had a father of my own.
“Hey, hey,” Hailey whispered as she came through the door. “Where is that beautiful little girl of mine?”
She walked into the room, carrying bags of stuff, but she set them down on the bed and walked straight over to me and Lily, taking her from me and cradling her close. She was the only person in the world that I trusted with Lily, and I smiled as she baby-talked her. She was going to be a fantastic aunt to Lily.
“How are you feeling?”
“Sore, tired, and overwhelmed.” I laughed. “But completely and totally in love with that little girl.”
“Well, all of those emotions make perfect sense.” She smiled. “Look in the bags. I brought you a change of clothes and some goodies like lotion and face cream. There is also makeup in there. I know you have to be in here for at least one night, but I figured you could at least look good while you were doing it.”
“You are like a guardian angel,” I said, shuffling over to the bags and pulling out a pair of stretch pants with a high waist and a big comfy sweater with a large turtleneck.
I had been lucky during my pregnancy, and I only gained a minimal amount of weight. I hadn’t been obsessed with it or anything. It just seemed I was one of those lucky women who could do that. Still, the empty belly I was carrying around was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. In reality, I was uncomfortable in the hospital, and all I wanted was to take my daughter back to my home and relax. I wasn’t sure, though, if even that would clear the ache in my chest for Cameron. It ran deeper than anything I had ever felt before, and even with the hormones trickling away, my yearning for him did not leave.
“Thank you for all of this.” I smiled. “I can’t wait until we can go home.”
“Are you all right, otherwise?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed, wrapping my arms around my body and walking back to the windows. “Cameron was on my mind through all of this, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the opportunity to let him know. He should have been one of the people in the room with you, cheering me on, pushing me to get through this situation. I feel like I have failed Lily in the worst way.”
“Hey, you not having found Cameron before the birth was not your fault,” she said sternly. “You may have left without a phone number, but I don’t see him knocking your door down, either.”
“But why would he?” I asked, staring out at the trees. “I told him it wasn’t going to work out, and that it was better for us to stay out of contact. He had no idea that I was going to turn up, having given birth to his child.”
“I know, and you need to stop beating yourself up over it, Bea,” she said with caring in her eyes. “It isn’t too late, just because Lily is born. Now, you can relax and look for him, not feeling like you are on the clock.”
“I don’t know where else to look,” I said. “It’s like, for every two steps I take forward, he takes five. It has been incredibly hard without him.”
“I know,” she said, loosening her stern attitude. “I know it has. I have watched from afar, totally unsure of what to do to help you. I wished every day that you would wake up to a knock on the door or a phone call, or anything really. I could feel your pain and frustration a mile away. But you did good—amazing—and I am so very proud of you for what you have created.”
“Thank you.” I smiled, looking over at Lily in her arms. “I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. The feeling is absolutely amazing in so many ways. I just really feel like without Cameron, something is missing.”
“Well, then you will just have to go to Aspen and see him on New Year’s Eve,” she said with a smile.
I nodded and sat down in the chair, relieving the pain from labor. I knew that I should be resting, but my anxiety level was through the roof. I knew that Cameron was going to be in Aspen teaching, but what I didn’t know was whether he would be there waiting for me. I could show up, and he could have a completely new date for New Year’s Eve. He could have completely forgotten about us and our promises to each other for this special day. But that couldn’t matter. I needed to go under the assumption that there wasn’t anything between us anymore. My mission could no longer be for love, but for Lily, instead.
When I arrived in Aspen, I needed to keep my head held high and my feelings to the side. I needed to approach Cameron with love and caring, but my first conversation shouldn’t be about him and me. It should be about what has happened over the last year. I wanted him to know how hard I searched for him before Lily was born. I wanted him to know she had his hair and his adorable little nose. I wanted him to know that she needed him in his life. Then, and only then, would I allow myself to tell him how I felt for him. I had to come secondary now. That was one of my roles as Lily’s mother, always putting her first above my own needs.
“All right, momma,” Hailey said, walking back over to me. “It’s feeding time. And then you can put her down for a nap and use the goodies I got you. I have to head back into work for a while, but I’ll be available on my cell.”
“Thank you,” I said, taking Lily into my arms. “For everything. Really.”
“It’s no problem,” Hailey said, smiling. “I am more than thrilled to be this little girl’s auntie, and I am proud to be your best friend.”
We hugged, and she left, pulling the hospital door closed behind her. I grabbed the fleece throw she had brought over earlier and wrapped it around my shoulders, walking over to the chair by the window and wrapping myself up in it. Lily looked up at me as I prepared to feed her, and we settled in for her lunchtime.
“You know, little girl,” I said, talking to my daughter. “When I first saw your daddy, I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever met. Actually, I thought there was no way a man like that would be as sweet and caring as he turned out to be. Your daddy is a skier, a professional one of sorts. One day, I’ll take you out on the mountain and teach you to ski. We spent the most wonderful Christmas and New Year’s I had ever had to that point, right next to each other. Everything was more than perfect, and that was when you were created. When I left your daddy at the resort, I didn’t know that I was taking such an important part of him with me. He is strong and loving, and I know without a doubt that he will love you a much as I do.”
I leaned back in the chair and sighed, relaxing a bit so that Lily could get the milk that she needed. I knew that she wouldn’t remember me sitting here and talking about him, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like he was there, just on the other side of the door, waiting to be with us. I needed to feel him close right now because no matter how many times Hailey came around or how close I held Lily to my chest, it just felt like we were missing something very important in our lives.