“Really? How old are you?”
“I’m only twenty four. Plenty of time to find ‘the one’?”
“Why did you use air quotes then? Don’t you believe in the one?”
I sigh loudly. “I don’t know. I don’t think I do anymore.”
“Ah.” He leans on the desk. “So you did once but you got your heart broken?”
I glance behind him. “There’s actually a big queue, sir, so I need to move on.”
“You shouldn’t shy away from love just because you’ve been hurt. We all go through it. I didn’t think I would ever let anyone in again after my fist love, Tracey, broke up with me. I vowed to only fuck and chuck.” I blanche at his vulgar wording. “But then my sweet little Viv came along and changed everything. Now, I’m head over heels and about to get hitched to the most incredible woman alive.”
“Well… that’s a real nice story, but I need to move on.”
“Tell me about your heart break. Maybe I can help you to get over it.”
“I don’t think that’s very professional. I am at work after all.”
“Oh, these people don’t mind. We all want to help you.”
My irritation grows by the second. I don’t like sharing personal details with the people I’m close to, it takes me very long time to feel comfortable. No way I’m going to start spilling my guts to people I don’t know. I’m not one for having the spot light on me at the best of times, never mind for this topic.
“No, I really don’t think I should. My boss won’t be pleased…”
“Wow, you are uptight, aren’t you?” He rolls his eyes. “Can I just have my money then?”
This is one of the things I really don’t like about my job. Most of the time it’s dull, then when it’s interesting it isn’t ever interesting in a good way. It’s something like this… but I suppose this isn’t too bad when I consider it could be a shooting. We have to be trained for an armed robbery on day one which isn’t a good start.
When I did my art course in college, I thought I was going to spend my entire life as a creative. I was young and naïve enough to believe that having a talent would get me far. Now, I know that’s truly naïve. The world doesn’t care what you can do, it just wants you to be another cog in the machine.
I’m not an artist, traveling around Paris and other amazing cities, I’m working in a job that requires a solid knowledge of numbers in which I could be shot at any moment. Perfect.
“I hate guys like that,” the next woman who comes to my desk commands. “So arrogant. Like you should have to tell him your life story just because he asked? I don’t think so somehow.”
I laugh gratefully. “Yeah, I know. I can’t spill my guts while at work anyway…”
The rest of the day rolls on in it’s normal boring way, but that guy has gotten under my skin. Or maybe it isn’t just him, perhaps it’s this whole marathon thing as well. During the process of purging the past a lot of it is coming up again, reminding me of what life used to be like.
I met Wesley while in college and was immediately attracted to him. He was smooth then and very cool, which for an awkward girl like me was impossible to resist. His confidence drew me in and wouldn’t let me go. I was in awe of him, completely enraptured by him, which only intensified when he started showing affection back.
He was charming. Too charming. Looking back with hindsight I can see it was all to trap me. He was overly romantic, buying me expensive gifts, taking me out on posh dates, always showing me off, making the rest of the world see him as the most perfect boyfriend in the whole world. I thought he was too.
Then, the odd little confidence knocking comment would come, but disguised as help so I couldn’t see it for what it truly was. I was so much in love with him then that I would have forgiven whatever anyway.
“I don’t really like that dress on you… it makes you look a bit round. I just don’t want you to look silly.”
“You don’t need that red lipstick, it makes you look clown like. I just don’t want people to laugh.”
“You shouldn’t be friends with that girl, she bitches about you behind your back. I just don’t want people being nasty to the woman that I love. I’m only trying to help.”
I just don’t want… those famous words that I heard all the time, slowly convincing me that he was the only person in the world who had my best interests at heart. The only person he couldn’t ever tear me away from was Kayleigh, which I know annoyed him, but she was the only person I managed to cling onto.
Then the comments got worse, and more regular. He helped me to lose confidence in my art which was only highlighted by the fact that no one wanted to buy my work, it was a nightmare. But I put up with it all. Even the time he shoved me and I hit my head on the dining room table. I took everything, even his lack of interest in my heart ache when my mother was dying. I might have even taken the cheating if it hadn’t been during such a hard time. In a sick way, it all turned out okay in the end.
I’m over him, I haven’t wanted him back from the moment he left my life, I know that I’m a million times better off without him, but still I remain frozen.
Or at least I did until Noah.