Lara groaned. “Ugh! You are impossible sometimes. Staying home and avoiding everyone is not the answer. It’s going to turn you into an old maid.”
“I know,” I replied. Lara was making some valid points, but I just didn’t want to be bothered. The thought of going somewhere where everyone else was having a good time filled me with dread. I just didn’t see how anything good could come of it for me.
“It’s just a waste of a beautiful dress if you don’t come,” Lara said. “Besides, you never know who you might meet here.”
I groaned. “Meeting someone right now is the last thing I want to do.”
“But it’s the best way to get over a breakup. It doesn’t feel like it, I know, but trust me. I’m basically a psychologist.”
I laughed. “Having watched every episode of Dr. Phil ever, does not make you a psychologist.”
“I disagree,” Lara said with false smugness. “Look, everyone really wants you to stop being Miss Debbie Downer and come with.”
“Ha ha,” I said at her pun. “Well, I’m going to get off here. You guys have fun.”
Lara said goodbye and hung up. I hated to hear that sadness in her voice. I knew how badly she wanted me to come, but for the life of me I just didn’t feel like moving from my bed. I wanted to shut myself off from everyone and just relax tonight.
But the dance did sound like fun. I just wished I could let go of everything enough to enjoy it. But the fog my brain was wrapped up in was just not going to let that happen.
I turned on my Television to prepare for my Netflix binge and then went downstairs to get some ice cream. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table putting
together a jigsaw puzzle. Ever since I was a kid my mother had always loved those things. I’d see her sitting at the table by the hour putting them together. I didn’t get it. To me it was as much fun as watching paint dry. But she had her hobby, I guess.
I was the only one of my friends still living at home, but I did not have any shame about it whatsoever. I loved my parents and I loved the house I’d grown up in. I was a single woman with a good job, no debt, and I had modest expenses. I didn’t see the point of spending a bunch of money every month so I could sit in an apartment by myself. This was a good time for me to work and save, which was exactly what I’d been doing since I graduated college the previous year with my accounting degree.
“Debbie,” my mother said as I was reaching for the ice cream in the freezer.
“Yeah?” I replied.
“Sit down, sweetie.”
I sat down at the opposite end of the table. I could feel one of my mother’s special talks coming on. They were usually enjoyable and I always walked away with some wisdom, but today of all days I just wasn’t in the mood.
Of course that was usually when I needed to talk to my mom most.
“Why aren’t you going to the dance tonight?”
I sighed. “Why is everyone so concerned with me not going? I just want to stay home. I don’t get the big deal.”
“Debbie, if you continue to punish yourself over something that isn’t your fault then it is considered self-destructive.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m fine. I’ll be ok. But I need time.”
“They say that time heals all wounds and they are right,” my mother said looking up from her puzzle. “But what really heals inner wounds is experience. People confuse that with time. But no, it’s the experiences that replace the void that you are feeling.”
“I guess that makes sense,” I said. “But tonight I don’t feel like experiencing anything.”
“It’s funny, but people do all they can to avoid discomfort, yet moving through the discomfort is the only way to get better. The longer you avoid it the more pain you actually end up feeling.”
I nodded my head. My mother was making some good points. If I kept myself locked up as some sort of a shut in then I was just going to sit there and think about Daniel and feel sorry for myself. That wasn’t helping anything. Hell, in fact it was allowing Daniel to hurt me even more. I knew he hadn’t done what he did to intentionally hurt me. He was just doing what felt right to him and damn the consequences to anyone else. He was a selfish jerk. And he was extremely indecisive apparently. That was a character flaw I wished I’d seen in him much earlier. I’ve always been very decisive and strong willed. I don’t understand the other approach.
“I understand,” I said. “It’s just so hard to move when you feel paralyzed. At times I feel like I can hardly catch my breath.”
Tears welled up in my eyes just then and I felt pain in my chest as if my heart were actually being ripped apart. God, I was in so much pain. When would it stop?
“Stop that,” my mother said. “There is no reason for it. Crying and wallowing in your misery is the biggest waste of time. Right now you need to be happy.”
I looked up at my mother as if she were crazy.