But I can’t, because the other steps will still be there. I’ll still need to do a lot more. Even if I focus on the steps one at a time, the bigger picture will still need to be completed and that is overwhelming.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
My cell phone has been ringing a lot, but this time I actually want to answer it. Luckily, it’s within reaching distance, still plugged into the charger, so I don’t have to move far. I hope it’s a good sign that I want to speak to someone. I really want to start that first step somehow; I just don’t know how.
“Hello?” I croak into the receiver.
“Addison, oh thank goodness. I have been so worried.”
“Luci.” It’s good to hear her voice. I’m so glad that we’re friends again and that she came at the exact right moment. Just as Jace left me for what I didn’t realize at the time was the very last time. I was gutted just to watch him leave then, but now I’m utterly devastated. She hasn’t even said ‘I told you so’.
“I know there’s no point in asking you to come out, I imagine you’re still on the couch, but I’m coming to yours tonight once I finish work, okay? I need to see you.”
I open my mouth, about to protest, but then I realize that it’s pointless. Luci won’t care that my place is a mess, that I’m a mess. She’s been such a good friend to me, and right now I do need her.
“Okay sure. You’re coming over tonight, fine.”
“I’ll bring food. I’m sure you haven’t eaten. And some wine. Although you might not be up for drinking…”
I don’t want any of that but I don’t bother to argue, I know that Luci will get what she wants. It’s a miracle that she’s given me as much space as she has. She must have sensed how much I needed it.
“I will be there at six PM, okay, so be ready for it. I don’t want to be locked out.”
I hang up the phone and reach for the remote control. Maybe the television would make me feel better. It will certainly beat the sound of the ticking clock, but the first picture that flickers to life on my screen is one of The Puppeteers as if the whole world is conspiring against me. As it turns out, one of the boys from the band has been seen out and about with some pop star and now the whole world wants to know all the details.
It isn’t Jace, but it might as well be. His picture is being used along with the rest of the band to advertise the story. I think I’m numb, just an empty husk incapable of any emotion, but then a howl rips free from my chest and a fresh wave of tears bursts out of my eyes.
I’m an emotional wreck all over again, and that might be how I am for the rest of my damn life. Heart-broken, sad, destroyed over the man who it turns out, I can’t ever have. No matter what.
T his will be good for me; I think as I look around the all too familiar environment. This is where I need to be.
Luci has been trying to get me here for over two weeks now, ever since I first let her into my home, and now I’m finally ready to listen to her. The only way I’m going to get over what happened with Jace is by doing what I did last time and throwing myself into my work. The place where I’m best.
I smile around the office and try to inhale, to breathe in what I know more than anything in the world, but all I can really feel is the massive distance between me and this place. The few weeks that I’ve been away weigh heavily on me, I’m far more out of the loop than I’m comfortable with.
“Ah, Addison.” Luke’s voice rings out behind me. “You’re back. Are you feeling better?”
I nod even though that isn’t really the truth. “Yeah, all good now.”
“That’s great, it hasn’t been the same without you. We have all missed you a lot.”
There’s a real sincerity to his words which makes me feel a little better. “I hope I can get back into it.”
“Oh, you’ll be back in the swing of things in a heartbeat. A kick ass editor like you.”
“Have you been working in my place?” He nods. “Thank you so much, I appreciate that.”
“Well, Sandra has turned out to be such a good writer, thanks to you giving her a chance. So, it’s been brilliant, it’s really given me the chance to step up into your shoes… while you’ve been away.”
Maybe I should be worried that he’s trying to take my job. Before all of this happened, that sentence alone would have made me feel like I had a target on my back. But now I don’t feel anything. I just want to try and get back to work, get back to normal. I don’t want to worry about more issues that may or may not be there.
If all of this has taught me anything it’s that I get carried away, my imagination easily gets the better of me. I get paranoid and I swallow myself up in bitter, nasty emotions. It’s best to just keep moving forwards.
“Right, so I’m going to get to my desk and try and catch up before everyone else gets in.”
“Of course. Well, I’m here, so if there’s anything you need to ask then so be it.”
“Thanks, Luke. I appreciate it a lot.”