“What, even if you fall in love?”
“Love isn’t going to happen, Mom.”
“I don’t want you to end up lonely.”
“You’re lonely, Mom!” I don’t even mean to say that it just explodes. “Since Dad died, you haven’t found anyone, so I don’t know why you are lecturing me to fall in love.” Mom falls into a chair and sadness crosses her face. I feel terrible now, I shouldn’t have said that. “Sorry, Mom, I don’t know why I said that…”
“No, it’s okay. I understand. I know what you’re saying… but your father is the love of my life, he will always be my world. I don’t think you had that with Hayley and it’s sad to go through life without it.”
“I know.” I hang my head shamefully. “I’m sorry, I’m just angry at myself because I wrecked things and I’m taking it out on you. I don’t mean to be a massive dick.”
“No, I get it.” She gives me a serious look. “But just because your father has been the love of my life, it doesn’t mean I’m alone now.”
“You have someone? How is that possible? I’ve never seen him.”
“Look, Noah, I’ve had my serious love. The man I have now is a companion. That’s why you haven’t met him. Plus, I know how much you idolize your dad. I haven’t ever wanted to upset you.”
“I don’t understand, Mom. How have you kept this from me?”
“I haven’t purposefully kept it from you, it’s just one of those things. You’ve had a lot of drama going on in your life, you haven’t needed to worry about my issues too.”
I breathe a couple of times, trying to calm my insides down. “Are you happy?”
“I am.” She nods determinedly. “I am happy. He won’t ever be your dad, but he’s nice.”
“Well… that’s really good…”
“So, that’s why I want you to be happy too. What happened with your date?”
“I just screwed it up, Mom. I wasn’t honest about everything and it upset her.”
What did you lie about?”
“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell her the truth.”
Mom pales. “You shouldn’t keep things hidden if you really like someone.”
“I know, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I like her until now. And now it’s too late.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’m very sure.”
Mom gives me a look of pure sympathy, and for a brief moment I wonder if I should just tell her everything. It would be nice to have an ear to listen and some good advice, but since it won’t change anything I decide against it. I need to leave this house before I end up falling apart.
“Come on, Alex,” I call out to my son. “Let’s go to the park now. I need to go outside.”
“You don’t have to leave…”
“We’ll come back. I just need some space, that’s all.”
“Okay, well just know that I’m always here for you.”
“I do, Mom. Thank you.”
I need to digest this, to really think about it, and for that I need fresh air. This is all so much. Mom has a man in her life, she understands me more than I ever gave her credit for, but still I can’t open up. Not yet anyway.
* * *