Rock My World

“I need to get back in the bedroom.” I grab my pajamas and quickly pull them on. “Or Jace will wonder what’s happening. He’s already confused by my attitude tonight.”

I run a brush through my hair and grab my toothbrush. As I scrub my teeth, I narrow my eyes at myself. I need to get my head back in the game, I know that I’ve been off on another planet all night long, but it’s hard for me to focus when my life is shattering all around me. It’s a real freaking mess, or it’s going to be for sure.

I nod at myself, giving up on trying to look normal, and I make my way back to bed. What might be actually best is for me to just be honest about how I’m feeling. Talk to him, communicate….

“Oh.” I stare at his sleeping form, watching him take deep in and out breaths. “Fair enough.”

Maybe it’s for the best, I don’t want to make things bad between us. Honesty isn’t necessary when we aren’t going to be together forever. Yes, we told each other that we’re in love, but that’s just a part of the fantasy, just like when we talk about our cottage by the ocean and our children. It’s just talk.

I climb into the bed next to Jace and snuggle into him, willing myself to get to sleep so I can have the same amount of peace as he’s getting right now. But my mind is spinning. My head is all over the place. My thoughts are jumbled and uncomfortable. My brain just won’t wind down. It keeps thinking about Jace, about The Puppeteers, about Luci, and how things are going to be when he leaves. I already don’t really have my family; I can’t lose my friends as well. Oh god, this is so hard. I can hardly stand it.

I sigh and pop my eyes open, giving up on sleep. Eventually I even sneak out of the bed because I can hardly stand this. I need the necklace. I need it. When I put it away in a small box in the back of my wardrobe, I decided that I wouldn’t ever look at it again. I couldn’t quite bring myself to chuck it out, but this was the next step. But now I’m going to have to face it again while I work out how I’m going to deal with this.

I find the box. It feels heavier in my fingers than I remember, and I pull it to my chest. I tear the lid off the box quickly, like I’m tearing off a band aid, and I gasp while I look at the chain. Immediately, I’m emotional again. I’m back to being the girl who locked it away. I’m the person who lost Jace even before he got famous.

Now I’m going to lose him again, only this time it’s for good.

“I knew that,” I remind myself. “I knew that. I knew he was going to leave me.”

But it doesn’t change the twisting in my gut, the aching in my heart. I’m still in pain.

I pad around the apartment, tiredness rocketing through me. I can’t sleep though; I haven’t been able to sleep all night long. I curled up on the couch at about three AM and I slept fitfully for about an hour, but it wasn’t enough. It hasn’t shut my crazy thoughts down, and now I’m even more of a mess. Everything that seemed bad last night, now feels about a million times worse. I’m jittery, shaky, a full on state.

“Ah, there you are.” Jace’s voice makes me jump. Almost as if I’d forgotten that he was here. “I wondered where you had gone. It was cold in the bed this morning.”

“Oh yeah, sorry.” I wave my hand dismissively. “I couldn’t sleep.”

His eyes fix on my neck and I see familiarity flood him. I heat up completely. I can’t believe I forgot that I had it on. I would have ripped it off if I’d thought about it. Now it’s going to get weird.

“Oh, I can’t believe that you still have that.” His face explodes into a smile. “That’s amazing.”

“I erm… I actually found it while I was awake. I just… put it on.”

He steps closer to me and runs his fingers along it, his smile so bright, so serene. It breaks my heart. A jealousy bolts through me, disappointment crushes down on my chest, sadness aches.

“Are you crying?” Jace asks in shock. “Oh god, Addie, I’m sorry, what’s going on?”

“I… I don’t know,” I stutter. Everything culminates into one massive shit show. “I don’t know anymore.”

He wraps his arms around me and rests my head against his chest, but even the sound of his heart beating doesn’t make me feel any better. I just cry even harder, getting his shirt all wet.

“Addie, I’m sorry. I slept all night while you were upset. I hate that.”

“It’s okay, it wasn’t… it wasn’t your fault. I just needed to get my head together.”

I pull back and try to stare up at him, but it’s painful to even see him. I tug my whole body away and walk across to the other side of the room. I’m cold, alone, just like I’m going to be.

“I just keep thinking about when you go back to LA,” I admit, trying to get some honesty out. “It’s going to be hard, isn’t it? Long distance won’t work when you’re on the road all the time. It’ll be too much. I’ll be here, living my boring life, while you’re all over the place. You’ll forget about me. You will grow distant like you did in college, only this time it’ll be worse because there will be a world between us.”

I don’t actually know if I’m making any sense, the words are just falling out of my mouth, the night of stress just coming out in any way it wants. I hope Jace gets some of it though. I just need him to understand.

“Addie.” He grabs my shoulders and stares at me. My eyes want to pull away but I can’t. His gaze is so intense it has me locked in, listening to what he has to say. “I’m staying here, with you.”

“Huh?” That wasn’t what I was expecting him to say. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not going back to be in the band. I came back here to make a decision about what I want to do with my future, and I want to stay here. I wasn’t happy, I haven’t been happy for a while.”

“Unhappy?” His words don’t make any sense. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired. “Why?”