Sickness swirls in my gut. Now I feel even worse about my lie. That was really uncalled for.
“Nor do you know that Gary is engaged. You probably didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend.”
“I…” I can’t argue that. I didn’t know any of it.
“So yeah, we all keep up with one another’s lives because we care. And there have been times that you’ve cared as well, but I guess that time is up now. You want to be with the band? Good, then really put yourself into it because we’re counting on you. You don’t? Fine, go. We can sort out a replacement then. Obviously, we’d much prefer to have you, but we need the full Jace Fairs, and it seems like you can’t give us that at the moment. If you’re going to come back, good. Let us know, b
ut if not then stop ruining us.”
I’m gob smacked. Utterly blown away by his words. I know that he’s right, I am being more of a fuck up by wrecking things for them than I would if I just left, but for some reason I keep over complicating it. Just like everything else. Addie and I always do that too, which is why we’re always in this mess.
Talk to people… why can’t I just talk to people? It would make life so much easier.
“I’m sorry, I… I need to go. I need to think.”
“Yeah, you do.” Andrew nods firmly. “And we want you to come back to us with an answer one way or another. No more stringing us along because it isn’t fair, Jace, and you know it.”
The anger that I’ve been clinging to for days now, maybe even weeks, evaporates and leaves me in a state of perpetual numbness. All I can do is escape these four walls before I blow my top. I’m going to have to do some real thinking and come up with a genuine solution. I cannot carry on as I have been. It isn’t right.
“I will have an answer for you,” I practically whisper. “As soon as I can.”
“We love you, Jace. We just want you to be…”
Andrew’s words trail down the hallway after me, but as the door slides closed, they vanish in to thin air. I can’t hear anything nice coming out of his mouth right now, not when I’ve been a shit. The numbness is better than the onslaught of emotions that could come for me at any given moment. I need to keep them locked up.
“Drink,” I gasp to myself. “I need a drink. Calm down then come up with an answer.”
And this time, my answer needs to be final. No more fucking around, no more darting back and forth, making choices based on other people or negative emotions. I can’t live my life like that any longer.
It’s time to finally grow up.
It doesn’t take me long to find a bar, our recording studio is situated in the middle of a whole street of them, so I head inside and quickly order the strongest whiskey they have on the shelves. My body is still reacting wildly, my heart racing like crazy, butterflies flip flopping all the way through my system, setting my veins on fire. Andrew’s words run round and round in my head, making me feel utterly horrible.
The cool liquid slides down my throat, going some way to warming me up, but it doesn’t calm my thoughts. This will be the biggest decision that I’ve ever made in my life and I really don’t want to mess it up. Deciding whether or not to leave the band that I’ve spent my whole adult life in, venturing off in to territories unknown, it’s terrifying. I don’t even know where I’d go or what I’d do. Is it easier to stick with what I know?
“Hello,” a friendly voice purrs beside me. “Mind if I sit here?”
I shrug, not even making eye contact with the person speaking to me. I feel her sit beside me and I silently pray that she isn’t going to be chatty. I’m struggling enough to make up my mind without her making it worse.
“What are you drinking there?” She sidles closer to me, making my worst nightmare come true. “Looks nice.”
I point to the bottle and try to turn away ever so slightly, just to give her a silent message, but it’s missed.
“You look like someone I know. Have I met you before? Or are you famous… oh wait! You’re that guy.”
I roll my eyes and try to ignore her. There’s nothing worse than someone making it obvious that they’re just interested in you for who you are. I know that it’s true for most people anyway, but being blatant is a turn off.
“Yes, you’re the guy from the band. The hot one. The one who likes fooling around with his fans.”
“I would just like to have a drink in peace, please,” I reply gruffly. “I need some space.”
“What’s it like being in a band?” She completely ignores me. “Is it really fun?”
“Please, I just want some time by myself…”
“I have always wanted to be famous, you know. I don’t know what for because I can’t sing or dance or anything. I might be good at acting, I’m not sure. I have a YouTube account, of course, who doesn’t? But that’s a hard market to crack, you know? Although if I could get someone like you on it!”
I watch her out the side of my eyes, texting furiously. She’s probably telling all of her friends that I’m here so they can mob me, which definitely isn’t what I want. I need to finish this drink and get out of here quickly.